3 Years

(It looks like this didn't get published when I wrote it so it is a little out of order)

Another year has came and went.  Kyler's 3rd Birthday was a couple weeks ago.  It still hurts, my heart hurts often.  It is an indescribable pain.

For the 4th year in a row we headed to the ocean.  It was what we needed.  The day started out gloomy.  We waited to leave until it got light and went and dropped somethings off for Kyler.

Then we drove, and drove, and drove.  The farther we drove the more the weight lifted and our mood improved.  By the time we got to the coast we were all so happy to be there.  Our room was wonderful, the weather was wonderful.  Since this is the 4th year we have gone, I would have to say it is one of our Kyler traditions.

Happy Birthday Kyler!  I love you and still miss you EVERY SINGLE DAY!

December Over The Years

Four years ago, December 2010, I sat here looking at our Christmas tree full of hope and excitement.  2011 was going to be our year.  It was suppose to be our last Christmas with just the two of us.  We had one last grand hurrah kid free trip planned to Disney World just after the first of the year.  Everything was falling into place.  Everything was going to be perfect.  We were so happy.

We went to Disney World and it was the greatest trip I had ever taken.  One of those trips that you remember forever, that you never want to end.  I thought it was a great omen for what was to come.  That was the last time I was 100% happy.  I bought a beautiful Christmas Ornament on that trip to commemorate it and the awesomeness that was going to be 2011.  That was the last time big memory I have of my heart not being shattered.

Three years ago, December 2011, I sat on a beach in the sun watching the waves roll in on a beautiful Hawaiian Island praying that the warmth and sun would heal my shattered heart.  It was a beautiful wonderful trip, but healing is not exactly the word for it.  It did give us hope.  Hope that we could continue to live a fairly good life, even with shattered hearts.

Two years ago, December 2012, I laid on the couch with my husband and dog in the perfect snow covered mountain cabin trying not to puke my guts out.  Being together, being strong, but still shattered.  More hope.  Kalen was making his presence known with every wave of nausea.

One year ago, December 2013, two years "late" we celebrated our first Christmas with child on earth.  He was still pretty small, not quite 6 months, but it was fun.  We wanted to "do" Christmas for him, but still it was hard.

This year I sit here with my second child sleeping at my feet, looking at our Christmas tree.  My heart is still shattered, but I am learning to live with it.  That Christmas ornament we bought in Disney World is front and center on the tree, still so beautiful.  Instead of commemorating the awesome year 2011 was suposed to be, I feel like it is a link to my innocent soul, to that last time I was truly carefree and happy, a link to the old Felicia.  Over the past few years the ornaments we decorate the tree with has changed.  There are so many opportunities to make ornaments for Kyler that the DisneyWorld one is one of the very few ornaments that are not Kyler ornaments.

I want to be hopeful about 2015 but at the same time, I don't want to expect very much.  Last time I was really hopeful that I would have a great year it ended so awfully.  By 2015 we were supposed to be all established.  We planned to have two kids running around by now, be stable in our home and our jobs.  That's not how things worked out.  We have to readjust our expectations for our lives.  Sometimes I still can't believe that I am living and moving forward with a shattered heart that is never going to heal.

Time Moves On

I read this comment on a stupid message board for mom's that I eat sometimes.  It was about someone losing a baby "late" in the pregnancy. One lady said "a late loss would crush me".  Another said "I know, I'd end up in a psych ward".  Yeah..... losing a baby is crushing.  Some days I think I'll end up in a psych ward.  Lots of days I think it would just be easier.  But, instead we just keep going, one second at a time, one minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month at a time. Before you know it, you are coming up on 3 years. Wow. 

I still think of Kyler practically every minute of every day, but at the same time I think of him less.  It hurts that I think of him less.  At one point last week I caught myself thinking, did that all really happen?  Did he really exist, was it a bad dream?  I want to move farther from the horribleness but I don't want to move farther from him.  I want to hold him again. I didn't get nearly enough time to hold him, look at him, smell him, remember him. To that nurse out there who very strongly encouraged me to look at him and hold him, Thank You.  You were right, I would have regretted not holding him for the rest of my life.  I do regret not holding him longer. 

