Not a figment of my imagination

Tomorrow will start with out you, just as it does each day. Actually, I'm never with out you, even though it seems that way.  The days just keep rolling by, moving me farther and farther from you. But am I getting farther or am I getting closer to you?  I think about you every day and sometimes you send a sign that you are always here and we will be together in time.

This weekend Kalen was playing, running outside and back in.  I had Pandora turned up on the TV and was cleaning while I watched my little busy body. Your song came on and Kalen came in and just stood there and stared at the TV for the whole song.  Thanks for reminding me that you are always here and you and Kalen have a special bond.

It still hurts like nothing I can describe. Nights are no where near as bad as they once were.  It's a different kind of pain now. Lots of times it is this ever present pain that I've just learned how to live with and function through.  It's kind of like a sore joint or toothache that you just deal with and make accommodations for so you can live with it.  Chronic pain. Every once in awhile though something happens that reminds you just how much it hurts and makes it hurt worse.

A couple days ago I got a face book notification, you have a memory from 4 years ago it said. I open it to find a bunch of Kyler's ultrasound pictures. Early ones where he was tiny and we didn't know he was a boy yet, but he was still a little person.  At that time, we had no idea of the impassable road that laid before us. Everything was perfect. The next day, another notification, another memory. A picture of Clay and I.  4 years ago. Pregnant, happy, innocent, exceedlingly clueless.  I don't recognize that person anymore.  And 4 years?  Really?? It seems like days.

I could turn off these notifications, but I don't think I will.  I'm not sure I can explain why. I guess it's because I can't ignore it, it's part of me.

I went to Lowe's today and Kalen was playing around in his race car cart as we were checking out. The checker looked up and said, "So you have two boys?"  I looked around totally confused.  "No, just the one." I replied.  Although I don't like doing it, one child is my normal polite small talk response to THE question..."How many kids do you have?"  Now it was her turn to be confused, "Oh I saw your necklace..."  Yes my necklace with the two little boys on it.  Caught in my half truth I got the opportunity to share with her that I actually did have a second boy but he passed away.

I think about Kyler every day, in fact I would say I actually think about him every hour of every day.  He's always here but I'm often surprised and comforted when someone helps bring him out of my imagination and into reality.

I'm Sorry Kyler

I'm sorry Kyler,

As you know, I started a new job recently.  Everyone keeps seeing my pictures of Kalen or they hear me talk about him and they ask if he is my only child.  I keep telling them yes.  I'm sorry.  Your picture is displayed on my new desk right beside Kalen's but everyone just assumes it is him as well.  I love you and I want to share you with them.  You are such a special part of my life that I think I am guarding your memory.  I want them to know you and my love for you, not just a tragic story.  I want them to know that although I would do anything to have you back, having you and missing you has made me a better person.  I feel like after they get to know me a little it will be a better time to tell them about you, but I'm sorry.  My heart breaks every time I don't tell someone about you.  I want to scream, NO! Kalen has a big brother! His name is Kyler and I love him every bit as much as Kalen.  With time I will feel comfortable telling them.  But until then, know that I love you ever second of ever single day, even if I don't tell people about you.

Love,
Mama

3 Years

(It looks like this didn't get published when I wrote it so it is a little out of order)

Another year has came and went.  Kyler's 3rd Birthday was a couple weeks ago.  It still hurts, my heart hurts often.  It is an indescribable pain.

For the 4th year in a row we headed to the ocean.  It was what we needed.  The day started out gloomy.  We waited to leave until it got light and went and dropped somethings off for Kyler.

Then we drove, and drove, and drove.  The farther we drove the more the weight lifted and our mood improved.  By the time we got to the coast we were all so happy to be there.  Our room was wonderful, the weather was wonderful.  Since this is the 4th year we have gone, I would have to say it is one of our Kyler traditions.

Happy Birthday Kyler!  I love you and still miss you EVERY SINGLE DAY!

December Over The Years

Four years ago, December 2010, I sat here looking at our Christmas tree full of hope and excitement.  2011 was going to be our year.  It was suppose to be our last Christmas with just the two of us.  We had one last grand hurrah kid free trip planned to Disney World just after the first of the year.  Everything was falling into place.  Everything was going to be perfect.  We were so happy.

We went to Disney World and it was the greatest trip I had ever taken.  One of those trips that you remember forever, that you never want to end.  I thought it was a great omen for what was to come.  That was the last time I was 100% happy.  I bought a beautiful Christmas Ornament on that trip to commemorate it and the awesomeness that was going to be 2011.  That was the last time big memory I have of my heart not being shattered.

Three years ago, December 2011, I sat on a beach in the sun watching the waves roll in on a beautiful Hawaiian Island praying that the warmth and sun would heal my shattered heart.  It was a beautiful wonderful trip, but healing is not exactly the word for it.  It did give us hope.  Hope that we could continue to live a fairly good life, even with shattered hearts.

Two years ago, December 2012, I laid on the couch with my husband and dog in the perfect snow covered mountain cabin trying not to puke my guts out.  Being together, being strong, but still shattered.  More hope.  Kalen was making his presence known with every wave of nausea.

