Doing well and struggling at the same time

I passed the glucose test on the second time around.  The doctor said I did not have diabetes, but that I was probably carbohydrate intolerant.  I pretty much knew that already.  I haven't been able to eat pure sugar candy since 7th grade with out getting sick.  When I took the test last time, I figured I would fail it the first time.  This time the only reason I thought I might pass it the first time around was because I passed it last time

My doctor says I am doing well.  She seemed pretty concerned about me continuing to work this week. She didn't say that I couldn't continue to work what I have, but she did say more then twice that she wouldn't hesitate to rewrite my paperwork to cut out some more hours.  I told her I was fine for now.  I think she is more worried about my mental state right now then my physical state.

It is getting harder to be functioning right now.  I just want to curl up in a ball with the dog and Clay and lay in bed for the next 2 months.  Just want to get this baby here healthy.  I am not comfortable being out and about.  I have started to show and I worry about the well meaning happy baby comments.  "Is this your first?"..... "Uhhhh"  "Get your sleep now while you can, that baby is going to keep you up all night every night."  I can only imagine how calming the noise will be.  I can't even express how heavy, dark, and all consuming the silence is/was, especially at night.  I haven't been sleeping "appropriately"  I go to bed late, and have nightmares (mixed in with a few good dreams) until the sun comes up.  Once the sun comes up, I am able to sleep some.

We started working in earnest on Kalen's room the last couple weekends.  It is nearly done.  It was exciting to do it.  Change it from the room of smashed dreams, to one of hope.  It also hurt to mess with Kyler's things.  It feels like we are leaving him behind.  We have a few things of Kyler's that Kalen won't use that we need to decide what to do with .  I think they will end up in a box, I still can't handle getting rid of anything.  I think we've given away a total of 5 of Kyler's things.  The really important things Clay will make a shadow box for.  I think that I am going to make a scrap book for Kyler with his ultrasound pictures, the cards from my shower, and the sympathy cards we received.

We went and had our car seat checked this weekend.  That was hard.  We had put Kyler's car seat in the car but we never got around to getting it checked.  After we had Kyler I hated that car seat.  I wanted it gone, out of my car and gone.  It was the only thing that we had someone else take care of.  Take it out of the car before I have to leave the hospital were my instructions to our brother in law.  It disappeared from my car as requested.  We got it back a few days later and promptly gave it to someone else.  I'm really not sure I want Kalen's car seat in the car before we have him.  I was seriously considering just leaving it by the front door and having someone pick it up, AFTER we have a happy healthy baby, and bring it to the hospital.

I need to get my hospital bag packed soon.  I am also not sure how I want to do that.  It was so hard in the hospital with Kyler to dig through his totally irrelevant things to find my toothbrush.  Maybe I'll pack two bags.  Stuff for me and stuff for him.  Just in case.

I have a few people who have mentioned throwing me a baby shower.. sigh.  I wish I could get excited about a baby shower but I just can't.  I really don't want to plan one for myself.  I also don't want to be surprised.  I don't think I would hold up well at one.  I we have pretty much everything we need.  After we lost Kyler, it was very hard to figure out what to do with the things that people had given us.  Most of it we saved, so we already have a baby shower's worth of stuff.  I don't want to get more stuff, especially stuff we don't need and then have to go through the trauma of figuring out what to do with it if something happens.  On the other hand.  I want to celebrate Kalen.  I want him to have some of his own stuff.  I want to be okay with a baby shower for Kalen, but I don't know that I can be.

Kyler's baby shower was also the last time I really freely socialized with much of our family.  We stopped talking to a lot of them after we had Kyler and when we do it is very forced and uncomfortable.  If all the people who came to the first shower came to Kalen's it also would be very awkward.

I drove by the cemetery today on the way home from work.  I have been quite a bit lately, not on purpose, just because it is a better commute at the end of rush hour.  Today I drove by and the canopy was in the baby section.  The canopy that they use for funerals.  Kyler has a new neighbor.  :(  It hurts my heart that someone else is going through this now.  It has been such a beautiful week.. not a time to lose a baby.  To the parents of that baby... I'm so very sorry!