Someday I'll hold him again. I wonder what age he will be in heaven. Will he be a newborn, small child, adult?  I hope some unknown combination where I still get to snuggle him, love him, teach him but where he is old enough that he is spending the time waiting for me playing and interacting with others rather then just being a newborn.

I don't have any deep thoughts or anything to close this with so I'm off to bed. Maybe Kyler will visit in my dreams tonight. If not, I'll settle for Kalen waking up and wanting a snuggle.  He seems to know when I need a little extra snuggle time.

Thanks Kyler

Every single day I hold Kalen for longer then I was cumulatively able to hold Kyler.  I hate to put him down, especially when he's sleeping.  People ask if Kalen falls asleep on his own.  I don't know because neither Clay or I give him the chance to try.  We love holding him as he falls asleep.  Even once he is asleep it is hard to put him down, but I know I get to hold him again the next day.  Some day he is going to be too big to hold while he falls asleep, but hopefully not for a long time.  I thank Kyler for making me aware of how precious time with Kalen is.  I cherish every moment with him, even those tough "why won't he stop crying" moments, but especially those cuddly sleepy baby moments.

New Beginnings - Coming Soon

Over the last few months I have posted that I was considering a employment change.  I never forget Kyler, but working there is a daily reminder of lots of specific tragic moments.  I also have not been happy with the turmoil over the last few months or the possibility of returning to the same position I was in 4 years ago.  After Clay got his new job the plan was to pay down bills and move on, but it didn't seem like I was really moving in that direction.  Continuing to stay there was just easier, comfortable.

Last Thursday the decision was made for me.  My position is being moved off-shore and my last day is January 9th.  I am so happy and excited.  We have enough warning to actually pay the bills down.  We will be in a good place in January.  I have plenty of time to decide what I want to do.  If I don't end up finding a job that starts immediately after this job ends I will be able to spend some one on one time with Kalen, and return to the volunteer job I had prior to getting pregnant with Kalen.  I feel free.  I feel like this is part of the grand plan.  It will be an exciting twist to the story of our lives, just like Clay's lay off a few years ago.

I do, however, feel awful for all my co-workers who are also being laid off.  Most of them are in a much different place in their lives and this is quite a blow to them.  I hope that it will turn out to be a blessing in disguise for them as well.  I really hope that everyone lands on their feet.  I think they will.  The job market here is so much better then it was even a year ago.  

In a couple of weeks I start my Medical Terminology class.  I will have that under my belt by the time I really start looking for jobs.  I have seen a lot of jobs recently that I thought I would enjoy and was qualified for except that I didn't have Medical Terminology.  Or maybe I will decide to really pursue going back to school at that time.  We'll see.

It is just an exciting adventure to know things are changing and have no idea what is ahead in the next couple years.  With Clay's new job we are secure, there is no fear.  I am lucky beyond words.

Reminder's of the past. Plans for the future.

July 15 came and went this year with out me noticing. I guess that is good. We'll not totally unoticed, I thought about it a little bit in the days before.  My boss gave me a project to do a few days before that I had to search through my computer for some files for. I was looking for a file and bam, there were a couple files that were last modified in the week before July 15 2011. I knew they were there.  I've ran across them a couple times before.  Seeing things like that just throws me off. It's kind of hard to explain. I told my boss about it. She understood. She told me to just go delete them all or re save them to change the last modified date. I probably should, but I didn't.  Changing the date on them would make it so I didn't run across them again,  but it also seems like it would be an attempt to alter the past.  Luckily I didn't do much that two weeks before I actually had Kyler so I don't have to worry about running across files from then. I did/do have a notebook that I daydreamed and doodled his name in and wrote down the info on the nursing room in.  It was waiting on my desk when I returned from leave after I had him. That was hard to deal with. I am not sure what happened to that. I can't imagine I threw it away. It is probably buried in my desk drawer. I should check and maybe put it in with our other Kyler stuff if it is still around.

