New Hope

For the last few months we've been carrying around a big secret.  We've been trying to get pregnant again since last June.  It just wasn't happening and things didn't seem right.  I went to the doctor at the beginning of October to get checked out and she said I was right, my chances of getting pregnant at the time were pretty small.  She sent me home with some things to try and told us not to stop trying even though the odds didn't look great at that time.

Three weeks later I was registering for my heath insurance for next year and just before I was going to submit it, I thought, "I should probably check and see if I am pregnant before I submit these changes."  I snuck off to take a test and sure enough, positive.

The time since then has been a whirlwind of work, doctor appointments, and the majority of the rest of the time spent sleeping or huddled over the toilet.  At first we kept it a pretty big secret, only telling a couple of my close friends and my boss.  I didn't really want to tell my boss that soon, but when I started puking regularly two days after I had a positive test I figured she should know.

Like I've said, we've been to the doctor lots, actually lots of doctors lots.  At my first doctor's appointment with my regular doctor, the nurse proved herself to be the saint I knew she was.  She came and got us out of the waiting room and diverted us to the ultrasound room right away.  The baby really was in there and had a strong heart beat.

The regular doctor sent me to the specialist who put in my cerclage last time.  They decided that a preventive cerclage would be better this time and scheduled me for surgery January 2nd.  After we found out that the surgery was going to be so soon, we decided we better start telling more people.  We told our families last week and have told a few more people since then.  Everyone has been supportive.

Telling people is a lot harder then it was before.  Lots of people have asked me, "this is a good thing, right?" like they don't think I am "appropriately" excited.  I am excited to have a baby, it is what I want, what both of us want, but I know that being pregnant does not guarantee we will end up with a baby.  I can't help but think that everyone we tell is someone we will have to "untell" if something happens.  I guess you could say we are being cautiously optimistic   

We had been saying the whole time we were trying that Kyler and my Sister were picking out Kyler's brother or sister for us and when the time was right and they were all done playing they would send the new baby to us.  It was pretty perfect timing.  We found out we were pregnant a week before Kyler's 1st Birthday.  Being pregnant doesn't fix anything, but it does give us hope that we will get to be the parents we want to be.  It made his birthday and the subsequent holidays a lot easier.

The new baby is due at the beginning of July.  We are already thinking of late summer adventures that we can do with a new born.  I think July and August will be prefect months to have off on maternity leave.  I am also dreaming of extravagant water park birthday parties when he gets older.  I always wished my birthday was in the summer.

Tomorrow is my cerclage.  I hope it all goes well.  I am definitely worrying more then I did last time, but I've seen what can go wrong.  I know that the chances of anything going wrong this time are pretty slim, but then again the chances of anything happening last time were pretty slim too.

So right now we are asking for your prayers, positive thoughts, positive vibes or what ever your belief's are.  We appreciate them all.

Here is his debut pictures. (Yeah, his.  We had a detailed ultrasound and they couldn't tell for sure but they said 90% that it is another boy.  We'll get that confirmed in the next couple months.)

Suriving

I'm still here and still surviving.  I've been a bit under the weather since we got back from my birthday trip.  I've mostly been sleeping and working.  I've been in a pretty good mood for the most part until the last week.  I have been a little bit paranoid about everything over the last week.  I am not sure why.  I don't want to go to work, I'm sure I'll screw something up there.  I really don't want to face the holidays.  I just want to hide in bed.

My work had a holiday party on Friday.  I was supposed to go but by the time I got done putting out fires at work I was emotionally done.  I was bawling in the car on the way home.  I went and met my husband and we started to head to the party but I couldn't stop bawling.  I decided I couldn't put on the happy show any longer that day and we drove right past the party, got dinner and headed home.  Holiday parties really aren't my thing this year.

We are headed to our little cabin rental on Saturday.  I am pretty excited.  I am ready to just get away from real life and hide for a few days with my husband and puppy.  I've just got to get through the next 4 days of work.

We haven't been about to do a lot of the donations that we wanted to yet this Holiday Season, but today we did go buy some little toys to donate.  It was good and bad.  I liked picking out the toys, but I didn't like thinking about how those kids don't really have anything.  I also didn't like going through the toy section and wondering what we would have been buying for Kyler.

Happy 1st Birthday Kyler

Yesterday was Kyler's first birthday.  It wasn't as bad as we thought it would be.  We slept in, went  and voted, and went to breakfast.  After breakfast we took a bunch of things out to Kyler's grave.  We got him two balloons  a happy birthday one, and a big number 1.  We also got him a birthday hat that said happy birthday, and some flowers.  Quite a few people had already been out there and since they are no longer mowing all the stuff we've taken in the past few weeks is still there.  He's got a lot of stuff.

After we dropped off his things we went to the zoo.  It was a beautiful day.

After the zoo we went shopping.  I taught my husband a little about "retail therapy."  We really didn't buy that much, but it was kind of fun.  We did end up with a blu-ray player that he is pretty excited about.

After shopping we went to dinner and then came home, had cake and watched movies on the new blu-ray player.  The cake that the bakery made for Kyler was perfect.