  

Perspective

Last Thursday I had to do my glucose test. The next day the nurse called me back. "You're going to wish you didn't answer the phone," she said. I failed the initial diabetes test. Today I get to spend 3 hours hanging out at the doctor's office, not eating, drinking sugar water, and getting my blood drawn over and over. Not a lot of fun, but also not really a big deal. Let's see, On the list of bad news I've gotten during pregnancies where does this rate....

1. We cant find the heartbeat. Your baby is dead.
2. You still have to deliver your baby and we can't knock you out for it.
3. You need a c-section and your epidural slipped, we are going to have to poke you again.
4. You're 22 weeks and dilated, we are sending you to the hospital
5. We are going to try and get the cerclage in, but we are not sure it will work. We might break your water and then your baby will die.
6. You can leave the hospital but you are on bed rest indefinately.
7. You have to get weekly (painful) shots.. (both times)
8. You might have gestational diabetes.
9. You have group b strep.

Yeah, pretty near the bottom of the list of bad news. At least if I do have diabetes, its something controllable, and if controlled shouldn't hurt Kalen. Not to mention, a diet change is a lot less disruptive on my life then something like bed rest. Not that I wouldn't do anything to get Kalen here safely.

This weekend we finally decided on colors for Kalen's room and started the process of changing Kyler's room to Kalen's. It's hard to "move on" but at the same time it is helpful. Kylers crib was just the way we left it on November 5th, except we had put the blanket and sleeper we were going to bring Kyler home on it. It was hard but also freeing to pack up his bedding set and dismantle the crib. This weekend we are going to paint and then get the a new crib for Kalen probably the next week. I'm excited to make the room his. Last time we painted it before we were even pregnant, so although it was really cute, it wasn't done specifically for Kyler. This time we are doing it specifically with Kalen in mind.

Clay is settling into his job a little more, which is taking a lot of the stress off. I also had a talk with my boss a couple weeks ago and told her how I felt like a lot of the work I do was being overlooked or trivialized. She's done a good job the last few weeks making sure to recognize my professionalism, reliability and contributions.

Kalen is now a little over 28 weeks. If he is born alive from this point forward, he should live. I've been thinking about when it is that babies move from heaven to the real world when you are pregnant. I think Kalen is here on earth with us when he's awake and kicking, and when he's sleeping, he is back in heaven playing as much as he can with his big brother Kyler.

Taking care of Kalen

I got sent home from work today. I was having contractions and not really noticing them. I sat down to talk to my boss and she noticed I kept pushing on my tummy and asked me about it. As I thought about it I did have a lot more contractions today then usual and I agreed with her that I should come home. The only way I could get them to go away was to lay down, lay.. Not sit or recline. So I've been laying in bed crazy bored and uncomfortable for 5 hours. I am glad that we at least got cable installed in the bedroom so I had a little choice on what I watched. Hopefully I can go back to work tomorrow. It is so hard for me to listen to my body and slow down. I want to push myself to do more, which is great when I'm not pregnant. But I am pregnant and high risk at that. If I am having contractions at work I just need to suck it up..... And leave. No matter what other stuff needs done. My only important job right now is getting Kalen here safely.

Clay started his new job last week. He is very stressed about iti hope he starts to settle into it and become comfortable soon. He was already having a hard time with Kyler and Kalen and I think the job stress is just adding to it. Can you believe that there is another new hire at his job named Kyler? It also doesn't help his stress that he doesn't get to sit around and babysit me or go to my doctor appointments.

I've been thinking a lot about that last week of pregnancy. It scares me so much. Scheduling the c-section for July 2nd sounds great, but I'm hung up on the days to due date. Kalen is scheduled 5 days before his due date. Kyler died 8days before his due date. I just can't get that out of my head.