Speaking of that kind of stuff that is a reminder of that time , the water bottle that I filled up as we headed to the hospital to have Kyler checked that stayed on the floor of my car before I had the strength to move it to the garage floor.... is still on the garage floor, tucked away behind the lawn mower. I see it whenever I mow the lawn. It is still more then half full with the water I got on that day. I suspect it will stay there as long as we are in this house.

We had family pictures taken this weekend. The photographer we use knows about Kyler and is supportive of us incorporating things of his into our shoots. Clay and I wore our mom/dad of an Angel shirts for a few shots and had some taken of Kalen with Kyler's blanket. 

We had Kalen's hair cut for the pictures. I think Kalen's hair is not as red as Kyler's was. I will have to compare the locks of hair that we have from both of them sometime.

I am still planning on going back to school, but I still do t know what exactly I want to do. I am thinking lots of things. Nurseing, radiology, medical laboratory scientist. I just don't know what would be the most fulfilling and enjoyable for me. Luckily all of those have similar preliminary classes, so I will do that first. I wonder if I could set up some sort of job shadow, or meeting with folks in those professions.  I wonder if the university's health sciences department could help me. I guess I have a lot of time to look into it anyway at one or two classes a semester.

Three Years Ago Everything was Perfect

Three years ago everything was perfect.  I was 20 weeks pregnant with Kyler.  It was his first 4th of July.  We went out and watched the fireworks with my brothers family.  Kyler was moving.  I remember thinking it was his first 4th of July (my favorite holiday) of many.  I was just happy.  We didn't know he was a boy yet, that appointment was 11 days later.  Today we went and visited Kyler.  It is Kalen's second 4th of July.  Kyler only got one, Kalen is on his second.

Kalen's birthday was this week.  It was perfect.  He got a million toys and loved them all.  He is such a wonderful loving, happy little boy.  He is our happiness.  I let him fall asleep in my arms every night, I know I am creating bad habits but I don't care.  Sometimes it breaks my heart to have to put him in his crib when he falls asleep.  I just want to hold him forever.

July 15th marks 3 years since our innocence was taken away.  July 15th, the first time I was told there was a good chance my baby wouldn't live.  Sometimes I wish I could go back and just pause time on July 14, 2011 and live in that happy ignorant time forever.

I am thinking about going back to school.  When I was younger I wanted to be a nurse.  Well actually for quite a while I wanted to be a doctor (at St Jude specifically), but I decided I didn't want to do that much school.  If I had been allowed to graduate high school a year early (I had all my credits), I probably would be a nurse.  Somewhere between the end of my Junior year and when I enrolled in college classes a year later, I changed my mind.  Now I am thinking that changing my mind and my major back then was just a detour and that I am just about ready to get back on the main road I was supposed to be on.  I am not totally sure that nursing is exactly what I want to do but I think I want to do some sort of heath profession.  I want to make a difference in someone's life.  I am going to feel it out this fall and take a medical terminology class and see how it goes.  When I filled out my college application this week I put myself down as a associates in biology, health care emphasis major.  There are a bunch of programs in this area I could go into.  Today I am thinking radiology or health care laboratory, instead of nursing, but we'll see what I think after taking a class.

Mother's Day.. Again.

Last year I wrote about how much I hated Mother's Day. This year I sit here here holding my sleeping Kalen, incredibly lucky to have him, still hating Mother's Day.  It's maybe a little easier this year, but not much.  Kyler would have been 2.5 years old.  I would have gone to the Mother's day tea at daycare. He would have come running up to me with a carnation, so proud. Just like all those little boys in the pictures the daycare posted.

Today, I think I'm going to play outside like I have in the past. And I'll give Kalen lots of hugs, kisses and snuggles. A little later we will take somethings out to Kyler.

My heart hurts today. Mother's day is just a reminder of how broken my heart still is.

An Answered Prayer

Early early last Monday morning I had just gotten done in the gym and was getting ready for the day.  My strength is gone, the last two and a half years have taken there toll on me.  I look in the mirror, the person looking back at me has just about lost all hope.  Something has to change and it has to change today for her to continue to survive.

