All I wanted was to have a baby. Pretty simple right. People have them every day, often by mistake, and it all works out. We'd been married 3 years, together for 6, and planning for babies pretty much the whole time. We had a house, two cars. I had a good job, Clay was finishing his associates and was going to find a good job. I had good health insurance, a flexible spending account. We had savings. We were happy. It was time.
We didn't get the baby.
Now we have debt. We have more sorrow then anyone should have. I have a hard time going to work, but we need the money to pay the debt. I was moved into a different position at work, that I don't like, but I don't want the old one back really either. I want to quit more then I ever could have imagined was possible, but I'm stuck. I can't even pretend that I would quit. There is no way I could find another job that pays close to what the current one can and has benefits like I have now. With out my job we don't keep the house and one of the cars. We don't keep the health insurance that is keeping me in enough pills and counseling to get out of bed every day. We still have a little bit of savings that we need to keep in case I do go off the deep end.
I feel ungrateful. We are doing okay. We haven't lost the house, the cars, my job, our insurance. But it's hard, really hard.
All I wanted was a baby.. all I still want is a baby
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Gloomy
I'm having a hard time shaking this gloomy mood I'm in. I just feel like curling up on the couch and watching movies with the pup for days on end, or maybe just laying in the sun snoozing. I have no energy or motivation. In a way it kind of feels right. It has been nearly 8 months since we lost Kyler and all of a sudden I feel the loss more in the last few days then I have in the last few months. I don't know why.
We are quickly approaching a year from when I got put on bedrest. July 15th it will be a year. That is going to be a hard few days for me. Last July 15-17th were the worst days that I had had in my life up until that point. It was the first time I realized that we might not actually have Kyler.
I think I am just a bit burnt out on pretending that everything is peachy. It is better but definatley not peachy. 8 months is a very long time in the real world, but in the world of loss and trama it is very short. Trama, yes I said it.. I am experiencing PTSD A lot of those people who haven't lived in our shoes think that we should be "better" by now. That's not the way it works. We miss him every day, and would love to just curl up and cry about it but we have to keep on living in the real world and be functioning adults. Sometimes people don't want to talk about Kyler, it makes them uncomfortable and they are afraid they are "reminding us". For those of you who have children, has anyone ever had to remind you that you had them? I'd venture to say no. It is the same with Kyler, we never forget about him so you can't "remind" us about him. He is always with us. Don't be afraid to talk about him.
I ended up having 5 days in a row off since I cut out of work after 20 minutes on Monday. I have to go back tomorrow. I hope it is at least a little bit better. I have to work five 10 hour shifts a a row now. I hope I can make it through them all. I don't want to flake out on them (or burn more of my PTO) but I also need to take care of myself. I've been thinking a data entry, number crunching, paper pushing, behind the scenes type job would be better for me right now, but that is not much of an option for me. I need to try and ride it out where I am at. The money I make now will help pay off all those doctor's bills, and the insurance will keep us from getting too many more, hopefully. With all the counseling and everything I have been going to I already hit the deductible for our health insurance for the year, who knows what the rest of the year will bring. It is very unlikely that I could get another job that pays as well and gives benefits like mine does.
The last 3 days off have been good for me though. I spent Monday curled up both on the couch and outside in the sun with my dog. Yesterday I got up and motivated and went to the gym, did yard work, did housework and just felt accomplished. Today I got the dog to the groomers, went to the store, washed my car, laid in the sun and worked on my cross stich. I was sad and gloomy most of the time but not to the point of crying. Tonight we went out bowling with a couple of our friends. That was a lot of fun. I would almost say it was more fun then anything we did at Lagoon. I can't believe an innocent little trip to Lagoon set me back this far again, but maybe that means I wasn't as ready as I thought I was and that I still need to take things slowly.
One of my friends who has been awesome had a baby just a few months before I did. She has done well getting a baby sitter for her baby whenever we hang out, but I am beginning to think that maybe is time I meet her. I want to but I also don't want to have it heartbreak me like going to lagoon did. I think I will wait on it for a little longer
We are quickly approaching a year from when I got put on bedrest. July 15th it will be a year. That is going to be a hard few days for me. Last July 15-17th were the worst days that I had had in my life up until that point. It was the first time I realized that we might not actually have Kyler.
