3 Years

(It looks like this didn't get published when I wrote it so it is a little out of order)

Another year has came and went.  Kyler's 3rd Birthday was a couple weeks ago.  It still hurts, my heart hurts often.  It is an indescribable pain.

For the 4th year in a row we headed to the ocean.  It was what we needed.  The day started out gloomy.  We waited to leave until it got light and went and dropped somethings off for Kyler.

Then we drove, and drove, and drove.  The farther we drove the more the weight lifted and our mood improved.  By the time we got to the coast we were all so happy to be there.  Our room was wonderful, the weather was wonderful.  Since this is the 4th year we have gone, I would have to say it is one of our Kyler traditions.

Happy Birthday Kyler!  I love you and still miss you EVERY SINGLE DAY!

December Over The Years

Four years ago, December 2010, I sat here looking at our Christmas tree full of hope and excitement.  2011 was going to be our year.  It was suppose to be our last Christmas with just the two of us.  We had one last grand hurrah kid free trip planned to Disney World just after the first of the year.  Everything was falling into place.  Everything was going to be perfect.  We were so happy.

We went to Disney World and it was the greatest trip I had ever taken.  One of those trips that you remember forever, that you never want to end.  I thought it was a great omen for what was to come.  That was the last time I was 100% happy.  I bought a beautiful Christmas Ornament on that trip to commemorate it and the awesomeness that was going to be 2011.  That was the last time big memory I have of my heart not being shattered.

Three years ago, December 2011, I sat on a beach in the sun watching the waves roll in on a beautiful Hawaiian Island praying that the warmth and sun would heal my shattered heart.  It was a beautiful wonderful trip, but healing is not exactly the word for it.  It did give us hope.  Hope that we could continue to live a fairly good life, even with shattered hearts.

Two years ago, December 2012, I laid on the couch with my husband and dog in the perfect snow covered mountain cabin trying not to puke my guts out.  Being together, being strong, but still shattered.  More hope.  Kalen was making his presence known with every wave of nausea.

One year ago, December 2013, two years "late" we celebrated our first Christmas with child on earth.  He was still pretty small, not quite 6 months, but it was fun.  We wanted to "do" Christmas for him, but still it was hard.

This year I sit here with my second child sleeping at my feet, looking at our Christmas tree.  My heart is still shattered, but I am learning to live with it.  That Christmas ornament we bought in Disney World is front and center on the tree, still so beautiful.  Instead of commemorating the awesome year 2011 was suposed to be, I feel like it is a link to my innocent soul, to that last time I was truly carefree and happy, a link to the old Felicia.  Over the past few years the ornaments we decorate the tree with has changed.  There are so many opportunities to make ornaments for Kyler that the DisneyWorld one is one of the very few ornaments that are not Kyler ornaments.

I want to be hopeful about 2015 but at the same time, I don't want to expect very much.  Last time I was really hopeful that I would have a great year it ended so awfully.  By 2015 we were supposed to be all established.  We planned to have two kids running around by now, be stable in our home and our jobs.  That's not how things worked out.  We have to readjust our expectations for our lives.  Sometimes I still can't believe that I am living and moving forward with a shattered heart that is never going to heal.

Time Moves On

I read this comment on a stupid message board for mom's that I eat sometimes.  It was about someone losing a baby "late" in the pregnancy. One lady said "a late loss would crush me".  Another said "I know, I'd end up in a psych ward".  Yeah..... losing a baby is crushing.  Some days I think I'll end up in a psych ward.  Lots of days I think it would just be easier.  But, instead we just keep going, one second at a time, one minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month at a time. Before you know it, you are coming up on 3 years. Wow. 

I still think of Kyler practically every minute of every day, but at the same time I think of him less.  It hurts that I think of him less.  At one point last week I caught myself thinking, did that all really happen?  Did he really exist, was it a bad dream?  I want to move farther from the horribleness but I don't want to move farther from him.  I want to hold him again. I didn't get nearly enough time to hold him, look at him, smell him, remember him. To that nurse out there who very strongly encouraged me to look at him and hold him, Thank You.  You were right, I would have regretted not holding him for the rest of my life.  I do regret not holding him longer. 

Someday I'll hold him again. I wonder what age he will be in heaven. Will he be a newborn, small child, adult?  I hope some unknown combination where I still get to snuggle him, love him, teach him but where he is old enough that he is spending the time waiting for me playing and interacting with others rather then just being a newborn.

I don't have any deep thoughts or anything to close this with so I'm off to bed. Maybe Kyler will visit in my dreams tonight. If not, I'll settle for Kalen waking up and wanting a snuggle.  He seems to know when I need a little extra snuggle time.

Thanks Kyler

Every single day I hold Kalen for longer then I was cumulatively able to hold Kyler.  I hate to put him down, especially when he's sleeping.  People ask if Kalen falls asleep on his own.  I don't know because neither Clay or I give him the chance to try.  We love holding him as he falls asleep.  Even once he is asleep it is hard to put him down, but I know I get to hold him again the next day.  Some day he is going to be too big to hold while he falls asleep, but hopefully not for a long time.  I thank Kyler for making me aware of how precious time with Kalen is.  I cherish every moment with him, even those tough "why won't he stop crying" moments, but especially those cuddly sleepy baby moments.

New Beginnings - Coming Soon

Over the last few months I have posted that I was considering a employment change.  I never forget Kyler, but working there is a daily reminder of lots of specific tragic moments.  I also have not been happy with the turmoil over the last few months or the possibility of returning to the same position I was in 4 years ago.  After Clay got his new job the plan was to pay down bills and move on, but it didn't seem like I was really moving in that direction.  Continuing to stay there was just easier, comfortable.