Clay has had a few job interviews, even one that he didn't apply for, but no call backs.  He should have heard back already.  I've been told I being put back in the position I was in 3 years ago, the last 2 years of work were for nothing.  The bills are mounting.  We've been barely hanging on financially, I know the hospital bill from the week Kalen was sick is coming soon, I've seen the pre-insurance amount, $7000.  We are just sinking deeper into a hole and I am starting to think won't be able to get out.

Earlier that morning while I was in the gym I was reading a (non-fiction) book where the main character has lost almost all hope and he breaks down and asks God for help.  I don't pray often, my problems are pretty small in the scheme of things.  But this day I needed help, a lot of help that I wasn't sure I could get elsewhere.  Standing there in the locker room I cried and I prayed, "Please help me, help things start turning around for us.  I need help and I really need it today.  I at least need a sign that things are going to turn around."

I pulled myself together and went up to work, forgetting about the prayer.  I had a meeting that went exceptionally badly.  By the time I went to lunch I was even more done then I was earlier that morning.  While I was on my lunch I started texting my husband about how frustrated I was.  I received a message back from him  It says, "I'm sorry, but the good news is I got a job and I start on the 5th."  Instantly most of the weight of the last two years fell off my shoulders.

I am no longer stuck.  We can pay off our bills.  We won't incur any more significant medical bills, because he will get awesome insurance (even if we have to change doctors).  It will take a few months to get our bills paid off, but then I won't have to work.  I will likely work somewhere part time, maybe even where I am at if I am able, but I don't have to.  I can be a better mom to Kalen.  I can spend more time with him.  I can be happier.

In an instant my prayer was answered, I am excited for the future again.  Things are back on track.  It is even better then I was praying for.

  

Stagnant

I can't believe that it has been over a month since I was in full meltdown mode.  The medication change has helped me a little bit.  I'm still not well.  Lately it has felt like I've been taking one step forward and one step back, not gaining any ground.

There has been a lot of unrest and drama at work.  One day I think I'll ride it out and see where it goes, the next I'll be dead set on leaving.  Somedays, like today, I'll be ready to walk out in the morning and okay with everything by the end of the day.  I might be going back to doing what I was when I had Kyler and in the months directly after, or I might even be sent back to do what I did years ago, long before Kyler.  I don't think that will be good for me, but I don't have much choice in the matter.  I'm still angry.  Angry at little things, angry at bigger things.  Today I was irate because someone left a computer on my desk with out any explanation and in a messy pile.  I probably should go do a medication follow up to see if we can adjust it so I don't swing up and down quite as much.  I am not sure I am ready to admit that I need more help.

My husband has had a couple job interviews that have went well and I've let myself start to believe that there is hope of him getting a steady job, then he doesn't hear back from the company.  It is very discouraging.  I am sure it is even more discouraging to him.

Kalen got really sick a couple of weeks ago.  We had to take him into the Dr and ER multiple times.  They finally admitted him after the 2nd ER visit.  He was dehydrated and his oxygen was low.  I knew that he needed it, in fact I had wanted them to admit him the first time we went to the ER, but it was hard when they were taking him up to his room.  I have already left that hospital with out one of my children.  He did, of course, get better and is doing great now which I am thankful for, but I can't believe that on top of everything else we now have 2 ER bills and 2 nights in the hospital we have to figure out how to pay for even though we have nothing extra.  It seems like we just can't catch a break.

I know that it could be worse, it could be much worse.  I feel bad for having a pity party when we do have a lot to be thankful for, but with everything that has happened over the last 3 years I really need the load to start lightning and it doesn't seem to be headed in that direction.  I am not sure I can keep all the balls in the air for much longer.
   
The weather is helping me a little.  I am planning on having a large garden this year along with lots of flowers.  I am hoping that the weather is good this weekend so I can spend a few hours in the yard.  Physical labor in the sun that I have something to show for when I am done is really helpful for me.  I offered to mow one of my friends yards this summer too.    