I think I am just a bit burnt out on pretending that everything is peachy. It is better but definatley not peachy. 8 months is a very long time in the real world, but in the world of loss and trama it is very short. Trama, yes I said it.. I am experiencing PTSD A lot of those people who haven't lived in our shoes think that we should be "better" by now. That's not the way it works. We miss him every day, and would love to just curl up and cry about it but we have to keep on living in the real world and be functioning adults. Sometimes people don't want to talk about Kyler, it makes them uncomfortable and they are afraid they are "reminding us". For those of you who have children, has anyone ever had to remind you that you had them? I'd venture to say no. It is the same with Kyler, we never forget about him so you can't "remind" us about him. He is always with us. Don't be afraid to talk about him.
I ended up having 5 days in a row off since I cut out of work after 20 minutes on Monday. I have to go back tomorrow. I hope it is at least a little bit better. I have to work five 10 hour shifts a a row now. I hope I can make it through them all. I don't want to flake out on them (or burn more of my PTO) but I also need to take care of myself. I've been thinking a data entry, number crunching, paper pushing, behind the scenes type job would be better for me right now, but that is not much of an option for me. I need to try and ride it out where I am at. The money I make now will help pay off all those doctor's bills, and the insurance will keep us from getting too many more, hopefully. With all the counseling and everything I have been going to I already hit the deductible for our health insurance for the year, who knows what the rest of the year will bring. It is very unlikely that I could get another job that pays as well and gives benefits like mine does.
The last 3 days off have been good for me though. I spent Monday curled up both on the couch and outside in the sun with my dog. Yesterday I got up and motivated and went to the gym, did yard work, did housework and just felt accomplished. Today I got the dog to the groomers, went to the store, washed my car, laid in the sun and worked on my cross stich. I was sad and gloomy most of the time but not to the point of crying. Tonight we went out bowling with a couple of our friends. That was a lot of fun. I would almost say it was more fun then anything we did at Lagoon. I can't believe an innocent little trip to Lagoon set me back this far again, but maybe that means I wasn't as ready as I thought I was and that I still need to take things slowly.
One of my friends who has been awesome had a baby just a few months before I did. She has done well getting a baby sitter for her baby whenever we hang out, but I am beginning to think that maybe is time I meet her. I want to but I also don't want to have it heartbreak me like going to lagoon did. I think I will wait on it for a little longer
Monday, June 25, 2012
Quick Note
Just a couple things I wanted to share. First, I have an awesome little family. My husband and pup stayed up late last night trying to console me. After Clay got home they crashed on the couch together. I am so appreciative of them, especially Clay staying up late when he knew he had to go to work early.
Second, I am not sure if I've shared my project bear before. He's this little guy that the nurse brought in and slipped under my arm while I was in labor. He didn't leave my side the first two weeks I was home, you can see the wear on him already. Now he sits on my night stand, except last night and today when he again followed me around. More info on project bears can be found at http://www.projectbear.us/ It's an awesome project.
Everything isn't great
We're doing a lot better, but it isn't always great. We went to lagoon this weekend. It was fun, but it was way harder then I expected. I just had a really hard time getting into it. I didn't feel great so I didn't really want to ride many rides. Of course it was full of kids and those stupid pregnant women. Usually kids don't bother me that much, but this weekend they did. I kept wondering what it would have been like to take Kyler to the amusement park, especially as he got older. And then there is those pregnant women!! What the hell were they all doing in an amusement park anyway! I guess I really just wasn't ready to do something like lagoon, especially on a weekend. We did have some fun and got some good pictures.
After we got home last night all the feelings I was trying to keep under control all weekend came out, I just wanted Kyler here to hold. Of course I always want him here but last night it was extra rough. I wanted to hold him, touch him, play with his little feet. I had a pretty had time going to bed and couldn't fall asleep until I had gathered up Kyler's blanket, our project bear, and Ranon into bed with Clay and I. I got up this morning and tried to go to work. I made it into work and got logged into my pc and then lost it. It's been 3 months since I've had a really hard day at work, but today I just couldn't do it. I clocked in at 8:00 and back out at 8:20. I stopped and saw Kyler on the way home. There was a squirrel in the tree above his grave watching me, and the baby ducks and the swans came over to say hi.
