Early November of 2011 we were ready to bring home a baby. We had pretty much everything we needed, clothes, diapers, wipes, pacifiers, a diaper bag, breast pump. Then Kyler died. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of much of his stuff. We donated the formula samples, gave away the carseat because they were expiring and got rid of the crib because it was recalled. Everything else we kept. I was/am attached to pretty much anything. Taking things back to the store was out of the question, it would have destroyed my already severely damaged heart, so would have selling his stuff. Donating would have hurt less, but only slightly. So we kept it.
Pretty much everything sat in his room just waiting. A few other things were scattered around the house, diapers and wipes stayed on my nightstand, bottles stayed in the cupboard, hand sanitizer on the bar in the kitchen.
When we started trying to get pregnant again, we discussed it and decided we'd use everything of Kyler's that we could for the next baby. Kyler would have wanted to share. Not to mention, financially it made sense and it was nice to have all these things fulfill their purpose. It was the rational decision, but I'm beginning to doubt that decision a little bit now.
This week I pulled out One of Kyler's blankets. The one that was the first thing I bought for him, after finding out he was a he (online after getting out of the hospital the first time). We started using it with Kalen for tummy time. Sometimes it hurts to see Kalen on it. It wasn't supposed to be him using it, it was supposed to be Kyler. All the imagining I did when I bought it, received it, washed it, ect was of Kyler.... Not Kalen. It's the same way with clothes. I was going through clothes today and I found a bunch of little jackets. I remember daydreaming about what Kyler would be like wearing them, dropping g Kyler off at daycare in them.
I pulled out a onsie for Kalen to wear today. It says "I love Mommy" on it. I don't remember buying thus particular one, but I know it was Kyler's. A lot of times today it made me sad to look at it. Silly as it sounds, Kyler was supposed to be the one professing his love for me through a stupid saying on a onsie and he never got the chance.
I've had a bit if a rough start with Kalen, but I am glad he's here and I love him. I never thought that having him would "fix" us loosing Kyler. In someways it has made it a little better and in some ways a little worse. I look at Kalen and think, this is what I was supposed to be doing with your brother a year and a half ago, how did we miss this.
Some days I think about it and it just doesn't seem real. I carried a baby to full term and had him taken from me. It really did happen to me.
I go back to work next Wednesday. It is going to be a very hard emotional day for me. Not really because I have to leave Kalen, although that will be a small bit of it, but because it will be the day I missed out on a year and a half ago. Everyone will be asking about Kalen, congratulating me ect. Last time everyone avoided me, pretended Kyler didn't exist and nothing had happened, while I put on a brave face, hid my crushed heart and spirit and I too pretty much pretended nothing had happened.