Scattered Thoughts

I made it to the semi-magic 24 weeks.  Kalen *could* live if I had him now.  The truth is, he probably wouldn't, but there is the possibility.  I made it past where I started having problems with Kyler, I made it past that very scary log week and a half that I spent with Kyler on pins and needles holding my breath that he would make it to "viable" at 24 weeks.  And this time there still has not been any indication of problems.  It is slightly reassuring that there haven't been any unexpected problems with Kalen, but it is also not.  We made it through all the "scary" parts last time and were "safe" when we lost Kyler.  We learned a very hard lesson that you are never safe.  I am not sure I am ever going to be able to truly relax with Kalen.  My C-Section is scheduled for 5 days before my due date.  Kyler got wrapped up in his cord and died 8 days before my due date.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we had not been as aggressive in preventing preterm labor with Kyler.  If I'd gone into full labor before he died, maybe he would have lived.  If he had lived though, I wouldn't have this little Kalen wiggle worm inside of me right now.  We did what we could, what everyone thought was best.  I try not to think about that too much though.  There is no way to go back and change what happened.  I think there was a reason we were picked to live this life.  We just have to live it the best that we can.

Clay started a new job this week.  It is such a relief.  I think it is something he will really like and can stay at for a while.  For the first time since January 2009 we don't have the pressure of wondering when the unemployment will run out or when the temp job will decide they don't need him.  I was also able to come to an agreement with my boss, her boss and my doctor where I am allowed to work another 4 hours a week from home while I am on limited activity.  I went in today to pay bills and realized that for the first time in months, we are able to pay all the bills with out dipping into savings or putting anything more on the credit card.  It is so encouraging.

My boss asked me this week if I was going back to work after I had Kalen.  I wish I could say I wasn't, but it doesn't seem like staying home is going to be an option right now.  She got me thinking that it is really time to start looking for daycare.  I dread this.  I didn't want to do it with Kyler either.  We had decided with Kyler we would look after I had him.  That ended up not being necessary.  I am not sure how, when we are checking them out, I'm going to keep from asking them the two big inappropriate questions that keep running through my mind.  Stupid questions.. "Will you refund the application fee if he dies?" and "How are you going to make sure he doesn't die while we are at work?"  Ugh...

Kyler has influenced pretty much everything we have done every day since the 22nd week of my pregnancy with him.  A couple days ago, he made me appreciate the walk we took around the block with the dog and encouraged me to go enjoy the tulips that have started coming up in our yard.  He made me glad that I put the time and effort into planting all those bulbs last fall, eventhough there were much more "important" things I should have been doing.  That same day he also made me notice the local hospital's Maternal/Child transport ambulance getting off the freeway with me.  We are lucky to live in a city with a very good NICU.  I'm glad they have that special transport to get those who need it to the NICU quickly, but it sucks that they need it.  I couldn't help but sadly wonder what journey that mommy and daddy were embarking on an unremarkable day in the middle of March.  Thanks to Kyler, pretty much every day I think about how lucky my husband and I were to find each other.  I can't imagine going through any of this with anyone else, or worse, alone.  We both appreciate the good things more.  We have a better understanding of what is important.  We really have come a long way since those gloomy November days a bit over a year ago.  We are still haunted by everything that happened, but at the same time we are able to stop and enjoy other things more.

Speaking of enjoying, I think I'll stop writing and enjoy the acrobatics that Kalen is performing in my tummy right now.  At least at this very moment in time I this little happy baby.  Enjoy every minute of a life, your life, that you can.  Nothing is certain except this moment.

Long Nights.

It's 7AM and I've been awake for hours.  I just can't get my brain to turn off.  I come home from work exhausted but as soon as I lie down my brain starts working.  I think that I fell asleep last night after lying in bed for 4 hours.  Then a little after 4 I had to get up to use the bathroom and that was the end of my nights sleep, my brain kicked back in gear.

A lot of the time that I do sleep I have nightmares.  The subjects of my nightmares vary, but the worst ones are of losing this baby or losing Clay.  At least when I wake up after one where I lost Clay I can just snuggle up to him, he's there.