It was beautiful there as always. That helped a little. I came home, laid on the couch with Ranon for an hour, and then I went outside and slept in the sun for two hours. I feel bad, I know they needed me at work today, but I really needed to not be there.
Father's Day was rough for me, I'm sure it was harder for Clay though. I worked a very hard 10 hour day on Saturday that made me pretty grumpy by the time I got home. Then I only got to spend a couple hours with Clay before I had to go to bed just to get up early and do it all again. I felt really bad leaving Clay alone on Fathers Day, especially for over 10 hours. I wish we could have made a special day of it like we did for mothers day. I did get to give him his Fathers Day present. Here it is.
I had a picture of Clay and Kyler printed and put in it. I also felt bad that only a couple people acknowledged Clay on Father's Day. He is a Father! A couple cards, a call, or even a message would have been nice for him. We also visited the cemetery on Fathers Day after I got home. It was actually kind of fun because the sprinklers were on and we kept having to duck behind trees together so we wouldn't get wet.
It's not all bad, we have had some good times lately. We had last Wednesday off together and were able to go to the zoo. The butterfly exhibit was beautiful. I got to feed the giraffes, which I've wanted to do for a long time. We walked through the rose garden and then went on a walk in the foot hills.
After we got home last night all the feelings I was trying to keep under control all weekend came out, I just wanted Kyler here to hold. Of course I always want him here but last night it was extra rough. I wanted to hold him, touch him, play with his little feet. I had a pretty had time going to bed and couldn't fall asleep until I had gathered up Kyler's blanket, our project bear, and Ranon into bed with Clay and I. I got up this morning and tried to go to work. I made it into work and got logged into my pc and then lost it. It's been 3 months since I've had a really hard day at work, but today I just couldn't do it. I clocked in at 8:00 and back out at 8:20. I stopped and saw Kyler on the way home. There was a squirrel in the tree above his grave watching me, and the baby ducks and the swans came over to say hi.
It was beautiful there as always. That helped a little. I came home, laid on the couch with Ranon for an hour, and then I went outside and slept in the sun for two hours. I feel bad, I know they needed me at work today, but I really needed to not be there.
Father's Day was rough for me, I'm sure it was harder for Clay though. I worked a very hard 10 hour day on Saturday that made me pretty grumpy by the time I got home. Then I only got to spend a couple hours with Clay before I had to go to bed just to get up early and do it all again. I felt really bad leaving Clay alone on Fathers Day, especially for over 10 hours. I wish we could have made a special day of it like we did for mothers day. I did get to give him his Fathers Day present. Here it is.
I had a picture of Clay and Kyler printed and put in it. I also felt bad that only a couple people acknowledged Clay on Father's Day. He is a Father! A couple cards, a call, or even a message would have been nice for him. We also visited the cemetery on Fathers Day after I got home. It was actually kind of fun because the sprinklers were on and we kept having to duck behind trees together so we wouldn't get wet.
It's not all bad, we have had some good times lately. We had last Wednesday off together and were able to go to the zoo. The butterfly exhibit was beautiful. I got to feed the giraffes, which I've wanted to do for a long time. We walked through the rose garden and then went on a walk in the foot hills.
Friday, June 15, 2012
This and That
Last week while I was running around trying to find a present for Clay for Father's Day, I ran across a picture frame with a spot for a baby picture and their hospital band. I had to get it. It wasn't what I was looking for for Clay but I decided we needed it anyway. I think it turned out great. I think we will hang it in the hall.
I paid off my car a couple weeks ago and got the title this week. It's so nice to not have to worry about that anymore. Now we can put that money towards the hospital bills.. great. At least it will help us get them paid off sooner. I told Ranon and Clay that now that we own one car if anything more bad happens at least we have a car to live in. I know that is not the best attitude, and we are NO WHERE near being in danger of that happening but it is nice to know that we have options.
We have been thinking about going to Lagoon for the last couple months but we didn't think we'd be able to get it worked out between our schedules, but we got it worked out!!! I am super excited. Me, Clay and one of my good friends are going. We are going to go be care free kids for a couple days. Clay will have someone to ride the rides that I can't go on with him. We'll take lots of pictures!
