11 Months

Kyler would have been 11 months today.  Today I looked up what he would have been doing.  He probably would have been saying a couple words, walking around holding our hands and being a happy little almost toddler.  I try not to look that stuff up very often.  I haven't been around babies much so I don't really know the milestones we are missing and I think that makes it easier.

We had a pretty good day.  We went to "See Spot Walk" a fun walk for the local humane society.

Ranon loved it.  

After the walk Clay and I went to a nice lunch at a way more upscale restaurant then we normally go to and then we went shopping for decorations for the Halloween party that is fast approaching.  Then we took a nap and went to a housewarming party for one of my co-workers.

We did get our house refinanced.  That takes a lot of pressure off.  Clay also got recalled to the job he was laid off from about a month ago and it should last into December this time.  

We are planning a trip to the coast for either my birthday or Kyler's.  I think that will be nice.  We, also, booked a cabin in the woods for a winter vacation and are super excited about that.  We are going to go hang out for 4 nights with just us and the pup.  It should be snowy and cozy.  We are going to bake cookies, bread, cinnamon rolls, drink hot chocolate, watch movies, and play in the snow.  It should be perfect.

I did volunteer at the food bank last Wednesday and I really liked it.  I signed up to do 4 hours every Wednesday.  I think that it will be good for me.

Update on Today's meltdown

So just a quick update to earlier today.  I wrote the first post on my lunch, went back into work and went from being super angry to bawling uncontrollably   Awesome.  I lasted all of 10 minutes back from lunch before I had to leave again.  I went out on the greenbelt behind my work, sat on a bench and sobbed for an hour.  Luckily my boss is pretty understanding.  She called me while I was out there (she was off today) and told me to leave for the rest of the day.  I really didn't want to leave and burn all that time off and was able to pull myself back together enough to go back for the rest of the day after about an hour.  I wasn't very productive at work today but I am kind of glad I went back, although I am not very proud of the scene I caused before I left.  I just couldn't keep from bawling.  I don't really blame the girl.  I know it probably doesn't even cross her mind that something could go wrong with her baby.  I know it had nothing to do with me.

I just want Kyler back so badly and would do anything, especially something so small as taking 3 hours off work and paying a hundred bucks, to have him back.

I made it to my car before I started crying again when I got out of work, cried the whole way home and for the first 15 minutes after I got home.  Then I took one of my good friends up on an offer to make me feel better and went on a hour or so long walk.  I'm feeling a little bit better.  Hopefully I can get a little sleep and will feel better tomorrow.  If not, tomorrow is Friday.

Don't take it for granted. Not all babies live

Ugh. I'm soooo angry! I just sat and listened to one of my pregnant co-workers bitch at her doctor because she doesn't want to take 3 hours off work to go do a expanded glucose test. I know the longer tests suck, but it's fucking 3 hours, and a hundred bucks or so. Yeah, everything is probably fine, but what if it isn't? I can't imagine how I'd feel if I thought there was anything more I could have done for Kyler. Especially if it was something as simple as sitting in a doctors office for 3 hours. I wish people wouldn't take this baby making so lightly. Bad things can happen, bad things do happen. I want to live in a world where all babies are wanted, and especially those who are wanted come home, but I don't anymore. Please don't take it for granted.