I made it to the semi-magic 24 weeks. Kalen *could* live if I had him now. The truth is, he probably wouldn't, but there is the possibility. I made it past where I started having problems with Kyler, I made it past that very scary log week and a half that I spent with Kyler on pins and needles holding my breath that he would make it to "viable" at 24 weeks. And this time there still has not been any indication of problems. It is slightly reassuring that there haven't been any unexpected problems with Kalen, but it is also not. We made it through all the "scary" parts last time and were "safe" when we lost Kyler. We learned a very hard lesson that you are never safe. I am not sure I am ever going to be able to truly relax with Kalen. My C-Section is scheduled for 5 days before my due date. Kyler got wrapped up in his cord and died 8 days before my due date.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we had not been as aggressive in preventing preterm labor with Kyler. If I'd gone into full labor before he died, maybe he would have lived. If he had lived though, I wouldn't have this little Kalen wiggle worm inside of me right now. We did what we could, what everyone thought was best. I try not to think about that too much though. There is no way to go back and change what happened. I think there was a reason we were picked to live this life. We just have to live it the best that we can.
Clay started a new job this week. It is such a relief. I think it is something he will really like and can stay at for a while. For the first time since January 2009 we don't have the pressure of wondering when the unemployment will run out or when the temp job will decide they don't need him. I was also able to come to an agreement with my boss, her boss and my doctor where I am allowed to work another 4 hours a week from home while I am on limited activity. I went in today to pay bills and realized that for the first time in months, we are able to pay all the bills with out dipping into savings or putting anything more on the credit card. It is so encouraging.
My boss asked me this week if I was going back to work after I had Kalen. I wish I could say I wasn't, but it doesn't seem like staying home is going to be an option right now. She got me thinking that it is really time to start looking for daycare. I dread this. I didn't want to do it with Kyler either. We had decided with Kyler we would look after I had him. That ended up not being necessary. I am not sure how, when we are checking them out, I'm going to keep from asking them the two big inappropriate questions that keep running through my mind. Stupid questions.. "Will you refund the application fee if he dies?" and "How are you going to make sure he doesn't die while we are at work?" Ugh...
Kyler has influenced pretty much everything we have done every day since the 22nd week of my pregnancy with him. A couple days ago, he made me appreciate the walk we took around the block with the dog and encouraged me to go enjoy the tulips that have started coming up in our yard. He made me glad that I put the time and effort into planting all those bulbs last fall, eventhough there were much more "important" things I should have been doing. That same day he also made me notice the local hospital's Maternal/Child transport ambulance getting off the freeway with me. We are lucky to live in a city with a very good NICU. I'm glad they have that special transport to get those who need it to the NICU quickly, but it sucks that they need it. I couldn't help but sadly wonder what journey that mommy and daddy were embarking on an unremarkable day in the middle of March. Thanks to Kyler, pretty much every day I think about how lucky my husband and I were to find each other. I can't imagine going through any of this with anyone else, or worse, alone. We both appreciate the good things more. We have a better understanding of what is important. We really have come a long way since those gloomy November days a bit over a year ago. We are still haunted by everything that happened, but at the same time we are able to stop and enjoy other things more.
Speaking of enjoying, I think I'll stop writing and enjoy the acrobatics that Kalen is performing in my tummy right now. At least at this very moment in time I this little happy baby. Enjoy every minute of a life, your life, that you can. Nothing is certain except this moment.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Long Nights.
It's 7AM and I've been awake for hours. I just can't get my brain to turn off. I come home from work exhausted but as soon as I lie down my brain starts working. I think that I fell asleep last night after lying in bed for 4 hours. Then a little after 4 I had to get up to use the bathroom and that was the end of my nights sleep, my brain kicked back in gear.
A lot of the time that I do sleep I have nightmares. The subjects of my nightmares vary, but the worst ones are of losing this baby or losing Clay. At least when I wake up after one where I lost Clay I can just snuggle up to him, he's there.
Last night before I went to bed I was having contractions. I have them all the time, it's fairly normal, but I have to be conscious of them. More then 4 an hour can be trouble. Of course I was worried that I would fall asleep and they would get worse and I wouldn't know it. If were to get any worse we would have to go in to be monitored, down to Labor and Delivery. Having to go back to Labor and Delivery (which is pretty much inevitable) scares the crap out of me, in fact just thinking about it is enough to start up a panic attack. We have some horrible awful memories from labor and delivery triage. I am afraid that walking in there would be enough to trigger a full flashback. Of course, if I thought something was really wrong, I'd go.
