There is a huge disconnect in my brain with this pregnancy. Intellectually, I know I am pregnant and that the end result of a pregnancy is (usually) a baby, but emotionally I am having trouble with this cause and effect relationship. Especially since that is not how it happened last time.
I can't say I feel particularly pregnant right now even though we are less then a week from delivery. I have always been a bigger person, but had lost a lot of weight prior to getting pregnant with Kyler. With the two pregnancies and the 6 months of gym time in between them, I am just a couple pounds over what I was in January 2010 which is what I had been at for years. The weight is distributed differently then it was before, but all the little tricks I learned from being larger are applicable. Yes, I can still paint my toenails, it's not any different then before. In other words, I don't feel much different.
The only thing that makes me feel pregnant right now is when Kalen starts wriggling. He wriggles like Kyler did, but differently. I thought that Kyler was moving all the time but I was wrong. Kalen literally moves all the time. During the day it never goes more then a half hour before I hear from him. This is comforting. Kalen moves differently then Kyler did. A lot of what I felt from Kyler was him playing in my ribs on the left side. With Kalen he moves everywhere, low high, left right, in out.
Even with all the movement, it doesn't equate to baby with me. I had all the movement with Kyler and we came home empty handed. Kalen will be here in less then a week, but I can't imagine getting an actual baby out of this whole process and then getting to bring him home. For a while it was starting to click for me, that I didn't have to worry about this c-section because it would be so different I wouldn't even pay attention to the discomforts. Now I am starting to worry about the c-section itself. It hurt, alot, all I wanted to do was push the little morphine button as soon as I could. I just wanted to zone out... forever. What if we don't get the baby this time? I am not sure I could go through another c-section.
I've been sent into the hospital for monitoring a few times recently. When they send me in, I just can't get excited about possibly meeting Kalen because I have a hard time believing it will really happen. Usually I go in praying that they will send me home quickly so I can go curl up with my puppy. The thought of spending the night away from my puppy gives me anxiety. I know if we get Kalen here safely, I won't mind a couple days away from the puppy. If he doesn't get here safely.. I guess I'll just use the morphine button coping technique I used last time.
I don't feel like Kalen is ready to be here. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I kind of hope that she doesn't decide to do the c-section early, but on the other hand, if she doesn't do it tomorrow the weekend is going to be very very hard on me. Kyler died on Saturday at 38 weeks 7 days and we had him Sunday at 39 weeks 1 day. My days line up the same with Kalen. Saturday will be 38 weeks 7 days, Sunday 39 weeks 1 day. My c-section is scheduled for 39 weeks 3 days. More then likely from Friday evening until we leave for the hospital Tuesday, I will just be sitting here tracking EVERY movement that Kalen makes.
It feels like I am on a set of train tracks right next to a switch. One side of the switch will derail the train and take me out with it, the other side will slow down the train down and let me hop on and go somewhere wonderful. The train is barreling down and the switch has already been set. Nothing I can do can change the outcome. I just have to sit and pray and hope for 4 days that the the switch is set to the good outcome.
Clay and I have been thinking and dreaming about having a baby for years. It took 7 months of trying, 18 months of pregnancy, and and 19 months of crying to get to this point. If/when we have the baby on Tuesday we are keeping him to ourselves for a few hours. We want to bond as the family we have been dreaming up. I want to feed him, count his toes and fingers, hold him, watch Clay hold him and just love him by ourselves for a few hours before we start to share. After we have gotten some bonding time in we will allow some of our family members in to see him. I think we might limit non family visits at the hospital though. Even though he will (hopefully) be happy and healthy, it is going to be a VERY emotional time for us.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
My Husband, The Father
My husband became a father over 2 years ago. From the moment I woke him up by throwing a positive pregnancy test at him. From the beginning of our relationship I knew he was going to make a great father. He has proven that he is.
When I was pregnant with Kyler he made an effort to come to every doctor appointment that he could. When I was too tired and sick in the first trimester to do anything, he let me sleep it off while he took care of everything else. He was ready to do anything he needed for the baby.
When I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix and hospitalized in July of 2011, he was not only there making decisions with me and spending every minute he could with me and Kyler, but he also managed to go to work so he could keep the brand new job that we so desperately needed him to have. After I was released from the hospital he continued working while taking care of me. He spent nearly every minute he wasn't at work taking care of the house, the dog and me.
We talked a lot about all the things he wanted to do with Kyler. He couldn't want to teach him to fish, take him camping, play with him, love him. While I was on bedrest he went into Babies R Us by him self and picked out a special outfit for Kyler. "Daddy's Sidekick" it said. He was so excited to meet Kyler.
He cried just as much as I did when we found out Kyler had died. He did not leave my side after we found out. Even though he cannot handle the sight of blood, he was there for ever second of my c-section.
