Another Good Weekend

It was another good weekend.  We went on a long bike ride to watch my niece play soccer, did yard work, played catch and I just sat out on the sun for 4 hours.  I am so thankful to actually be able to be outside!  I thought briefly about going in to sit on the couch and do a few thing I needed to like pay  bills but then I realized, I have wireless internet... I can sit outside and do those things.

Our dog, Ranon, hurt himself this week.  It was nothing serious, just a split toenail, but of course since he is our baby we both freaked out and were really tempted to take him to the emergency vet, but we both decided to be rational and call the emergency vet instead.  :D  They said it could wait for the normal vet so we had our niece take him in first thing the next day.  He's fine, but he did get a pretty bandage (which he promptly chewed off) pain meds and antibiotics.  Plus he got to sleep in our bed for two nights.  I'm pretty proud that we didn't take him into the emergency vet.

Work was alright last week.  I am working on new project and it is kind of exciting.  I am not sure if it will solve my "issues" that I have been having going to work, but at least it is a change.  I had applied for another job a few weeks ago when I was really having trouble with my current job.  In the process of applying for it, I received an email from one of my old high school teachers that apparently works at the place I applied for.  I didn't get the job but maybe there is a reason that I was supposed to reconnect with this former teacher.

Well, I've got a few hours left to this weekend and a few things left to do.  I better go eat dinner, plant my garden and paint my toenails.  :D

Functioning Adult?

Today as I was finishing eating dinner off the paper plates we used because our sink is full of dirty dishes from the weekend and the dishwasher is full of clean dishes from last week, while I was moving the load of clean laundry from last weekend to the baskets that were already overflowing with clean laundry from the previous weeks, so I could put the load of laundry that I had to do today so I'd have clean work clothes tomorrow in the dryer, I asked my husband.. "Are we really functioning adults?"  We stood back together and looked at the mess in the kitchen, living room, and laundry room and agreed "not really."  We concluded we were "regressed low functioning adults" and then I turned on the dryer, threw the paper plate away, and headed outside to enjoy the nice evening and blow some bubbles.

Our priorities have changed a lot.  Someday I may care again (at least as much as I did before) that the laundry gets done in a timely manner and then actually gets put away, dishes get done and the house looks neat.  Part of it is I can't remember to do a lot of things, but mostly it is that I don't care and most of it doesn't really matter.  Don't get me wrong, we do enough to get by.  I set reminders to do the important things like pay bills or do loads of laundry.  Our house is not super dirty, we do the dishes and laundry when we really need to.  We pick up the house once a month or so, but it just isn't a priority.  It is much more important to me right now that we do as much fun stuff as we can, and be outside as much as we can.  Last weekend I went to the gym both days, we ran some small errands, went on a picnic, played catch for the first time in a decade, fixed our bikes and went for a bike ride, hiked to table rock, went to a friends birthday party, went to the zoo, worked in the garden, played with the dog, blew about half a million bubbles and just enjoyed ourselves.  It was the best weekend.  Maybe being a functioning adult is overrated.

My counselor and I are working on a mindset change for me.  For most of my life, I spent most of my time worrying about how I'm going to make others feel. I don't want to be a burden or bother to anyone else. My counselor said that she thinks I want to fly under the radar... way too far under the radar. She's right, and it's always been that way. I over think things, worry too much, let people push me around and hold things in.  She thinks that is part of why I've been having problems at work.  We'll see how this works out.  I've already been more, shall we say, outgoing, since we lost Kyler.  I'll probably end up getting fired for being too outspoken, lol.

Ungraduated

So I had graduated to every other week counseling. Then, I went in last week and she figured out how much trouble I was having with work and ungraduated me. I'm back to every week. I am doing training right now so that means I'm good with work until the first week in May. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it in May, but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. We'll see what the counselor and I work out in the meantime.

My husband got laid off.... Again. He got a whopping 2 days notice again. Since it happened pretty much the same way a few months ago, it was not surprising, but it still wasn't what we wanted to hear. When he got recalled to work last time I said I'd pay off my car so we wouldn't have to worry about it if he got laid off again. Guess what, I didn't. Instead we bought iPhones, fixed our tv, painted our bedroom, went out to eat, ect ect. I was really kicking myself for all of that this weekend. Luckily the staffing agency he was working for called today and put him on a three week assignment at another company. Whew, another reprieve! I swear I'll learn this time around and get the stupid car paid off.

I've been spending as much time as I can outside.  We did a lot of yard work this weekend, and I got quite a sunburn. I know, at 30, I should be able to remember sunblock but apparently I can't.  Today, for the first time in my life, the sunburn felt wonderful.  I could feel the warmth of the sun in my face, neck and arms all day.  It reminded me that I was able to spend nearly all weekend outside.  No lectures please, I know I should wear sunblock, but I never thought a sunblock would feel this good.