One year ago, December 2013, two years "late" we celebrated our first Christmas with child on earth.  He was still pretty small, not quite 6 months, but it was fun.  We wanted to "do" Christmas for him, but still it was hard.

This year I sit here with my second child sleeping at my feet, looking at our Christmas tree.  My heart is still shattered, but I am learning to live with it.  That Christmas ornament we bought in Disney World is front and center on the tree, still so beautiful.  Instead of commemorating the awesome year 2011 was suposed to be, I feel like it is a link to my innocent soul, to that last time I was truly carefree and happy, a link to the old Felicia.  Over the past few years the ornaments we decorate the tree with has changed.  There are so many opportunities to make ornaments for Kyler that the DisneyWorld one is one of the very few ornaments that are not Kyler ornaments.

I want to be hopeful about 2015 but at the same time, I don't want to expect very much.  Last time I was really hopeful that I would have a great year it ended so awfully.  By 2015 we were supposed to be all established.  We planned to have two kids running around by now, be stable in our home and our jobs.  That's not how things worked out.  We have to readjust our expectations for our lives.  Sometimes I still can't believe that I am living and moving forward with a shattered heart that is never going to heal.

Time Moves On

I read this comment on a stupid message board for mom's that I eat sometimes.  It was about someone losing a baby "late" in the pregnancy. One lady said "a late loss would crush me".  Another said "I know, I'd end up in a psych ward".  Yeah..... losing a baby is crushing.  Some days I think I'll end up in a psych ward.  Lots of days I think it would just be easier.  But, instead we just keep going, one second at a time, one minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month at a time. Before you know it, you are coming up on 3 years. Wow. 

I still think of Kyler practically every minute of every day, but at the same time I think of him less.  It hurts that I think of him less.  At one point last week I caught myself thinking, did that all really happen?  Did he really exist, was it a bad dream?  I want to move farther from the horribleness but I don't want to move farther from him.  I want to hold him again. I didn't get nearly enough time to hold him, look at him, smell him, remember him. To that nurse out there who very strongly encouraged me to look at him and hold him, Thank You.  You were right, I would have regretted not holding him for the rest of my life.  I do regret not holding him longer. 

Someday I'll hold him again. I wonder what age he will be in heaven. Will he be a newborn, small child, adult?  I hope some unknown combination where I still get to snuggle him, love him, teach him but where he is old enough that he is spending the time waiting for me playing and interacting with others rather then just being a newborn.

I don't have any deep thoughts or anything to close this with so I'm off to bed. Maybe Kyler will visit in my dreams tonight. If not, I'll settle for Kalen waking up and wanting a snuggle.  He seems to know when I need a little extra snuggle time.

Thanks Kyler

Every single day I hold Kalen for longer then I was cumulatively able to hold Kyler.  I hate to put him down, especially when he's sleeping.  People ask if Kalen falls asleep on his own.  I don't know because neither Clay or I give him the chance to try.  We love holding him as he falls asleep.  Even once he is asleep it is hard to put him down, but I know I get to hold him again the next day.  Some day he is going to be too big to hold while he falls asleep, but hopefully not for a long time.  I thank Kyler for making me aware of how precious time with Kalen is.  I cherish every moment with him, even those tough "why won't he stop crying" moments, but especially those cuddly sleepy baby moments.

New Beginnings - Coming Soon

Over the last few months I have posted that I was considering a employment change.  I never forget Kyler, but working there is a daily reminder of lots of specific tragic moments.  I also have not been happy with the turmoil over the last few months or the possibility of returning to the same position I was in 4 years ago.  After Clay got his new job the plan was to pay down bills and move on, but it didn't seem like I was really moving in that direction.  Continuing to stay there was just easier, comfortable.

Last Thursday the decision was made for me.  My position is being moved off-shore and my last day is January 9th.  I am so happy and excited.  We have enough warning to actually pay the bills down.  We will be in a good place in January.  I have plenty of time to decide what I want to do.  If I don't end up finding a job that starts immediately after this job ends I will be able to spend some one on one time with Kalen, and return to the volunteer job I had prior to getting pregnant with Kalen.  I feel free.  I feel like this is part of the grand plan.  It will be an exciting twist to the story of our lives, just like Clay's lay off a few years ago.

I do, however, feel awful for all my co-workers who are also being laid off.  Most of them are in a much different place in their lives and this is quite a blow to them.  I hope that it will turn out to be a blessing in disguise for them as well.  I really hope that everyone lands on their feet.  I think they will.  The job market here is so much better then it was even a year ago.  

In a couple of weeks I start my Medical Terminology class.  I will have that under my belt by the time I really start looking for jobs.  I have seen a lot of jobs recently that I thought I would enjoy and was qualified for except that I didn't have Medical Terminology.  Or maybe I will decide to really pursue going back to school at that time.  We'll see.

It is just an exciting adventure to know things are changing and have no idea what is ahead in the next couple years.  With Clay's new job we are secure, there is no fear.  I am lucky beyond words.