When they brought Kyler into us, Clay held him first. I didn't think I wanted to hold or even see Kyler. Clay had no reservations, he wanted to see his baby. Clay took a lot more pictures with Kyler when the NILMDTS photographer came in, and helped the photographer pose Kyler. Clay called funeral homes and cemeteries to find a final resting place for our son. He arranged for the hospital chaplain to conduct the service. He helped me pick out Kyler's first and final outfit (which ended up being the one Clay had bought for him months earlier) and delivered it to the funeral home. He carried our son's casket to his grave.
In the months since we lost Kyler, Clay has been strong for me and very supportive. He lets me just cry when I need to, even though he is just as hurt as I am. He helps me find things to take to Kyler's grave and helps me do things to honor Kyler.
From the moment we found out I was pregnant with Kalen he has been protecting me and Kalen. He has spent even more time this pregnancy waiting on me and taking care of everything so Kalen could be born healthy. Every day we bond more with Kalen and are excited to meet him.
Clay has done more as a father to his two children then some "father's" do for their living children. Even though grieving father's don't talk about their child a lot, even though they are the "strong" ones who seldom cry, even though they do not have their child here on earth.... They are still fathers, and good ones at that.
Last year for Father's Day very few people acknowledged that Clay was a father, this year even fewer people did. Those who did acknowledge it this year acknowledged it as him being a "Father to Be." My experience with Mother's Day was very similar. It hurts. Even though Kyler is not here with us, we are still parents to him. We celebrate in our own way, with each other. Mother's Day and Father's Day will always be very hard for us. Next year, hopefully, will be a little different. We should have Kalen to celebrate with, but we will still be missing one.
I know that everyone is different, but I would say, don't hesitate to acknowledge a bereaved mother or father, ever. They are still parents. You are not reminding them of what they have lost, it is always on their mind. Also, PLEASE, if they are expecting or have another child don't minimize the child they have lost by calling them "parent's to be" or something similar. We know that there is no malicious intent with comments like that, BUT it still hurts.
I couldn't have picked a better father for my children.
When I was pregnant with Kyler he made an effort to come to every doctor appointment that he could. When I was too tired and sick in the first trimester to do anything, he let me sleep it off while he took care of everything else. He was ready to do anything he needed for the baby.
When I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix and hospitalized in July of 2011, he was not only there making decisions with me and spending every minute he could with me and Kyler, but he also managed to go to work so he could keep the brand new job that we so desperately needed him to have. After I was released from the hospital he continued working while taking care of me. He spent nearly every minute he wasn't at work taking care of the house, the dog and me.
We talked a lot about all the things he wanted to do with Kyler. He couldn't want to teach him to fish, take him camping, play with him, love him. While I was on bedrest he went into Babies R Us by him self and picked out a special outfit for Kyler. "Daddy's Sidekick" it said. He was so excited to meet Kyler.
He cried just as much as I did when we found out Kyler had died. He did not leave my side after we found out. Even though he cannot handle the sight of blood, he was there for ever second of my c-section.
When they brought Kyler into us, Clay held him first. I didn't think I wanted to hold or even see Kyler. Clay had no reservations, he wanted to see his baby. Clay took a lot more pictures with Kyler when the NILMDTS photographer came in, and helped the photographer pose Kyler. Clay called funeral homes and cemeteries to find a final resting place for our son. He arranged for the hospital chaplain to conduct the service. He helped me pick out Kyler's first and final outfit (which ended up being the one Clay had bought for him months earlier) and delivered it to the funeral home. He carried our son's casket to his grave.
In the months since we lost Kyler, Clay has been strong for me and very supportive. He lets me just cry when I need to, even though he is just as hurt as I am. He helps me find things to take to Kyler's grave and helps me do things to honor Kyler.
From the moment we found out I was pregnant with Kalen he has been protecting me and Kalen. He has spent even more time this pregnancy waiting on me and taking care of everything so Kalen could be born healthy. Every day we bond more with Kalen and are excited to meet him.
Clay has done more as a father to his two children then some "father's" do for their living children. Even though grieving father's don't talk about their child a lot, even though they are the "strong" ones who seldom cry, even though they do not have their child here on earth.... They are still fathers, and good ones at that.
Last year for Father's Day very few people acknowledged that Clay was a father, this year even fewer people did. Those who did acknowledge it this year acknowledged it as him being a "Father to Be." My experience with Mother's Day was very similar. It hurts. Even though Kyler is not here with us, we are still parents to him. We celebrate in our own way, with each other. Mother's Day and Father's Day will always be very hard for us. Next year, hopefully, will be a little different. We should have Kalen to celebrate with, but we will still be missing one.
I know that everyone is different, but I would say, don't hesitate to acknowledge a bereaved mother or father, ever. They are still parents. You are not reminding them of what they have lost, it is always on their mind. Also, PLEASE, if they are expecting or have another child don't minimize the child they have lost by calling them "parent's to be" or something similar. We know that there is no malicious intent with comments like that, BUT it still hurts.
I couldn't have picked a better father for my children.
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