Sunday is Father's day. I have to work. I feel bad that I have to work, but I had to do it to get off to go to lagoon. I hope Clay and Ranon have an okay day. I am excited to give Clay his present, I think he'll like it.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Vacation Recap
Well my vacation is over. I went back to work yesterday. It looks like I am back on 4 tens for the next few weeks at least which is wonderful. It means I get 3 days off a week again, so my prize for going back to work yesterday is I have today off!
The rest of my vacation was pretty good. I cleaned the garage. (I shoulda taken a picture of that.. I did a good job) I did a lot of yard work. Our garden and flower beds actually look nice right now.
I slept in every day and then got up and went to the gym.
Saturday we got up and it was pretty gloomy out so we decided to go on a spontaneous road trip. One of those things we wouldn't be able to do if Kyler was around or when we have more kids. We dropped the dog off at my parents and went to Jackpot for a few hours.
The rest of my vacation was pretty good. I cleaned the garage. (I shoulda taken a picture of that.. I did a good job) I did a lot of yard work. Our garden and flower beds actually look nice right now.
I slept in every day and then got up and went to the gym.
After Jackpot we spent a few hours at Miracle Hot Springs.
After doing all of that physical labor during my vacation, I managed to throw my back out... sitting down in one of the slot machine chairs! ARGH! I had to spend all day Sunday on the couch. It was pretty rough. I did not take well to being stuck on the couch unable to do anything or go outside again. I survived though and more importantly, Clay survived my fire breathing grumpiness.
Nothing really changed at work while I was gone. I was hoping that they would have gotten some things figured out while I was gone but it doesn't seem like it.
Today my back feels quite a bit better. I still hurt but I was able to leave the house. I was able to finish Clay's Fathers Day present. I think it turned out really well. I've got a picture of it I'll share after Father's Day. I don't want to ruin the surprise for him. :D
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Vacation
This week is my vacation week. I'm trying pretty hard not to think about work and just enjoy the time off. We were able to go camping at Redfish Lake with my brother last weekend. It was perfect weather. We love camping and this is the first time we've been able to go in over a year. Sunday was our anniversary. We rented a small motor boat and took the dog out for his first boat ride on the lake and then came home and went to a nice dinner.
The last 3 days I have been sleeping in, going to the gym, sitting in the sun when it shines and trying to get a few chores done around the house. Last week I finished the first set of blankets to donate. Today I was able to take half of them into the hospital I had Kyler at (I'm going to take the other half to the other big hospital in the valley). It was very hard to go back into the hospital. Thankfully the leader from my support group went with me. I would have changed my mind and left if she hadn't been waiting for me. I think the anticipation of going in was worse then actually going in. I'm glad to have my first visit back to the hospital out of the way. If we have more kids I'll have to be okay with the hospital, I'll be there a lot. I'm glad we got them taken in today. One of the nurses hinted that they will need to give the first set away tomorrow. I hope one of the sets I made is as meaningful to them as ours was to us.
Over the past couple weeks we've been told multiple times that we are so strong. Yep, we are strong, stronger then I ever thought we could be. We are strong because we don't have any other choice. Both of our hearts still hurt some days, and I am sure they always will, but it doesn't happen as often for me now.
The last 3 days I have been sleeping in, going to the gym, sitting in the sun when it shines and trying to get a few chores done around the house. Last week I finished the first set of blankets to donate. Today I was able to take half of them into the hospital I had Kyler at (I'm going to take the other half to the other big hospital in the valley). It was very hard to go back into the hospital. Thankfully the leader from my support group went with me. I would have changed my mind and left if she hadn't been waiting for me. I think the anticipation of going in was worse then actually going in. I'm glad to have my first visit back to the hospital out of the way. If we have more kids I'll have to be okay with the hospital, I'll be there a lot. I'm glad we got them taken in today. One of the nurses hinted that they will need to give the first set away tomorrow. I hope one of the sets I made is as meaningful to them as ours was to us.
Over the past couple weeks we've been told multiple times that we are so strong. Yep, we are strong, stronger then I ever thought we could be. We are strong because we don't have any other choice. Both of our hearts still hurt some days, and I am sure they always will, but it doesn't happen as often for me now.
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