I haven't made it to the gym much the last week.  I've been working 8 hour days instead of 10 which sure makes it seem like I have a lot more time after work, but then I keep planning things after work. I hiked to Table Rock one day (that almost counts as the gym), went to Mountain Home for dinner one day, went to my counselor one day, went to a track meet, dinner, the old penitentiary, and desert one day.  I guess it's good that I've been getting out, but hopefully I can get back to the gym this week.

Easter

Today is Easter. A couple of day ago was 5 months since we had Kyler.   Five months is such a long time, but it's not. No wonder people are starting to get tired of making accommodations for me. I'd probably be tired of it too, if I were in their shoes, but that doesn't change the fact that we are still very effected by Kyler's life and death on a daily basis.  I'm doing a little better then just being a functioning adult most days.. but not a lot more.

We spent nearly all day yesterday outside working in the yard. It was so beautiful. It is so much easier for me to get motivated to work in the yard now. 8 months ago I would have traded anything (except Kyler) to just be able to go sit outside let alone be able to do some productive work.  I think this weekend I was probably outside in the sun for at least 10 hours each day.  I can't wait for summer!

I'm still having a bit of trouble with work.  Last week I did my job as the needed me to every day, but I also spent every day pretty heavily sedated.  I hate taking the sedatives, especially since I don't need them much outside of work now, but that's what I needed to get through the week.  I made through the week and now I get to do training for 3 of the next 4 weeks.  Hopefully that goes well.   It should.  I'll wait until I'm done with training to worry again about what to do about work.

 Today wasn't too bad of a day.  It was very busy.  I got up early and went and left an Easter basket at one of my friends who's been really supportive front door.  Then I came home and went back to bed.  The Easter bunny visited us even though we forgot to dig out the baskets.

  Clay and the dog and I slept in late and then went to the gym.  After the gym we came home and cleaned up and went a few things for Kyler.  We got him a pinwheel and a couple of plastic Easter eggs that looked like monkeys.

Then we came home and I went for a walk with one of my friends.  Then we went to dinner with my husband's family.  I was pretty sure I wasn't in any mood to go but decided to go anyway, after taking a sedative.. which tends to loosen my tongue a little.  I probably should have stayed home.  Someone there was complaining about some medical bills they have.  I couldn't hold my tongue, and I told them yeah, we've got A LOT of medical bills... for a dead baby.  Oops.  What I perceive as ungratefulness drives me crazy.  The rest of the dinner was okay.  I was able to hold my tongue for the rest of it, mostly by tuning out and playing with my phone.  At least we got to sit out side in the sun.  Then we came home and I blew some bubbles (I bought some colored bubbles a few weeks ago and love them), planted some seedlings and sat outside in the sun some more.  The sun feels so wonderful.  Ranon thinks so too.

Since I am training for the next month is is going to be May before I know it, six months after Kyler,  and summer.  I will enjoy every warm day in the sun that I can this summer.  Hopefully I do a better job applying the sunblock then I did today, though.

Doing good in all areas... except one.

Every day that I make it out of bed, get showered and ready, and make the trek into work is a win. Every morning I sit here on the couch with the puppy and think about how much I want to climb back into my warm cozy bed with him and hide. On Wednesdays I get to do just that, stay cozy warm in bed with the dog as long as I want. It's safe, it's warm, it's comfy, there are no worries, or expectations of me. I think not wanting to leave the safeness of my bed is a big problem with me working. I dream of quitting and making every day like my Wednesdays are now, but I know that is not the answer.  I have been doing pretty good being a functioning adult in almost every area of my life lately, except work.  I'm not sure what I need to do.  I've got a great job but I've not been doing a good job at it lately.  I had another meltdown at work today and spent the day crying at my desk.  I am not sure what triggered it but by the time I pulled into the parking lot I was on the brink of a panic attack and I had no control over it.  I probably should have just called in, but I went in anyway.  It was a busy day at work today and they needed me to take calls but I couldn't.  I worked on a lot of other things, but not what they needed me to do.  The stress and guilt of watching the calls stack up in the queue knowing I would start balling if I tried to take a call finally go to me and I went ahead and left a few hours early.  I talked to my boss before I left and he said basically that they need me either on the phones or they need me to go back to the position I was in before I left.  I really don't know what to do, especially when I have days like today.  Most days I just feel hesitant to take calls but if I actually take them they aren't that bad.  Maybe I should just try harder to take calls on the days I'm feeling iffy and just call in on days like today.  I don't really think I want to go back to the position I was in before.  I can get a doctor's note for any days I call in or leave early if I need to but usually I'd rather be there doing something.  I am supposed to do training again the week after next.  I do a good job with that and I think I will be able to do that with out any melt downs... hopefully, but I know the bosses are doubting I will be able to keep it together.  I am a little worried that they will stop letting me do training if I continue being crazy.  I wish Clay and I were in a position where I could take some more time off and maybe do some volunteer type things instead of working, but we need me to keep working so we can keep up on the bills and keep my benefits.  Maybe sometime in the future I'll be able to do something different.

