Memories

Facebook memories are a tricky thing when you've had a trauma.  Often I like seeing the memories, sometimes they hurt and sometimes they are somewhere in between.  Today Facebook reminded me that 5 years ago I was completely broken and was barely functioning. I missed Kyler so much that it physically hurt and took my breath away. I cried a lot. I was having a hard time seeing happiness in my future.  I just wanted to give up on everything and hide under the covers for the rest of my life.  I know that was a really bad time for me (of course it was our baby had been dead for 8 months at that point and we weren't getting pregnant again even though we were trying), but I don't often think of how bad of a time it was. Today my Facebook memories brought me back to that time. I don't know how I made it out relatively okay but comparing then to now, I did.  I have happiness now that co-exists with the pain and sorrow. It still hurts but it's not as raw of a wound. I still cry, but it doesn't prevent me from going about my daily life (most of the time).  I still think of Kyler ever day, probably every hour of every day, but now I also have my other kids that I think about at the same time.

I guess what I am saying is I'm okay. I wasn't sure I ever would be again, but I am. 5 years out I feel like Kyler's death will be a very very sad storyline in the overall story of my life and Kyler's life and death will be the reason for many many things in my life, but the sadness is not playing such a central role. After I complete this life I will get my chance to have Kyler and it will be forever.

Friday November 4th

Friday November 4th.  The last time the world had a Friday November 4th I was happily pregnant with my first child.  We had just recently made it "out of the woods" with the pregnancy.  I had completed more then 3 months of strict bed rest due to complications that had arose during the 22nd week of pregnancy, but I made it.  I was full term.  I was back at work waiting out the remaining days until he arrived, pushing his little feet and bum down out of my rib cage while I did the menial tasks my work was nice enough to give me since they knew my return would be short lived.  I joked with my coworkers who said they were prepared to deliver my baby right there in the middle of the call center should the need arise.  I told everyone how relieved I was that he wasn't going to be a Halloween baby and how I was hoping he wouldn't be born on my birthday.  I confided in one of my other co-workers how scared I was of becoming a mom.  I had no doubt that he would be born alive and healthy.

I was wrong.

Within 24 hours he was dead.

This is the first time since he was born that the dates of the year line up with the same days of the week as 2011.  Although each year is a tiny bit easier to deal with then the one before, the days of the week lining up this year has made it harder.

We are taking our two beautiful rainbow babies and running away tomorrow.  Out of the chilly fall valley that triggers my flashbacks and panic attacks.  I'm a firm believer that sometimes it is just better to run away and avoid triggers.  Hopefully tomorrow as we get farther from the valley the gloom and pain will start to lift, like it has in years past and we can have a nice little vacation/remembrance/birthday at the coast.

I just have to make it though today, first.

We love you and miss you Kyler.  Every. Single. Day.
   

I'm having another baby this week.....

It's been a long long time since I've been able to sit down and write.  I have meant to multiple times but something has always come up.  

I am having another baby this week.  I am pregnant with a little girl and I am scheduled to have a c-section on Friday unless she decides she wants to come earlier.  My pregnancy this time has been a lot easier in many ways.  I haven't had any complications, no bedrest or activity restrictions, I was able to continue working the entire pregnancy.  I am grateful that I have been able to have one "normal" pregnancy, but even my "normal" pregnancy is not a normal happy pregnancy.  Getting pregnant does not mean I automatically get to take home a baby.  Having no complications does not mean I automatically get to take home a baby.  I sit here at 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant feeling her wiggle around and that does not automatically mean I get to take home a baby.  "Aren't you glad you've made it?" people ask.  I haven't made it, she could still die.  Don't get me wrong, I want her to live, I need her to live, but just because she is here now doesn't automatically mean she will.  I know that all too well.  Kyler was alive and perfect at this point too. 

I've enjoyed this pregnancy more then with Kyler or Kalen and I've allowed myself to get more invested. Now that we are down to the final week I'm excited and I'm super scared that I'm excited. What if something happens?  I know statistics are on my side, statistically nothing should happen. Statistics were in my side with Kyler too, statistically nothing should have happened with him.  Statistics say he should be here now. 

So here we are, less then a week away from having our baby girl. I can't stop thinking how much I want to hold and snuggle her... I, also, can't stop thinking that there is a chance that won't happen. 

Hopefully a week from now we will be hanging out with our little boy and little girl.  One of each just like we always wanted. Our family, though, will still be far from being complete. Our family will never be complete without Kyler. 