Last night before I went to bed I was having contractions.  I have them all the time, it's fairly normal, but I have to be conscious of them.  More then 4 an hour can be trouble.  Of course I was worried that I would fall asleep and they would get worse and I wouldn't know it.  If were to get any worse we would have to go in to be monitored, down to Labor and Delivery.  Having to go back to Labor and Delivery (which is pretty much inevitable) scares the crap out of me, in fact just thinking about it is enough to start up a panic attack.  We have some horrible awful memories from labor and delivery triage.  I am afraid that walking in there would be enough to trigger a full flashback.  Of course, if I thought something was really wrong, I'd go.

I've also been worrying about work a lot.  They couldn't afford me to go to part time when I did, but now another one of the supervisors is leaving and they aren't replacing him.  That means they need me even more.  It makes me feel pretty bad and pretty useless.  When I ask my boss what I can do for her, she usually says, "be able to work 40 hours again."  This week she told me "you know the timing of this pregnancy really sucks for me."  Yeah I know.  This morning I woke up worrying about a couple things that I should have finished up yesterday but didn't have time to.  Since it is the weekend and I won't be back in until 3:30 on Monday, I just went ahead and dialed in and did it even though I shouldn't have.  I didn't want to worry about it all weekend.  I'll probably get in trouble.  I am still pushing my boss to see if I could work a few hours from home, but it still looks like it won't happen.  My boss said she was talking with her boss about making me salaried this week, but they can't because I am on restricted hours.  I'm worrying about that as well.  I don't want to be salaried, I don't want to be on call.  I'll try the oncall thing as part of a rotation to help out my boss and the other supervisors after I am off of restriction, but salaried scares me.  My boss works at least 60 hours a week.  If Kalen gets here, I can't do that.  I want to work less, not more.  I am really really hoping that Clay gets a good job with benefits that will break the monetary hold this job has on me.  Then I will just have to work on the emotional hold.

I could ask my doctor for some different sleeping pills, but right now I am on the safest ones for pregnancy.  I'd like to be knocked out at night more, but I'd rather stay on the safer pills and not sleep then possibly harm Kalen.  I am sure the doctor will ask me about it on Tuesday.  We'll see what she says.

Most days I am able to sleep hard, long and dream free mid mornings.  That keeps me from going too crazy.  In fact I think it is about time to head back to bed.

I am normal, but pregnancy after a loss is not.

I went to register for the new baby at a local baby store last weekend. The hours posted on google were wrong. We got there a half hour before close but it was too late. Just a normal thing that happens, right. You can always go back another day. Well, I had a doctors appointment the next day and had this overwhelming feeling that Sunday night would be my last day not on bedrest for months. When the poor registry lady told us we were too late I almost instantly broke out in tears. She felt bad and told me, "You can come back another day." I replied "Yeah I can, if I'm not on bed rest."  Trying to make me feel better she said, "Well if you are on bedrest you can do it online.". I told her, "Yeah, I know that's what I had to do last time." and I hurried off.  I hate crying in front of other people, especially people who don't know the whole story.  She just looked at me like I was a normal run of the mill crazy preggo who was just being extra emotional because of the hormones.  Clay wanted to still look around, he thought it would make me feel better so we started to.  She found us a few minutes later and gave me the registry "swag bag" just in case I wasn't able to come back.  That was nice of her, although it didn't make me feel any better.  I apologized to her for crying in front of her, she said "don't worry I'm menopausal  I cry over everything too."  Ugh, I know she didn't know, but it felt like she was trivializing my emotions.  In the back of my mind, I really wanted to drop the dead baby bomb on her. Make her understand why even walking into the store without panicking/having a flash back was an accomplishment in itself, never mind preparing myself to answer all the registry set up questions... Including the big one, "is this your first child." I was mentally prepared to get this done that day and couldn't. We walked a little further through the store and I started sobbing uncontrollably, we went home and it probably took me a good 2 hours to calm down.  You see registering was one of those big things I was looking forward to with Kyler.  I wanted to wander up and down the store aisles innocently looking at all those cute things imagining how he would look playing with them, using them.  With Kyler we didn't want to start registering until we knew if he was a boy or girl, so we had planned to go the day after my 22 week appointment.  As you probably know, we actually spent the next day in the hospital monitoring everything he did, preparing for surgery, wondering if he would like through the weekend.  After I was released from the hospital and sent home to bedrest, the dream of being able to wander through the aisles and register was gone.  Infact I didn't dare register until after he had made it past 24 weeks, the point where there was a possibility he would live.  When I did register I did it online, looking at pictures, reviews, and lists of what you "should" need for the baby, rather then holding feeling and browsing through everything.  I was lucky that I got to do it, but it wasn't the same by any stretch of the imagination. Despite my bad feeling, my doctor's appointment went fin the next day.  Yesterday we got up early, started the registry online so didn't have answer the questions in person.  Then we went in and just got a gun to "update" it.  It was a lot of fun, of course not like I had imagined it would be with Kyler, and there was a little bit of sadness with it as well.  We are planning on using most the stuff we got for Kyler with the new baby, so it was bitter sweet to think things like, no we don't have to register for any Newborn diapers, we have enough that the new baby can use.  Or, let's go ahead and register for the high chair, we never did end up getting one for Kyler, we were going to get one later but "later" never came.  Anyway we got it done.  We registered for lots of fun and cut stuff and had those daydreams in the store of the new baby playing with all the toys, rolling around on the fuzzy giraffe mat, or throwing Cheerios out of his high chair to the dog.