I've also been worrying about work a lot. They couldn't afford me to go to part time when I did, but now another one of the supervisors is leaving and they aren't replacing him. That means they need me even more. It makes me feel pretty bad and pretty useless. When I ask my boss what I can do for her, she usually says, "be able to work 40 hours again." This week she told me "you know the timing of this pregnancy really sucks for me." Yeah I know. This morning I woke up worrying about a couple things that I should have finished up yesterday but didn't have time to. Since it is the weekend and I won't be back in until 3:30 on Monday, I just went ahead and dialed in and did it even though I shouldn't have. I didn't want to worry about it all weekend. I'll probably get in trouble. I am still pushing my boss to see if I could work a few hours from home, but it still looks like it won't happen. My boss said she was talking with her boss about making me salaried this week, but they can't because I am on restricted hours. I'm worrying about that as well. I don't want to be salaried, I don't want to be on call. I'll try the oncall thing as part of a rotation to help out my boss and the other supervisors after I am off of restriction, but salaried scares me. My boss works at least 60 hours a week. If Kalen gets here, I can't do that. I want to work less, not more. I am really really hoping that Clay gets a good job with benefits that will break the monetary hold this job has on me. Then I will just have to work on the emotional hold.
I could ask my doctor for some different sleeping pills, but right now I am on the safest ones for pregnancy. I'd like to be knocked out at night more, but I'd rather stay on the safer pills and not sleep then possibly harm Kalen. I am sure the doctor will ask me about it on Tuesday. We'll see what she says.
Most days I am able to sleep hard, long and dream free mid mornings. That keeps me from going too crazy. In fact I think it is about time to head back to bed.
A lot of the time that I do sleep I have nightmares. The subjects of my nightmares vary, but the worst ones are of losing this baby or losing Clay. At least when I wake up after one where I lost Clay I can just snuggle up to him, he's there.
Last night before I went to bed I was having contractions. I have them all the time, it's fairly normal, but I have to be conscious of them. More then 4 an hour can be trouble. Of course I was worried that I would fall asleep and they would get worse and I wouldn't know it. If were to get any worse we would have to go in to be monitored, down to Labor and Delivery. Having to go back to Labor and Delivery (which is pretty much inevitable) scares the crap out of me, in fact just thinking about it is enough to start up a panic attack. We have some horrible awful memories from labor and delivery triage. I am afraid that walking in there would be enough to trigger a full flashback. Of course, if I thought something was really wrong, I'd go.
I've also been worrying about work a lot. They couldn't afford me to go to part time when I did, but now another one of the supervisors is leaving and they aren't replacing him. That means they need me even more. It makes me feel pretty bad and pretty useless. When I ask my boss what I can do for her, she usually says, "be able to work 40 hours again." This week she told me "you know the timing of this pregnancy really sucks for me." Yeah I know. This morning I woke up worrying about a couple things that I should have finished up yesterday but didn't have time to. Since it is the weekend and I won't be back in until 3:30 on Monday, I just went ahead and dialed in and did it even though I shouldn't have. I didn't want to worry about it all weekend. I'll probably get in trouble. I am still pushing my boss to see if I could work a few hours from home, but it still looks like it won't happen. My boss said she was talking with her boss about making me salaried this week, but they can't because I am on restricted hours. I'm worrying about that as well. I don't want to be salaried, I don't want to be on call. I'll try the oncall thing as part of a rotation to help out my boss and the other supervisors after I am off of restriction, but salaried scares me. My boss works at least 60 hours a week. If Kalen gets here, I can't do that. I want to work less, not more. I am really really hoping that Clay gets a good job with benefits that will break the monetary hold this job has on me. Then I will just have to work on the emotional hold.
I could ask my doctor for some different sleeping pills, but right now I am on the safest ones for pregnancy. I'd like to be knocked out at night more, but I'd rather stay on the safer pills and not sleep then possibly harm Kalen. I am sure the doctor will ask me about it on Tuesday. We'll see what she says.
Most days I am able to sleep hard, long and dream free mid mornings. That keeps me from going too crazy. In fact I think it is about time to head back to bed.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
I am normal, but pregnancy after a loss is not.