4 Years

Kyler would be four now.  He would be more self sufficient.  He would be learning and growing.  He could be singing in Christmas pageants.  We survived another birthday.  We took him the balloons like we always do and then headed to the coast.  For his birthday we sat on the beach.  It was a beautiful day.

Being with out him doesn't hurt any less, but it is a little easier to trudge through each day.  I have learned to deal with it a little better.  I was still had tears well up today while talking to Kalen's teacher today about Kyler.

We survived another holiday season.  Well another holiday season passed us by.  We have all been sick and it was hard to get in the Christmas spirit or decorate.  We got the tree put up the weekend after thanksgiving and put lights on it but that's as far as we got.  Christmas eve I decided we needed to at least put up Kyler's ornaments, so we did.

Now we are all hoping to feel a little better and looking forward to 2016. I am hopeful 2016 will be a good year. 

Kyler died;

Kyler died.  That very easily could have been the end of so many stories.  It could have been the end of Clay and I's love story.  It could have been the end of our story of parenthood.  It could have been the end of my story.  It could have been the end of Clay's story.  It could have been the beginning and end of Kalen's story.  It could have been the end of Kyler's story, but it is not.

Earlier today I was drawn to an article about the semicolon project which has nothing to do with this and everything to do with this at the same time.  A semicolon is used when an author could've chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to.  In the context of the semicolon project the author is you and the sentence is your life.  In the context of Kyler, his story and death are the sentence.  Clay, myself and some of our loved ones, are the authors.  It could have been the end but wasn't.  We chose a semicolon; there is more to come.

Kyler died; Clay and I love each other more now.
Kyler died; Clay and I continued the journey of parenthood.
Kyler died; I did not, even though I wanted to.
Kyler died; Clay did not, even though he wanted to.
Kyler died; God graced us with Kalen.
Kyler died; Kyler lives on through our actions and memories and makes a difference in the world every day.

I was scanning through my emails a few weeks ago and I ran across one from the national office of the support group I (still) go to.  Often I just skip over these emails because they are usually for events in St Louis.  This one I decided to read, the subject was "Do you want to become a Share Companion."  I had not heard of the program before, but as soon as I read the email I knew it is something that is needed.  It is a program that pairs parents who are further down the road with newly bereaved parents, sometimes even while they are still in the hospital.  I want to do it but I admit, I have doubts that I am strong enough for it.  A few days later I went to my support group and talked with the two other people there that night about it.  In talking to them we all agreed it is a very needed program and we decided to do it.  I am still nervous about being strong enough to do it, but someone needs to.  Where would I be if the Share group leader had decided running group was too hard on her?  Unfortunately the official training is very costly and in St Louis and would be quite a burden to attend, but we have been in contact with the local Share chapter leaders and they have said we should go ahead and just do it even if we can't attend the training.  They said the best training we could get to do something like this is to live it.  I am not exactly sure how it is all going to work, but I think we will do good and give back to the community that has helped us all so much.  At the same time it gives us a chance to continue the story of Kyler, Dre and Luke.

The Fourth of July was a couple days ago.  If you were to ask me what my favorite holiday is I would tell you, with out hesitation, the 4th of July.  I am really not so sure about that anymore, though.  This year we didn't do anything.  We didn't buy any fireworks, attend any barbeque's.  Clay was in bed before it got dark, Kalen followed not to long after.  I didn't miss any of it for one second.  I spent most of the day either in tears or close to it, which doesn't happen all that often any more.  Something just hit me.  That one blissfully, happy, perfect, 4th of July 4 years ago was weighing heavy on my mind in a sort of flash back kind of way.  Kyler's only 4th of July.  He only had one and it is not fair.   I want to go back to that day.  That perfect day a mere 11 days before our world started to crumble.  I want the road to take a different turn.  I want both of my kiddo's here with me watching fire works, sharing my favorite holiday and being incredibly cute.  The 4th of July really really hurt this year.  Maybe it isn't my favorite holiday any more.  Maybe I just don't have favorite holidays any more.  I really am not a fan of any of them at this point.

Kyler, I love you and miss you.. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Hey, girl in the pictures... Take Cover!