Speaking of the "new baby", he's not "new baby" anymore.  I think we've picked out his name.  He is going to be Kalen Gabriel.  Of course on the internet it says Kalen means lots of things, but I'm going to go with it means Mighty Warrior.  His middle name, like with Kyler, we picked more for meaning.  Gabriel, God is my strength.  I was joking with Clay that we were setting a prescendent that if we have any more kids they will have to be K first names with biblical middle names.  I don't like that there are a lot of girls named Kaylen, Kaelyn ect ect, but Kalen is a boy's name and I really like it.  I told my boss the name we picked the other day, she said she liked it but she had really like Kyler, yeah, we did too.

Picking names this time was very different.  It was more hurried.  We have been looking at names since we found out we were pregnant, even before.  We weren't even going to wait until we found out boy or girl, we were just going to pick one of each, but then we found out so early he was a boy.  We needed to get him a name in case something happened.  When I went into the hospital at 22 weeks with Kyler and we thought we were going to lose him I felt so guilty.  I was worried he was going to die with out a name.  We didn't even have any ideas at that time. Last time we thought a lot about how it would look on a school roster, if a sub would be able to pronounce it, how it would sound announced a graduation, how it would look on business cards. This time we thought about all of that again, but also had one more thing to add to the list. How will it look on a head stone. I don't think Kalen will die, but it is part of my life, babies die even for no reason. This makes me think about things sometimes. The last couple times we have gone to the cemetery I've wondered if we could get a plot adjacent to Kyler if something happened to Kalen.  Some people might think that is weird or morbid, but I don't really.  I just know reality is, there is no guarentee one way or another.  Good things happen but so do bad things.

I've still been going to my counselor.  I was going every two weeks, but last week she bumped me back up to every week. She doesn't think I am dealing well with the pregnancy. I am having a hard time with a lot of stuff, but I think a lot of it is just normal pregnancy after a loss things, like the name and grave thing, or like still having trouble going to baby stores, or not wanting to take baby classes because you don't want to be surrounded by happy oblivious preggos. She keeps telling me I need to keep positive and basically not to think about what happened with Kyler.  I know that Kalen and Kyler are different but we haven't even gotten to where I started having problems last time.  We still two weeks away from the "scary" weeks that we had with Kyler.  I am positive about this pregnancy, but cautiously so.  I just don't think that she understands the complexity.  We'll see how it goes over the next couple weeks.  Like I said, I have a lot of trouble when I feel like people are trivializing my feelings, chalking them up to "pregnancy hormones" or depression that can be fixed with pills.  It is just complicated.  Pregnancy after a loss is hard, really hard.  It takes strength and courage beyond words.