I went to register for the new baby at a local baby store last weekend. The hours posted on google were wrong. We got there a half hour before close but it was too late. Just a normal thing that happens, right. You can always go back another day. Well, I had a doctors appointment the next day and had this overwhelming feeling that Sunday night would be my last day not on bedrest for months. When the poor registry lady told us we were too late I almost instantly broke out in tears. She felt bad and told me, "You can come back another day." I replied "Yeah I can, if I'm not on bed rest." Trying to make me feel better she said, "Well if you are on bedrest you can do it online.". I told her, "Yeah, I know that's what I had to do last time." and I hurried off. I hate crying in front of other people, especially people who don't know the whole story. She just looked at me like I was a normal run of the mill crazy preggo who was just being extra emotional because of the hormones. Clay wanted to still look around, he thought it would make me feel better so we started to. She found us a few minutes later and gave me the registry "swag bag" just in case I wasn't able to come back. That was nice of her, although it didn't make me feel any better. I apologized to her for crying in front of her, she said "don't worry I'm menopausal I cry over everything too." Ugh, I know she didn't know, but it felt like she was trivializing my emotions. In the back of my mind, I really wanted to drop the dead baby bomb on her. Make her understand why even walking into the store without panicking/having a flash back was an accomplishment in itself, never mind preparing myself to answer all the registry set up questions... Including the big one, "is this your first child." I was mentally prepared to get this done that day and couldn't. We walked a little further through the store and I started sobbing uncontrollably, we went home and it probably took me a good 2 hours to calm down. You see registering was one of those big things I was looking forward to with Kyler. I wanted to wander up and down the store aisles innocently looking at all those cute things imagining how he would look playing with them, using them. With Kyler we didn't want to start registering until we knew if he was a boy or girl, so we had planned to go the day after my 22 week appointment. As you probably know, we actually spent the next day in the hospital monitoring everything he did, preparing for surgery, wondering if he would like through the weekend. After I was released from the hospital and sent home to bedrest, the dream of being able to wander through the aisles and register was gone. Infact I didn't dare register until after he had made it past 24 weeks, the point where there was a possibility he would live. When I did register I did it online, looking at pictures, reviews, and lists of what you "should" need for the baby, rather then holding feeling and browsing through everything. I was lucky that I got to do it, but it wasn't the same by any stretch of the imagination. Despite my bad feeling, my doctor's appointment went fin the next day. Yesterday we got up early, started the registry online so didn't have answer the questions in person. Then we went in and just got a gun to "update" it. It was a lot of fun, of course not like I had imagined it would be with Kyler, and there was a little bit of sadness with it as well. We are planning on using most the stuff we got for Kyler with the new baby, so it was bitter sweet to think things like, no we don't have to register for any Newborn diapers, we have enough that the new baby can use. Or, let's go ahead and register for the high chair, we never did end up getting one for Kyler, we were going to get one later but "later" never came. Anyway we got it done. We registered for lots of fun and cut stuff and had those daydreams in the store of the new baby playing with all the toys, rolling around on the fuzzy giraffe mat, or throwing Cheerios out of his high chair to the dog.
Speaking of the "new baby", he's not "new baby" anymore. I think we've picked out his name. He is going to be Kalen Gabriel. Of course on the internet it says Kalen means lots of things, but I'm going to go with it means Mighty Warrior. His middle name, like with Kyler, we picked more for meaning. Gabriel, God is my strength. I was joking with Clay that we were setting a prescendent that if we have any more kids they will have to be K first names with biblical middle names. I don't like that there are a lot of girls named Kaylen, Kaelyn ect ect, but Kalen is a boy's name and I really like it. I told my boss the name we picked the other day, she said she liked it but she had really like Kyler, yeah, we did too.
Picking names this time was very different. It was more hurried. We have been looking at names since we found out we were pregnant, even before. We weren't even going to wait until we found out boy or girl, we were just going to pick one of each, but then we found out so early he was a boy. We needed to get him a name in case something happened. When I went into the hospital at 22 weeks with Kyler and we thought we were going to lose him I felt so guilty. I was worried he was going to die with out a name. We didn't even have any ideas at that time. Last time we thought a lot about how it would look on a school roster, if a sub would be able to pronounce it, how it would sound announced a graduation, how it would look on business cards. This time we thought about all of that again, but also had one more thing to add to the list. How will it look on a head stone. I don't think Kalen will die, but it is part of my life, babies die even for no reason. This makes me think about things sometimes. The last couple times we have gone to the cemetery I've wondered if we could get a plot adjacent to Kyler if something happened to Kalen. Some people might think that is weird or morbid, but I don't really. I just know reality is, there is no guarentee one way or another. Good things happen but so do bad things.