Oh, and Ranon snuggled up with Kyler's bear for a while.

(Okay, I admit it, I put the bear under his paw, but he stayed like that for a long time)

So a year later, we are doing okay.  I would give anything to have Kyler back, but I have received some great gifts because of his loss.  Clay and I are stronger in our relationship then I think we ever could have been.  Both of us have a much better idea of what we want in life, what is important, and what is not worth worrying about.  We have met some great people because of his loss, and reconnected with others.  We have a much better support system then we did before. We have a much better idea who we want to put the effort into maintaining relationships with and who's drama isn't worth it.  I am a bit better at standing up for myself.  I have always wanted to do things for others, but never got it done.. not any more, now I do it.

I am excited about the next year, I think it will be good to us.  I haven't cried in a couple weeks.  I know the tears will come back, but it has been nice to have a little break.

One Year Ago

One year ago today, November 5th, by this time, about noon.  Kyler was dead.  I know he was.  I had gotten up pretty early that day and was sitting on the couch watching TV and he had the hiccups.  That was the last time I felt him move, after that I am pretty sure he was gone.  I had a feeling that something was wrong, but then I also thought I was making things up.  We spent the rest of the day that day getting his room ready.

I took today and tomorrow off of work.  I was planning on just hiding my head under the covers all day today but alas, I had lots of things I had to get done.  I had to go get my drivers license renewed, and take my wedding ring in to get re-sized.  Later today I have to go back and pick up my ring, pick up Kyler's cake and maybe some balloons for him.

It is a beautiful day outside.  I bought 75 or so spring bulbs a few weeks ago and I am going to go and get them planted here in a few minutes.  I am glad that I took today off work.  I guess I am glad I got out of bed.  Tomorrow is going to be rough too, but Clay has the day off.  We will make it special.

11 Months

Kyler would have been 11 months today.  Today I looked up what he would have been doing.  He probably would have been saying a couple words, walking around holding our hands and being a happy little almost toddler.  I try not to look that stuff up very often.  I haven't been around babies much so I don't really know the milestones we are missing and I think that makes it easier.

We had a pretty good day.  We went to "See Spot Walk" a fun walk for the local humane society.

Ranon loved it.  

After the walk Clay and I went to a nice lunch at a way more upscale restaurant then we normally go to and then we went shopping for decorations for the Halloween party that is fast approaching.  Then we took a nap and went to a housewarming party for one of my co-workers.

We did get our house refinanced.  That takes a lot of pressure off.  Clay also got recalled to the job he was laid off from about a month ago and it should last into December this time.  

We are planning a trip to the coast for either my birthday or Kyler's.  I think that will be nice.  We, also, booked a cabin in the woods for a winter vacation and are super excited about that.  We are going to go hang out for 4 nights with just us and the pup.  It should be snowy and cozy.  We are going to bake cookies, bread, cinnamon rolls, drink hot chocolate, watch movies, and play in the snow.  It should be perfect.

I did volunteer at the food bank last Wednesday and I really liked it.  I signed up to do 4 hours every Wednesday.  I think that it will be good for me.

Update on Today's meltdown

So just a quick update to earlier today.  I wrote the first post on my lunch, went back into work and went from being super angry to bawling uncontrollably   Awesome.  I lasted all of 10 minutes back from lunch before I had to leave again.  I went out on the greenbelt behind my work, sat on a bench and sobbed for an hour.  Luckily my boss is pretty understanding.  She called me while I was out there (she was off today) and told me to leave for the rest of the day.  I really didn't want to leave and burn all that time off and was able to pull myself back together enough to go back for the rest of the day after about an hour.  I wasn't very productive at work today but I am kind of glad I went back, although I am not very proud of the scene I caused before I left.  I just couldn't keep from bawling.  I don't really blame the girl.  I know it probably doesn't even cross her mind that something could go wrong with her baby.  I know it had nothing to do with me.

I just want Kyler back so badly and would do anything, especially something so small as taking 3 hours off work and paying a hundred bucks, to have him back.

I made it to my car before I started crying again when I got out of work, cried the whole way home and for the first 15 minutes after I got home.  Then I took one of my good friends up on an offer to make me feel better and went on a hour or so long walk.  I'm feeling a little bit better.  Hopefully I can get a little sleep and will feel better tomorrow.  If not, tomorrow is Friday.

Don't take it for granted. Not all babies live

Ugh. I'm soooo angry! I just sat and listened to one of my pregnant co-workers bitch at her doctor because she doesn't want to take 3 hours off work to go do a expanded glucose test. I know the longer tests suck, but it's fucking 3 hours, and a hundred bucks or so. Yeah, everything is probably fine, but what if it isn't? I can't imagine how I'd feel if I thought there was anything more I could have done for Kyler. Especially if it was something as simple as sitting in a doctors office for 3 hours. I wish people wouldn't take this baby making so lightly. Bad things can happen, bad things do happen. I want to live in a world where all babies are wanted, and especially those who are wanted come home, but I don't anymore. Please don't take it for granted.