Last Thursday the decision was made for me.  My position is being moved off-shore and my last day is January 9th.  I am so happy and excited.  We have enough warning to actually pay the bills down.  We will be in a good place in January.  I have plenty of time to decide what I want to do.  If I don't end up finding a job that starts immediately after this job ends I will be able to spend some one on one time with Kalen, and return to the volunteer job I had prior to getting pregnant with Kalen.  I feel free.  I feel like this is part of the grand plan.  It will be an exciting twist to the story of our lives, just like Clay's lay off a few years ago.

I do, however, feel awful for all my co-workers who are also being laid off.  Most of them are in a much different place in their lives and this is quite a blow to them.  I hope that it will turn out to be a blessing in disguise for them as well.  I really hope that everyone lands on their feet.  I think they will.  The job market here is so much better then it was even a year ago.  

In a couple of weeks I start my Medical Terminology class.  I will have that under my belt by the time I really start looking for jobs.  I have seen a lot of jobs recently that I thought I would enjoy and was qualified for except that I didn't have Medical Terminology.  Or maybe I will decide to really pursue going back to school at that time.  We'll see.

It is just an exciting adventure to know things are changing and have no idea what is ahead in the next couple years.  With Clay's new job we are secure, there is no fear.  I am lucky beyond words.

Reminder's of the past. Plans for the future.

July 15 came and went this year with out me noticing. I guess that is good. We'll not totally unoticed, I thought about it a little bit in the days before.  My boss gave me a project to do a few days before that I had to search through my computer for some files for. I was looking for a file and bam, there were a couple files that were last modified in the week before July 15 2011. I knew they were there.  I've ran across them a couple times before.  Seeing things like that just throws me off. It's kind of hard to explain. I told my boss about it. She understood. She told me to just go delete them all or re save them to change the last modified date. I probably should, but I didn't.  Changing the date on them would make it so I didn't run across them again,  but it also seems like it would be an attempt to alter the past.  Luckily I didn't do much that two weeks before I actually had Kyler so I don't have to worry about running across files from then. I did/do have a notebook that I daydreamed and doodled his name in and wrote down the info on the nursing room in.  It was waiting on my desk when I returned from leave after I had him. That was hard to deal with. I am not sure what happened to that. I can't imagine I threw it away. It is probably buried in my desk drawer. I should check and maybe put it in with our other Kyler stuff if it is still around.

Speaking of that kind of stuff that is a reminder of that time , the water bottle that I filled up as we headed to the hospital to have Kyler checked that stayed on the floor of my car before I had the strength to move it to the garage floor.... is still on the garage floor, tucked away behind the lawn mower. I see it whenever I mow the lawn. It is still more then half full with the water I got on that day. I suspect it will stay there as long as we are in this house.

We had family pictures taken this weekend. The photographer we use knows about Kyler and is supportive of us incorporating things of his into our shoots. Clay and I wore our mom/dad of an Angel shirts for a few shots and had some taken of Kalen with Kyler's blanket. 

We had Kalen's hair cut for the pictures. I think Kalen's hair is not as red as Kyler's was. I will have to compare the locks of hair that we have from both of them sometime.

I am still planning on going back to school, but I still do t know what exactly I want to do. I am thinking lots of things. Nurseing, radiology, medical laboratory scientist. I just don't know what would be the most fulfilling and enjoyable for me. Luckily all of those have similar preliminary classes, so I will do that first. I wonder if I could set up some sort of job shadow, or meeting with folks in those professions.  I wonder if the university's health sciences department could help me. I guess I have a lot of time to look into it anyway at one or two classes a semester.

Three Years Ago Everything was Perfect

Three years ago everything was perfect.  I was 20 weeks pregnant with Kyler.  It was his first 4th of July.  We went out and watched the fireworks with my brothers family.  Kyler was moving.  I remember thinking it was his first 4th of July (my favorite holiday) of many.  I was just happy.  We didn't know he was a boy yet, that appointment was 11 days later.  Today we went and visited Kyler.  It is Kalen's second 4th of July.  Kyler only got one, Kalen is on his second.

Kalen's birthday was this week.  It was perfect.  He got a million toys and loved them all.  He is such a wonderful loving, happy little boy.  He is our happiness.  I let him fall asleep in my arms every night, I know I am creating bad habits but I don't care.  Sometimes it breaks my heart to have to put him in his crib when he falls asleep.  I just want to hold him forever.

July 15th marks 3 years since our innocence was taken away.  July 15th, the first time I was told there was a good chance my baby wouldn't live.  Sometimes I wish I could go back and just pause time on July 14, 2011 and live in that happy ignorant time forever.

I am thinking about going back to school.  When I was younger I wanted to be a nurse.  Well actually for quite a while I wanted to be a doctor (at St Jude specifically), but I decided I didn't want to do that much school.  If I had been allowed to graduate high school a year early (I had all my credits), I probably would be a nurse.  Somewhere between the end of my Junior year and when I enrolled in college classes a year later, I changed my mind.  Now I am thinking that changing my mind and my major back then was just a detour and that I am just about ready to get back on the main road I was supposed to be on.  I am not totally sure that nursing is exactly what I want to do but I think I want to do some sort of heath profession.  I want to make a difference in someone's life.  I am going to feel it out this fall and take a medical terminology class and see how it goes.  When I filled out my college application this week I put myself down as a associates in biology, health care emphasis major.  There are a bunch of programs in this area I could go into.  Today I am thinking radiology or health care laboratory, instead of nursing, but we'll see what I think after taking a class.