I miss Kyler.  We are going to start changing his room over to Kalen's in the next couple of weeks. That is exciting and hard.  I know Kyler wouldn't mind sharing.  The Kyler chapter of our life will never be closed, but it is kind of like we are turning to a new blank page, you have to flip back a page to see him.  If I feel up to it tonight I might start taping off the baseboards for painting.  We still haven't decided what we are going to do with his stuff, like the gifts people gave us for his first birthday, his hand and foot mold, the pregnancy test from him.  I defiantly don't want it tucked away in a box in a closet somewhere, but I don't think it should be in Kalen's room.  Maybe we will move it to our room or something.  Clay has been thinking about making a shadow box for it, but hasn't gotten it done yet.

I've still been working 20 hours per week.  It is good and bad.  Sometimes I feel really guilty that I am not there to help out with things and I feel like I am kind of out of the loop.  Sometimes I feel like it would be better to not work at all, but then I would never see or talk to anyone or really have any motivation to get out of bed every day.  Clay got laid off the first of January and it has been nice to have him home, but going from two full time paychecks to one half of a paycheck and an unemployment check has been stressful.  I just see these bills racking up on top of the bills we have left from Kyler.  I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter, we are making minimum payments and the only "secured" debt is the house.  It's not like they are going to dig up Kyler, shove him back in me and take his headstone away if we don't pay the credit card we put all of that on, but it is hard to watch that emergency savings account dwindle and the credit card debt to up.  My counselor told me last week, just think in no time you will be back to work full time.  UGH, the other big thing I have been struggling with.  I don't know how I am going to be able to leave Kalen and go back to work full time, but the reality is, I am going to have to figure it out.  Of course I worried a lot about that with Kyler, and it turned out to not be an issue.  I would have dropped him in daycare 10 hours a day 5 days a week if it meant I could have him the rest of the time.  I guess it will work out in the end.

Today I am 20 weeks pregnant.  Usually that is a pretty big milestone in a pregnancy but I'm not feeling it this time.  One of my coworkers asked me about it on Friday.  "You are 20 weeks, right, how exciting."  I pulled one of those ungraceful moves and told her "Not really, the big ones for me are 22 weeks, when we had problems with Kyler the first time, 24 weeks, the point at which babies are considered viable outside of the womb, and 28 weeks, when the majority of babies born early survive."  I felt a little bad, but it was honest.  I think she understood, she is one of the most honest people I work with.

This weekend I was able to spend two days sitting outside in the sun with out a coat on.  I think that helped my "spirit" a lot.  Now the sun is starting to go down and it's getting a bit chilly outside.  I guess I better wrap up this long rant and head inside.  Thanks for listening to me gripe.  Thanks to everyone who reads.  It's not always unicorns and rainbows but we are still moving forward.  

Another Week, Another Doctor Appt

Another week another doctor appointment, well I am supposed to have them every two weeks, but this time to get the scheduling worked out they were back to back weeks.  We got to see little buddy again and he was very active.  He moved his arms, lets and opened and closed his mouth.  The doctor said everything is going good, no more restrictions but strict orders to not do any more then I have been.  I guess I'll keep holding down my spot on the couch when I am not at work.  I am catching up pretty quick on all my "trash" tv, not sure what I'll do when I am caught up.

Our dog has been very clingy to me.  He wasn't like this with Kyler.  It is pretty rare that he is not snuggled up with me when I am home.  I hope that's a good sign.

I also want to say how grateful I am to have Clay.  Sometimes he drives me crazy and I am sure I drive him crazy as well but he is great and we are great together.  I was thinking about it tonight and about some of the guys before Clay, and how awful they were.  I found out one of them has a divorce and a couple of very similarly aged kids by two baby momma's under his belt.  I am so lucky that I found my way to Clay, even if I have to nag him a little and he can't give me shots.

Speaking of shots, I had my first shot of many today.  It wasn't quite as bad as I remember, although I haven't tried to sleep on that side yet.  I told the nurse that I wanted to do them on the day I worked early so I could go home and whine to Clay about it rather then my co-workers.  :D  She told Clay he better have some flowers or bling for me every Thursday afternoon.  I think I'll take him just putting up with my whining.