Weak

Babies die, kids die.  It has only been recently that the majority of children live.  If you walk through any old cemetery, look at any family history sheet you will more then likely find a child or two who died.  In the 30's 1 in 4 kids born alive died as children.  Clay's grandma lost a baby, my great grandma lost two, and her husband to boot. 

How did all of these people deal with it?  Was it expected so it was okay?  Did they refuse to bond with their children until they were less vulnerable?  I think about all the support I have, the support group, counseling, a husband who listens, friends who get it or at least try really hard to get it, medicine.  I got to see my baby, hold him, make memories, take pictures.  I wasn't told to go home and forget about it and just have another baby.  Even with all of this, I feel like I am just barely making it.  Am I just a weaker person?  The ubiquitous "they" say it is normal to still miss Kyler so much that it hurts my heart.  We went to the evening of memories that the local hospital does last month.  One of the speakers was a chaplin for the hospital who lost his son or daughter 30 years ago.  He said it still hurt.  They still had the wagon and snoopy fishing pole that they had already bought in their original packages in the attic.  It still hurt 30 years later. 

I'd never expected that it wouldn't still hurt 2 years later, but I didn't think it would still hurt this much. Will it still hurt this much 30 years later?  Will I still lie awake at night and cry. I hope not, but at the same time I hope so. Some times I feel like the pain is my tie to him.  I guess I'm better at hiding the hurt now the. I was at first. 

Things haven't been going great in lots of areas. Little love Kalen hasn't been sleeping very well. I am not by any means complaining. I'll take a baby who is up every hour of the day over one who never wakes up in a heart beat, but lack of sleep really really damages my mood, and my mind. Clay had to go out of town for two weeks and when he came back I told him i needed more help. I was forgetting to do the simplest things at work, like clocking in and out.  Quite an awesome example for the team.  He started helping more ant night but I found a catch 22. Less exhaustion for me meant that the nightmares came back. The only way that Kalen and I both sleep well is when we sleep together, but that isn't very safe and isn't a good option. 

Things just keep piling on us. Clay has only worked 2 weeks in the last month and a half. He was set up to draw seasonal unemployment but the 2 weeks back reset that so he has to re-apply again. Another catch 22. Even though clay hasn't been working we have been paying for the new daycare because we love it so much and clay can get called into work any day.  

We still have a good life. And we are beyond blessed to have Kalen, but can we just have a year or so of smooth sailing?  Judging by some of the mail we've got in the first week of January and the number of dr visits and pending dr visits this first week, the answer is not right now