We stopped by Kyler's grave this weekend.  The weekend before we had gone and left him some tulips from my yard.  This weekend they were still just as beautiful as when we left them.  It feels like a sign that they lasted so long.  I am not sure what sort of sign though, maybe just a sign that he liked them.  This weekend when I looked at his headstone and for some reason the date hit me.  November 6 2011, the worst day of my life is forever etched on his headstone.  I can't explain the feeling that I had when I looked at that date, it was kind of like I got run over by a truck.

Since we've lost Kyler it has bothered me that I don't feel like I do anything important, so I try to find little things that I can do that make some sort of difference.  Yesterday I went and donated blood.  It is pretty nice to be able to just pop in and save a couple lives when you are having a bad day.

The Truth

The Lie:

I'm doing good.  I am alright.  Nothing is wrong.

The truth:

I am not doing okay.  It has been a very long time since I have been doing okay.  Getting pregnant with Kalen just paused my grief process, it kicked back into gear as soon as I had Kalen.  I relive the worst days of my life, over and over.  Usually multiple times a day.  I sleep and have nightmares in which someone close to me dies or I lose them in another way.  I worry about pretty much everything.  I have panic, I have anxiety, I have trouble interacting with other people.  I am almost as bad off as I was the spring of 2012.  

I knew this was coming.  I tried to ask for help as soon as I had Kalen.  I cried in the Dr's office.  I cried at the lactation consultant's office and begged for her to put me in touch with the hospital's social worker so I could get counseling referral to someone help me best with my specific situation.  The doctor upped my medication, the lactation consultant mailed me a photographed copy of a directory of general counselors and sent me on my way.  I was so frustrated.  I spent hours on the internet trying to find a counselor that would meet my needs.  But then I gave into being a busy working mom with a young baby and I continued on pretending that it was all okay.  I tried to convince myself it was okay, but I think I knew it really wasn't.

I started thinking about Kyler a lot more.  Specifically I started thinking about those awful moments.  The doctor's appointment on July 15 where they said there was a problem, the first surgery, the couple of weeks I went back to work and everything was going to be "fine", the last time I felt him move, the drive to the hospital, triage, labor and delivery, the operating room, holding him, saying good bye, coming home with out him, going back to work with out him.  This lead to me starting to not function as well.  I'd do stupid things like forgetting to clock in or out at work.  Last month it really started getting to me.  I started having meltdowns.  I started crying again.  I started crying at my desk, hiding in the bathroom crying.  Days would start okay and but then I'd run into one of my triggers and my mood would darken.  Some minor little bump in the road during the day would set me off.  I made another appointment with my counselor and tried to be honest.  She encouraged me to go back to my doctor.  I went back to the doctor and he changed up my medication.  The new medication is supposed to help "decrease unwanted thoughts about the traumatic event."  We'll see.

The other day I was in the quiet still of the gym after my workout and I was having a hard time getting the tortuous memories of losing Kyler out of my head.  Like I said, I relive these moments on a daily basis, but often I have more trouble at work then at home.  Maybe work is part of the problem, or more specifically continuing to work there.  For the most part I like my job. It's a good job and I really don't have any complaints, but maybe it is the being in the same place, around the same people, doing similar work is a trigger.  Everywhere I turn, there is something.  Maybe I just need a change, a fresh start.

On top of everything there is also the everyday life stress.  Not enough hours in the day.  Lack of work at Clay's job is making it really hard to pay bills.  Kalen has been sick a lot, which means less sleep and lots of doctor's appointments.  Doctor's appointments mean more bills. Ect, ect.

I am trying.  I am going to give the new meds a chance and see if they help.  I got one of those stupid pill cases so I can remember to take them consistently.  I have been seeing my counselor again regularly.  I go to the gym every day.  I've applied for a few jobs, even though I am not sure I really want to make a career change.  I've asked Clay for more help.

We'll see where it all leads, but yes, right now, I am not okay.. even when I lie and tell you I am and especially on those rare occasions where I tell you I am not okay.