I've still been going to my counselor. I was going every two weeks, but last week she bumped me back up to every week. She doesn't think I am dealing well with the pregnancy. I am having a hard time with a lot of stuff, but I think a lot of it is just normal pregnancy after a loss things, like the name and grave thing, or like still having trouble going to baby stores, or not wanting to take baby classes because you don't want to be surrounded by happy oblivious preggos. She keeps telling me I need to keep positive and basically not to think about what happened with Kyler. I know that Kalen and Kyler are different but we haven't even gotten to where I started having problems last time. We still two weeks away from the "scary" weeks that we had with Kyler. I am positive about this pregnancy, but cautiously so. I just don't think that she understands the complexity. We'll see how it goes over the next couple weeks. Like I said, I have a lot of trouble when I feel like people are trivializing my feelings, chalking them up to "pregnancy hormones" or depression that can be fixed with pills. It is just complicated. Pregnancy after a loss is hard, really hard. It takes strength and courage beyond words.
I miss Kyler. We are going to start changing his room over to Kalen's in the next couple of weeks. That is exciting and hard. I know Kyler wouldn't mind sharing. The Kyler chapter of our life will never be closed, but it is kind of like we are turning to a new blank page, you have to flip back a page to see him. If I feel up to it tonight I might start taping off the baseboards for painting. We still haven't decided what we are going to do with his stuff, like the gifts people gave us for his first birthday, his hand and foot mold, the pregnancy test from him. I defiantly don't want it tucked away in a box in a closet somewhere, but I don't think it should be in Kalen's room. Maybe we will move it to our room or something. Clay has been thinking about making a shadow box for it, but hasn't gotten it done yet.
I've still been working 20 hours per week. It is good and bad. Sometimes I feel really guilty that I am not there to help out with things and I feel like I am kind of out of the loop. Sometimes I feel like it would be better to not work at all, but then I would never see or talk to anyone or really have any motivation to get out of bed every day. Clay got laid off the first of January and it has been nice to have him home, but going from two full time paychecks to one half of a paycheck and an unemployment check has been stressful. I just see these bills racking up on top of the bills we have left from Kyler. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter, we are making minimum payments and the only "secured" debt is the house. It's not like they are going to dig up Kyler, shove him back in me and take his headstone away if we don't pay the credit card we put all of that on, but it is hard to watch that emergency savings account dwindle and the credit card debt to up. My counselor told me last week, just think in no time you will be back to work full time. UGH, the other big thing I have been struggling with. I don't know how I am going to be able to leave Kalen and go back to work full time, but the reality is, I am going to have to figure it out. Of course I worried a lot about that with Kyler, and it turned out to not be an issue. I would have dropped him in daycare 10 hours a day 5 days a week if it meant I could have him the rest of the time. I guess it will work out in the end.
Today I am 20 weeks pregnant. Usually that is a pretty big milestone in a pregnancy but I'm not feeling it this time. One of my coworkers asked me about it on Friday. "You are 20 weeks, right, how exciting." I pulled one of those ungraceful moves and told her "Not really, the big ones for me are 22 weeks, when we had problems with Kyler the first time, 24 weeks, the point at which babies are considered viable outside of the womb, and 28 weeks, when the majority of babies born early survive." I felt a little bad, but it was honest. I think she understood, she is one of the most honest people I work with.
This weekend I was able to spend two days sitting outside in the sun with out a coat on. I think that helped my "spirit" a lot. Now the sun is starting to go down and it's getting a bit chilly outside. I guess I better wrap up this long rant and head inside. Thanks for listening to me gripe. Thanks to everyone who reads. It's not always unicorns and rainbows but we are still moving forward.
Speaking of the "new baby", he's not "new baby" anymore. I think we've picked out his name. He is going to be Kalen Gabriel. Of course on the internet it says Kalen means lots of things, but I'm going to go with it means Mighty Warrior. His middle name, like with Kyler, we picked more for meaning. Gabriel, God is my strength. I was joking with Clay that we were setting a prescendent that if we have any more kids they will have to be K first names with biblical middle names. I don't like that there are a lot of girls named Kaylen, Kaelyn ect ect, but Kalen is a boy's name and I really like it. I told my boss the name we picked the other day, she said she liked it but she had really like Kyler, yeah, we did too.
Picking names this time was very different. It was more hurried. We have been looking at names since we found out we were pregnant, even before. We weren't even going to wait until we found out boy or girl, we were just going to pick one of each, but then we found out so early he was a boy. We needed to get him a name in case something happened. When I went into the hospital at 22 weeks with Kyler and we thought we were going to lose him I felt so guilty. I was worried he was going to die with out a name. We didn't even have any ideas at that time. Last time we thought a lot about how it would look on a school roster, if a sub would be able to pronounce it, how it would sound announced a graduation, how it would look on business cards. This time we thought about all of that again, but also had one more thing to add to the list. How will it look on a head stone. I don't think Kalen will die, but it is part of my life, babies die even for no reason. This makes me think about things sometimes. The last couple times we have gone to the cemetery I've wondered if we could get a plot adjacent to Kyler if something happened to Kalen. Some people might think that is weird or morbid, but I don't really. I just know reality is, there is no guarentee one way or another. Good things happen but so do bad things.