I think I decided to go ahead and put a picture of Kyler up at my desk.  I put the picture I carry of him in my wallet up on my desk every day this week and it felt good.  I decided he deserves a place on my desk.  He is a big part of who I am now.  It's a good picture.  Hopefully it isn't too "creepy" for other people, I wasn't very understanding about things like that in the past myself, but I decided I don't care.  I haven't decided between the wallet size pic or the 4x6 yet, but I think I am going to go try and find a frame for it this weekend.

Sometimes I wonder what color eyes Kyler had.  It bugs me that I never got to see my son's eyes. It was a big debate the whole time I was pregnant, whether they would be blue like mine or green/hazel like Clay's or maybe something in between.  I guess we'll just have to wait quite a bit longer to find out.

My counselor graduated me from sessions every week to every other week. I guess that is good.  Like I said, I am doing pretty good outside of work.  We are doing more and having more fun then we ever have.  We still have our bad days but we have had a lot of good times in the last few months.  We of course wish we were staying home with Kyler, but we figure since we have a chance to do everything we want with out the logistics of kids, we'll do it.  The counselor basically said if I would be okay skipping a week she would rather me be out having fun then coming in to see her.  I think this week I am going to go on a walk with one of my friends since I have the week off of counseling.

This weekend I think we are going to paint our bedroom, do some yard work if the sun comes out, maybe track down a bike rack so we can go on bike rides out side of our neighborhood, work on some blankets, and maybe go on a bike ride with one of my friends if we get the rack.  It should be a pretty good weekend.  

It's awful he died, not that he lived.

We went to our support group meeting on Monday night. The last one was cancelled so it's been two months since we've gone.  I was kind of wondering how I'd feel about it since I've been going to counseling every week.  I think they are both very helpful.  In counseling I get to talk a lot about what has been going on in my life, but she doesn't have a lot of experience with infant loss.  In group we talk a lot about what we have been feeling and find that it is normal and similar to other people's experiences.

There was a new girl in group this week.  She lost her baby Feb 6th.  I wish she didn't have to be there, but it is nice to meet someone new.  She said something awesome I totally agree with. She basically said it is not terrible that my son existed. It is terrible that he died, but wonderful that he lived if even for a short time. She asked to see our pictures of Kyler. She is one of the only people who have asked to see him. It felt good to share him. She shared the pictures of her baby too. I've been thinking of putting one of Kyler's pictures up at my desk at work. I love looking at his pictures and want to share him but I'm sure some people would have a problem with it. I understand not everyone is comfortable with pictures if dead babies. I wasn't comfortable with them until I had my own.  The new girl said she put up a picture of her sons feet at her desk work.   Maybe I should do that.  I should go through my pictures again and see what I have.

We finally got the last of the hospital bills. I look at the charges and then what I actually have to pay and I am so thankful to have good insurance.  I'd rather not have to pay anything for this whole awful experience, but I can't imagine what we would have done if we didn't have good insurance.  I don't believe that good health care should be a financial burden or unobtainable to anyone.  I hate that about the United States.  At least now I don't have to worry about any more bills showing up and wondering how much they will be, I just have to work on paying off the credit card I put them all on.

My counselor was out this week so I didn't have to go today.  I've been pretty sore for a while and I've been thinking about getting a massage.  Last week I found groupon type deal for one and I went and did that today instead of going to counseling.  I've never had a massage before.  It was weird, but I think I really needed it.  When I got it, I bought two.  Now I have to decide if I want to do the second one or give it to my husband.  I should give it to him, he needs a massage too.

I've made it okay through the last few days of work.  I think I may get to do training again next month.  I'm hoping so.  Training is usually 3 of 4 weeks out of the month.  It makes the time go by so quick, if I get to do it, it will be May before I know it.  I can't wait until late spring/summer

A little better

Last week was better. I'm still having problems with work, but I made it to work every day this week and actually did my real job, answering phone calls, most of the week.  My counselor suggested maybe my problems with work were there before all this happened.  I'm not sure.  I don't wake up excited to go to work, but I've never hated it before.  It's a really good job.  Hopefully I can make it through this.  Right now we need me to be working there.  I think the next month or so will go better.  I think I am going to be doing some more training which I am good at, I like to do, and time flys when I am doing it.  It will be May before I know it.

My husband and my anniversary is coming up.  It will be our 5th anniversary!  We decided this year we would do something for it.  Usually I take the week off and then we end up with no money and just stay around town, but not this year!  We reserved a cottage on the northern Washington coast for two nights.  Last night we were talking about what else we were going to do, because again I took the whole week off.  We decided we are just going to plan to be spontaneous.  We are going to take our camping stuff and a couple backpacks and just do what ever we feel like.  We might go into Canada, we might go camping on one of the islands, we might drive back down the coast.  If we go into Canada we might take the car, or we might just "backpack".  Who knows.  :D  We are both excited to go with out a master plan.

Tonight we are going to a Monster truck show with some of our friends.  I've never been to one but I am excited.  I think it is going to be a lot of fun!