I can't believe that it has been over a month since I was in full meltdown mode. The medication change has helped me a little bit. I'm still not well. Lately it has felt like I've been taking one step forward and one step back, not gaining any ground.
There has been a lot of unrest and drama at work. One day I think I'll ride it out and see where it goes, the next I'll be dead set on leaving. Somedays, like today, I'll be ready to walk out in the morning and okay with everything by the end of the day. I might be going back to doing what I was when I had Kyler and in the months directly after, or I might even be sent back to do what I did years ago, long before Kyler. I don't think that will be good for me, but I don't have much choice in the matter. I'm still angry. Angry at little things, angry at bigger things. Today I was irate because someone left a computer on my desk with out any explanation and in a messy pile. I probably should go do a medication follow up to see if we can adjust it so I don't swing up and down quite as much. I am not sure I am ready to admit that I need more help.
My husband has had a couple job interviews that have went well and I've let myself start to believe that there is hope of him getting a steady job, then he doesn't hear back from the company. It is very discouraging. I am sure it is even more discouraging to him.
Kalen got really sick a couple of weeks ago. We had to take him into the Dr and ER multiple times. They finally admitted him after the 2nd ER visit. He was dehydrated and his oxygen was low. I knew that he needed it, in fact I had wanted them to admit him the first time we went to the ER, but it was hard when they were taking him up to his room. I have already left that hospital with out one of my children. He did, of course, get better and is doing great now which I am thankful for, but I can't believe that on top of everything else we now have 2 ER bills and 2 nights in the hospital we have to figure out how to pay for even though we have nothing extra. It seems like we just can't catch a break.
I know that it could be worse, it could be much worse. I feel bad for having a pity party when we do have a lot to be thankful for, but with everything that has happened over the last 3 years I really need the load to start lightning and it doesn't seem to be headed in that direction. I am not sure I can keep all the balls in the air for much longer.
The weather is helping me a little. I am planning on having a large garden this year along with lots of flowers. I am hoping that the weather is good this weekend so I can spend a few hours in the yard. Physical labor in the sun that I have something to show for when I am done is really helpful for me. I offered to mow one of my friends yards this summer too.
We stopped by Kyler's grave this weekend. The weekend before we had gone and left him some tulips from my yard. This weekend they were still just as beautiful as when we left them. It feels like a sign that they lasted so long. I am not sure what sort of sign though, maybe just a sign that he liked them. This weekend when I looked at his headstone and for some reason the date hit me. November 6 2011, the worst day of my life is forever etched on his headstone. I can't explain the feeling that I had when I looked at that date, it was kind of like I got run over by a truck.
Since we've lost Kyler it has bothered me that I don't feel like I do anything important, so I try to find little things that I can do that make some sort of difference. Yesterday I went and donated blood. It is pretty nice to be able to just pop in and save a couple lives when you are having a bad day.
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