I've still been going to my counselor. I was going every two weeks, but last week she bumped me back up to every week. She doesn't think I am dealing well with the pregnancy. I am having a hard time with a lot of stuff, but I think a lot of it is just normal pregnancy after a loss things, like the name and grave thing, or like still having trouble going to baby stores, or not wanting to take baby classes because you don't want to be surrounded by happy oblivious preggos. She keeps telling me I need to keep positive and basically not to think about what happened with Kyler. I know that Kalen and Kyler are different but we haven't even gotten to where I started having problems last time. We still two weeks away from the "scary" weeks that we had with Kyler. I am positive about this pregnancy, but cautiously so. I just don't think that she understands the complexity. We'll see how it goes over the next couple weeks. Like I said, I have a lot of trouble when I feel like people are trivializing my feelings, chalking them up to "pregnancy hormones" or depression that can be fixed with pills. It is just complicated. Pregnancy after a loss is hard, really hard. It takes strength and courage beyond words.
I miss Kyler. We are going to start changing his room over to Kalen's in the next couple of weeks. That is exciting and hard. I know Kyler wouldn't mind sharing. The Kyler chapter of our life will never be closed, but it is kind of like we are turning to a new blank page, you have to flip back a page to see him. If I feel up to it tonight I might start taping off the baseboards for painting. We still haven't decided what we are going to do with his stuff, like the gifts people gave us for his first birthday, his hand and foot mold, the pregnancy test from him. I defiantly don't want it tucked away in a box in a closet somewhere, but I don't think it should be in Kalen's room. Maybe we will move it to our room or something. Clay has been thinking about making a shadow box for it, but hasn't gotten it done yet.
I've still been working 20 hours per week. It is good and bad. Sometimes I feel really guilty that I am not there to help out with things and I feel like I am kind of out of the loop. Sometimes I feel like it would be better to not work at all, but then I would never see or talk to anyone or really have any motivation to get out of bed every day. Clay got laid off the first of January and it has been nice to have him home, but going from two full time paychecks to one half of a paycheck and an unemployment check has been stressful. I just see these bills racking up on top of the bills we have left from Kyler. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter, we are making minimum payments and the only "secured" debt is the house. It's not like they are going to dig up Kyler, shove him back in me and take his headstone away if we don't pay the credit card we put all of that on, but it is hard to watch that emergency savings account dwindle and the credit card debt to up. My counselor told me last week, just think in no time you will be back to work full time. UGH, the other big thing I have been struggling with. I don't know how I am going to be able to leave Kalen and go back to work full time, but the reality is, I am going to have to figure it out. Of course I worried a lot about that with Kyler, and it turned out to not be an issue. I would have dropped him in daycare 10 hours a day 5 days a week if it meant I could have him the rest of the time. I guess it will work out in the end.
Today I am 20 weeks pregnant. Usually that is a pretty big milestone in a pregnancy but I'm not feeling it this time. One of my coworkers asked me about it on Friday. "You are 20 weeks, right, how exciting." I pulled one of those ungraceful moves and told her "Not really, the big ones for me are 22 weeks, when we had problems with Kyler the first time, 24 weeks, the point at which babies are considered viable outside of the womb, and 28 weeks, when the majority of babies born early survive." I felt a little bad, but it was honest. I think she understood, she is one of the most honest people I work with.
This weekend I was able to spend two days sitting outside in the sun with out a coat on. I think that helped my "spirit" a lot. Now the sun is starting to go down and it's getting a bit chilly outside. I guess I better wrap up this long rant and head inside. Thanks for listening to me gripe. Thanks to everyone who reads. It's not always unicorns and rainbows but we are still moving forward.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Another Week, Another Doctor Appt
Another week another doctor appointment, well I am supposed to have them every two weeks, but this time to get the scheduling worked out they were back to back weeks. We got to see little buddy again and he was very active. He moved his arms, lets and opened and closed his mouth. The doctor said everything is going good, no more restrictions but strict orders to not do any more then I have been. I guess I'll keep holding down my spot on the couch when I am not at work. I am catching up pretty quick on all my "trash" tv, not sure what I'll do when I am caught up.
Our dog has been very clingy to me. He wasn't like this with Kyler. It is pretty rare that he is not snuggled up with me when I am home. I hope that's a good sign.
