I made it to the semi-magic 24 weeks. Kalen *could* live if I had him now. The truth is, he probably wouldn't, but there is the possibility. I made it past where I started having problems with Kyler, I made it past that very scary log week and a half that I spent with Kyler on pins and needles holding my breath that he would make it to "viable" at 24 weeks. And this time there still has not been any indication of problems. It is slightly reassuring that there haven't been any unexpected problems with Kalen, but it is also not. We made it through all the "scary" parts last time and were "safe" when we lost Kyler. We learned a very hard lesson that you are never safe. I am not sure I am ever going to be able to truly relax with Kalen. My C-Section is scheduled for 5 days before my due date. Kyler got wrapped up in his cord and died 8 days before my due date.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we had not been as aggressive in preventing preterm labor with Kyler. If I'd gone into full labor before he died, maybe he would have lived. If he had lived though, I wouldn't have this little Kalen wiggle worm inside of me right now. We did what we could, what everyone thought was best. I try not to think about that too much though. There is no way to go back and change what happened. I think there was a reason we were picked to live this life. We just have to live it the best that we can.
Clay started a new job this week. It is such a relief. I think it is something he will really like and can stay at for a while. For the first time since January 2009 we don't have the pressure of wondering when the unemployment will run out or when the temp job will decide they don't need him. I was also able to come to an agreement with my boss, her boss and my doctor where I am allowed to work another 4 hours a week from home while I am on limited activity. I went in today to pay bills and realized that for the first time in months, we are able to pay all the bills with out dipping into savings or putting anything more on the credit card. It is so encouraging.
My boss asked me this week if I was going back to work after I had Kalen. I wish I could say I wasn't, but it doesn't seem like staying home is going to be an option right now. She got me thinking that it is really time to start looking for daycare. I dread this. I didn't want to do it with Kyler either. We had decided with Kyler we would look after I had him. That ended up not being necessary. I am not sure how, when we are checking them out, I'm going to keep from asking them the two big inappropriate questions that keep running through my mind. Stupid questions.. "Will you refund the application fee if he dies?" and "How are you going to make sure he doesn't die while we are at work?" Ugh...
Kyler has influenced pretty much everything we have done every day since the 22nd week of my pregnancy with him. A couple days ago, he made me appreciate the walk we took around the block with the dog and encouraged me to go enjoy the tulips that have started coming up in our yard. He made me glad that I put the time and effort into planting all those bulbs last fall, eventhough there were much more "important" things I should have been doing. That same day he also made me notice the local hospital's Maternal/Child transport ambulance getting off the freeway with me. We are lucky to live in a city with a very good NICU. I'm glad they have that special transport to get those who need it to the NICU quickly, but it sucks that they need it. I couldn't help but sadly wonder what journey that mommy and daddy were embarking on an unremarkable day in the middle of March. Thanks to Kyler, pretty much every day I think about how lucky my husband and I were to find each other. I can't imagine going through any of this with anyone else, or worse, alone. We both appreciate the good things more. We have a better understanding of what is important. We really have come a long way since those gloomy November days a bit over a year ago. We are still haunted by everything that happened, but at the same time we are able to stop and enjoy other things more.
Speaking of enjoying, I think I'll stop writing and enjoy the acrobatics that Kalen is performing in my tummy right now. At least at this very moment in time I this little happy baby. Enjoy every minute of a life, your life, that you can. Nothing is certain except this moment.
