Memories

Facebook memories are a tricky thing when you've had a trauma.  Often I like seeing the memories, sometimes they hurt and sometimes they are somewhere in between.  Today Facebook reminded me that 5 years ago I was completely broken and was barely functioning. I missed Kyler so much that it physically hurt and took my breath away. I cried a lot. I was having a hard time seeing happiness in my future.  I just wanted to give up on everything and hide under the covers for the rest of my life.  I know that was a really bad time for me (of course it was our baby had been dead for 8 months at that point and we weren't getting pregnant again even though we were trying), but I don't often think of how bad of a time it was. Today my Facebook memories brought me back to that time. I don't know how I made it out relatively okay but comparing then to now, I did.  I have happiness now that co-exists with the pain and sorrow. It still hurts but it's not as raw of a wound. I still cry, but it doesn't prevent me from going about my daily life (most of the time).  I still think of Kyler ever day, probably every hour of every day, but now I also have my other kids that I think about at the same time.

I guess what I am saying is I'm okay. I wasn't sure I ever would be again, but I am. 5 years out I feel like Kyler's death will be a very very sad storyline in the overall story of my life and Kyler's life and death will be the reason for many many things in my life, but the sadness is not playing such a central role. After I complete this life I will get my chance to have Kyler and it will be forever.