I also want to say how grateful I am to have Clay. Sometimes he drives me crazy and I am sure I drive him crazy as well but he is great and we are great together. I was thinking about it tonight and about some of the guys before Clay, and how awful they were. I found out one of them has a divorce and a couple of very similarly aged kids by two baby momma's under his belt. I am so lucky that I found my way to Clay, even if I have to nag him a little and he can't give me shots.
Speaking of shots, I had my first shot of many today. It wasn't quite as bad as I remember, although I haven't tried to sleep on that side yet. I told the nurse that I wanted to do them on the day I worked early so I could go home and whine to Clay about it rather then my co-workers. :D She told Clay he better have some flowers or bling for me every Thursday afternoon. I think I'll take him just putting up with my whining.
Our dog has been very clingy to me. He wasn't like this with Kyler. It is pretty rare that he is not snuggled up with me when I am home. I hope that's a good sign.
I also want to say how grateful I am to have Clay. Sometimes he drives me crazy and I am sure I drive him crazy as well but he is great and we are great together. I was thinking about it tonight and about some of the guys before Clay, and how awful they were. I found out one of them has a divorce and a couple of very similarly aged kids by two baby momma's under his belt. I am so lucky that I found my way to Clay, even if I have to nag him a little and he can't give me shots.
Speaking of shots, I had my first shot of many today. It wasn't quite as bad as I remember, although I haven't tried to sleep on that side yet. I told the nurse that I wanted to do them on the day I worked early so I could go home and whine to Clay about it rather then my co-workers. :D She told Clay he better have some flowers or bling for me every Thursday afternoon. I think I'll take him just putting up with my whining.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Feeling kind of useless
I feel like I should preface this with, I didn't sleep well last night and I am tired. The more tired I am the more "crazy" I get.
It's been a couple weeks since I was put on activity restrictions and started working 20 hours a week and I am starting to feel isolated and alone. I had to quit the food bank, I don't see may people at work. I can't go do much at all outside of work. Even going to the grocery store is a struggle.
There is a lot of important, useful, stuff I could be doing for work, but it is hard to get it done in 4 hours a day. It's stuff I could do from home and I think that would make me feel accomplished but I am not allowed. HR doesn't like to have hourly associates work from home. I think it is doable but I don't think that my boss has the time to try and get it approved. Even though I do contribute when I am at work, it feels like I've been or should be written off. After all we have no idea how long I'm going to be able to do even the 20 hours a week. I'm slipping down the ladder watching everyone else climb much higher.
Today I went in for a staff meeting and pretty much just felt like an outsider. They decided that they are going to have a team get together outside of work some time soon. Not a big deal. The support staff is expected to come. The problem is one of the girls is going to bring her newborn. I still can't deal with babies, especially newborns. We had a Christmas party last month and I had a full on panic attack at the possibility that she was going to show up with her baby and ended up not going. Not sure how I'm going to deal with this mandatory socialization.
I've been trying to help around the house as much as I can, but I am pretty limited with that too. Clay is pretty much doing everything around the house. I get irritated when I feel like he has sat around and played on the computer or watched TV all day and didn't get anything done, but I don't really have a right to get irritated because I am sitting on the couch right next to him.
HR said that they would have a decision on my FMLA application by the end of the week. I'm worried about it, even-though there isn't any reason that it should be denied. But then again, I didn't think there was any reason my disability would be denied. I'm not sure what to do about the disability. I still think they are wrong, but I really don't want to deal with it, and I don't even know who could answer the questions I have about the policy.
We did get the results back on some of the testing we had done on the baby. We are in the lowest risk category for Trisomy and some other conditions. That is exciting. We also had an ultrasound on Monday and it looked encouraging. My cervix is measuring quite a bit longer then it was last time, although the doctor we saw said that he didn't expect it to start shortening for another couple weeks. We did get confirmation that it is a boy! Little buddy wasn't being cooperative with having his picture taken though, so we didn't get any good pictures of him. We have another doctor appointment/ultrasound on Tuesday. Maybe we'll get some good pictures then.
We got our "family" pictures back and they are pretty good. I am glad we did it. It was kind of a, look we survived a year and are doing okay kind of thing for me.
It's been a couple weeks since I was put on activity restrictions and started working 20 hours a week and I am starting to feel isolated and alone. I had to quit the food bank, I don't see may people at work. I can't go do much at all outside of work. Even going to the grocery store is a struggle.
There is a lot of important, useful, stuff I could be doing for work, but it is hard to get it done in 4 hours a day. It's stuff I could do from home and I think that would make me feel accomplished but I am not allowed. HR doesn't like to have hourly associates work from home. I think it is doable but I don't think that my boss has the time to try and get it approved. Even though I do contribute when I am at work, it feels like I've been or should be written off. After all we have no idea how long I'm going to be able to do even the 20 hours a week. I'm slipping down the ladder watching everyone else climb much higher.
