Not a figment of my imagination

Tomorrow will start with out you, just as it does each day. Actually, I'm never with out you, even though it seems that way.  The days just keep rolling by, moving me farther and farther from you. But am I getting farther or am I getting closer to you?  I think about you every day and sometimes you send a sign that you are always here and we will be together in time.

This weekend Kalen was playing, running outside and back in.  I had Pandora turned up on the TV and was cleaning while I watched my little busy body. Your song came on and Kalen came in and just stood there and stared at the TV for the whole song.  Thanks for reminding me that you are always here and you and Kalen have a special bond.

It still hurts like nothing I can describe. Nights are no where near as bad as they once were.  It's a different kind of pain now. Lots of times it is this ever present pain that I've just learned how to live with and function through.  It's kind of like a sore joint or toothache that you just deal with and make accommodations for so you can live with it.  Chronic pain. Every once in awhile though something happens that reminds you just how much it hurts and makes it hurt worse.

A couple days ago I got a face book notification, you have a memory from 4 years ago it said. I open it to find a bunch of Kyler's ultrasound pictures. Early ones where he was tiny and we didn't know he was a boy yet, but he was still a little person.  At that time, we had no idea of the impassable road that laid before us. Everything was perfect. The next day, another notification, another memory. A picture of Clay and I.  4 years ago. Pregnant, happy, innocent, exceedlingly clueless.  I don't recognize that person anymore.  And 4 years?  Really?? It seems like days.

I could turn off these notifications, but I don't think I will.  I'm not sure I can explain why. I guess it's because I can't ignore it, it's part of me.

I went to Lowe's today and Kalen was playing around in his race car cart as we were checking out. The checker looked up and said, "So you have two boys?"  I looked around totally confused.  "No, just the one." I replied.  Although I don't like doing it, one child is my normal polite small talk response to THE question..."How many kids do you have?"  Now it was her turn to be confused, "Oh I saw your necklace..."  Yes my necklace with the two little boys on it.  Caught in my half truth I got the opportunity to share with her that I actually did have a second boy but he passed away.

I think about Kyler every day, in fact I would say I actually think about him every hour of every day.  He's always here but I'm often surprised and comforted when someone helps bring him out of my imagination and into reality.