I can get lost in pictures easily.  Tonight I happened to open the photos folder on my computer and somehow ended up in the photos from Kyler's baby shower.  I look at pictures from before we had Kyler and it doesn't feel like it's me in the pictures. That girl was a different person.  I feel like the pictures from when I was pregnant and just before are like the moments before impact pictures.  Everything was fine, as far as we knew, but the bomb had been dropped and was hurtling towards us.  I remember so much and I remember so little.  The baby shower had slipped my mind recently until I looked at the pictures tonight.  Tonight I remember it all.  Sometimes I want to scream at that girl in the pictures to take cover, but of course I can't. 

My reality is different.  I know that your whole world can change in a matter of seconds.  The worst thing possible can and does happen.  I've been called an optimist often, even since we had Kyler, even today as a matter of fact.  I'm not sure that's entirely true.  I hope for the best and want to believe only good things will happen and will try to convince you of that, but in my mind I'm thinking the worst case scenario and preparing myself for dealing with it if it happens, which also entails thinking about if it would matter if worst case happened.  In reality the worst case in most situations is not that bad.  Death is the ultimate worst case, and usually death is not a threat.  I guess that the perspective I have about what really matters does in turn make me a little of an optimist. 

I struggle with a lot of things and a lot of times I feel awful about it, but I try to remind myself to be gentle with myself still.  I'm not saying it's right, but I have a reason to be pissed when kids get knocked up accidentally and I couldn't even keep my very well planned first baby alive, or when local mom's show up on the news very early in their pregnancy with quads just assuming that their pregnancy will go fine and they will take home healthy babies. (And of course they did take home all 4 healthy babies).  I don't wish anything bad on these mom's or babies, it's mostly just jealousy that I can't control, but I can control my actions so I keep these feelings to myself as much as I can.  This is one of the reasons I still go to my support group when I can.  It gives me a place to discuss these sorts of things without feeling judged.

Mother's day came and went again.  It's still not anywhere on my list of favorite holidays, but this year want as hard.  I got to go to a brunch at daycare with Kalen the Friday before and that was awesome.  I was worried that it might be hard but it wasn't too bad, although I did cry in the car on the way back to work. I spent actual mothers day hanging out with Kalen which was all I could have (realistically) asked for.

Everything has mellowed out in our lives over the past couple months.  We both have jobs we like and it seems like we are finally on calm seas.  It feels good to be happy and not have to worry as much.  As egotistical as it sounds, I feel like we effing deserve a break. 

Not a figment of my imagination

Tomorrow will start with out you, just as it does each day. Actually, I'm never with out you, even though it seems that way.  The days just keep rolling by, moving me farther and farther from you. But am I getting farther or am I getting closer to you?  I think about you every day and sometimes you send a sign that you are always here and we will be together in time.

This weekend Kalen was playing, running outside and back in.  I had Pandora turned up on the TV and was cleaning while I watched my little busy body. Your song came on and Kalen came in and just stood there and stared at the TV for the whole song.  Thanks for reminding me that you are always here and you and Kalen have a special bond.

It still hurts like nothing I can describe. Nights are no where near as bad as they once were.  It's a different kind of pain now. Lots of times it is this ever present pain that I've just learned how to live with and function through.  It's kind of like a sore joint or toothache that you just deal with and make accommodations for so you can live with it.  Chronic pain. Every once in awhile though something happens that reminds you just how much it hurts and makes it hurt worse.

A couple days ago I got a face book notification, you have a memory from 4 years ago it said. I open it to find a bunch of Kyler's ultrasound pictures. Early ones where he was tiny and we didn't know he was a boy yet, but he was still a little person.  At that time, we had no idea of the impassable road that laid before us. Everything was perfect. The next day, another notification, another memory. A picture of Clay and I.  4 years ago. Pregnant, happy, innocent, exceedlingly clueless.  I don't recognize that person anymore.  And 4 years?  Really?? It seems like days.

I could turn off these notifications, but I don't think I will.  I'm not sure I can explain why. I guess it's because I can't ignore it, it's part of me.

I went to Lowe's today and Kalen was playing around in his race car cart as we were checking out. The checker looked up and said, "So you have two boys?"  I looked around totally confused.  "No, just the one." I replied.  Although I don't like doing it, one child is my normal polite small talk response to THE question..."How many kids do you have?"  Now it was her turn to be confused, "Oh I saw your necklace..."  Yes my necklace with the two little boys on it.  Caught in my half truth I got the opportunity to share with her that I actually did have a second boy but he passed away.

I think about Kyler every day, in fact I would say I actually think about him every hour of every day.  He's always here but I'm often surprised and comforted when someone helps bring him out of my imagination and into reality.