Today I went in for a staff meeting and pretty much just felt like an outsider. They decided that they are going to have a team get together outside of work some time soon. Not a big deal. The support staff is expected to come. The problem is one of the girls is going to bring her newborn. I still can't deal with babies, especially newborns. We had a Christmas party last month and I had a full on panic attack at the possibility that she was going to show up with her baby and ended up not going. Not sure how I'm going to deal with this mandatory socialization.
I've been trying to help around the house as much as I can, but I am pretty limited with that too. Clay is pretty much doing everything around the house. I get irritated when I feel like he has sat around and played on the computer or watched TV all day and didn't get anything done, but I don't really have a right to get irritated because I am sitting on the couch right next to him.
HR said that they would have a decision on my FMLA application by the end of the week. I'm worried about it, even-though there isn't any reason that it should be denied. But then again, I didn't think there was any reason my disability would be denied. I'm not sure what to do about the disability. I still think they are wrong, but I really don't want to deal with it, and I don't even know who could answer the questions I have about the policy.
We did get the results back on some of the testing we had done on the baby. We are in the lowest risk category for Trisomy and some other conditions. That is exciting. We also had an ultrasound on Monday and it looked encouraging. My cervix is measuring quite a bit longer then it was last time, although the doctor we saw said that he didn't expect it to start shortening for another couple weeks. We did get confirmation that it is a boy! Little buddy wasn't being cooperative with having his picture taken though, so we didn't get any good pictures of him. We have another doctor appointment/ultrasound on Tuesday. Maybe we'll get some good pictures then.
We got our "family" pictures back and they are pretty good. I am glad we did it. It was kind of a, look we survived a year and are doing okay kind of thing for me.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Rollercoaster
It's been a bit of a roller coaster since my last post. I did go back to work that Monday for my full 10 hour shift. Less then an hour in I knew exactly why the doctors didn't seem too keen on me returning to work full time (even though they never told me not to.) There was a huge difference between puttering around the house and actually going to work. I was crampy, having some contractions and exhausted. I stuck it out Monday and Tuesday knowing that I had a doctor's appointment (and the day off) on Wednesday.
My doctor appointment went well but when we started talking about work, the doctor restricted me to 20 hours a week. It seemed perfect. My disability policy defines a disability as being unable to make at least 80% of your normal wage with a 7 day waiting period before they pay benefits. It seemed I would be able to get partial disability since I was working part time. I applied, but then they called me and denied me. They said that I would have to be out a full 7 days to be approved, even though their policy says 7 days of continuous disability and a disability is not being able to make 80% argh! So half the work means half the pay. If I was out completely I would get 60%. It feels like I am getting penalized because we are trying to keep things from getting bad.
After I realized I wasn't going to get paid full time I had another realization, my company doesn't provide health insurance for part time associates. My boss called HR for me and sure enough, if you average less then 32 hours a week you are not eligible. At this point I was really upset. How was I supposed to choose between working the 20 hours my doctor wanted me to and having health insurance, especially for the baby.
Luckily the next day (after a sleepless night) I remembered that I should qualify for FMLA and you can take it intermittently to cover shortened work weeks. I called HR again and they told me if I qualify for intermittent FMLA it will cover the hours that I need for health insurance. My doctor is supposed to get my paperwork in to them tomorrow or Tuesday. I am still nervous about being approved, but I should be. I've done some reading and most people who have a cerclage, even a preventive one, go out of work full time as soon as it is done. If I get approved then we just have to worry about money. That's a big worry but we will figure it out. Clay got laid off again at the first of the year, but he does qualify for unemployment so that will help us get by.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with the specialist. They are supposed to do an ultrasound to see if my cervix has shortened any. If it has I will likely be on full time bedrest. I'll also see what he thinks about my working situation (it was my normal OB that put me on 20 hours a week). I am guessing that they should be able to tell for sure if it is a boy or girl tomorrow, since they could almost tell 5 weeks ago. I'm excited about that.
We has family pictures taken last weekend. I realized that the only professional pictures we had were of our wedding and the NILMDTS pictures that we had done in the hospital. We both wanted to take some pictures with the picture we had of Kyler, so we picked a photographer who also works with NILMDTS. We thought she would be more sensitive to what we wanted to do, and she defiantly was. We has a lot of fun, got the pictures we wanted with Kyler's picture and some other ones with our dog, Ranon, and just us together. We have gotten a few preview pictures so far and they are great. We should get the rest of them later this week.
Other then the drama with pay and insurance, working 20 hours has been pretty good. I get to sleep in as late as I need to, take a shower as late as I need to (showers have been a huge nausea trigger), take naps and just rest almost as much as I need to. I have been mostly sleeping and lying on the couch since she changed my hours. I think that the last 3 months of being so sick and exhausted and still working full time really took it's tole on me so it is nice to recover.
My doctor appointment went well but when we started talking about work, the doctor restricted me to 20 hours a week. It seemed perfect. My disability policy defines a disability as being unable to make at least 80% of your normal wage with a 7 day waiting period before they pay benefits. It seemed I would be able to get partial disability since I was working part time. I applied, but then they called me and denied me. They said that I would have to be out a full 7 days to be approved, even though their policy says 7 days of continuous disability and a disability is not being able to make 80% argh! So half the work means half the pay. If I was out completely I would get 60%. It feels like I am getting penalized because we are trying to keep things from getting bad.
After I realized I wasn't going to get paid full time I had another realization, my company doesn't provide health insurance for part time associates. My boss called HR for me and sure enough, if you average less then 32 hours a week you are not eligible. At this point I was really upset. How was I supposed to choose between working the 20 hours my doctor wanted me to and having health insurance, especially for the baby.
Luckily the next day (after a sleepless night) I remembered that I should qualify for FMLA and you can take it intermittently to cover shortened work weeks. I called HR again and they told me if I qualify for intermittent FMLA it will cover the hours that I need for health insurance. My doctor is supposed to get my paperwork in to them tomorrow or Tuesday. I am still nervous about being approved, but I should be. I've done some reading and most people who have a cerclage, even a preventive one, go out of work full time as soon as it is done. If I get approved then we just have to worry about money. That's a big worry but we will figure it out. Clay got laid off again at the first of the year, but he does qualify for unemployment so that will help us get by.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with the specialist. They are supposed to do an ultrasound to see if my cervix has shortened any. If it has I will likely be on full time bedrest. I'll also see what he thinks about my working situation (it was my normal OB that put me on 20 hours a week). I am guessing that they should be able to tell for sure if it is a boy or girl tomorrow, since they could almost tell 5 weeks ago. I'm excited about that.
We has family pictures taken last weekend. I realized that the only professional pictures we had were of our wedding and the NILMDTS pictures that we had done in the hospital. We both wanted to take some pictures with the picture we had of Kyler, so we picked a photographer who also works with NILMDTS. We thought she would be more sensitive to what we wanted to do, and she defiantly was. We has a lot of fun, got the pictures we wanted with Kyler's picture and some other ones with our dog, Ranon, and just us together. We have gotten a few preview pictures so far and they are great. We should get the rest of them later this week.
Other then the drama with pay and insurance, working 20 hours has been pretty good. I get to sleep in as late as I need to, take a shower as late as I need to (showers have been a huge nausea trigger), take naps and just rest almost as much as I need to. I have been mostly sleeping and lying on the couch since she changed my hours. I think that the last 3 months of being so sick and exhausted and still working full time really took it's tole on me so it is nice to recover.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Recovering
My surgery went well. The anesthesiologist decided it would be easier on us both to just give me general anesthesia and I agreed. I didn't talk to the doctor after my surgery, but Clay did, and the doctor said it went well. I haven't had any problems or complications other then a sore throat from the breathing tube. The doctor sent me home with a few pain pills and I haven't even really needed them. I've just been sleeping and resting since then.
After I was in recovery I asked the nurses to check the baby's heartbeat and they told me they couldn't. I should have insisted but I wasn't really in the state of mind to fight with them. I haven't been very anxious about it anyway.
My regular doctor's office called to make sure I was doing okay today. That made me feel a bit better too. I have an appointment with them next week.
It looks like if everything continues to go well I will be back to work on Monday. I am just going to try and rest the rest of the weekend, although I am getting a little antsy.
We told Kyler to let the new baby know not to misbehave during and after the surgery, that the bright light wasn't showing him the exit and that his current digs are pretty good for the next 6 months. It seems he listened.
After I was in recovery I asked the nurses to check the baby's heartbeat and they told me they couldn't. I should have insisted but I wasn't really in the state of mind to fight with them. I haven't been very anxious about it anyway.
My regular doctor's office called to make sure I was doing okay today. That made me feel a bit better too. I have an appointment with them next week.
It looks like if everything continues to go well I will be back to work on Monday. I am just going to try and rest the rest of the weekend, although I am getting a little antsy.
We told Kyler to let the new baby know not to misbehave during and after the surgery, that the bright light wasn't showing him the exit and that his current digs are pretty good for the next 6 months. It seems he listened.
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