Awkwardness

I've had a pretty good day off so far.  The dog and I slept in until 9AM!  I thought about getting up earlier but then I heard the wind and hail outside and figured there was no point.  Then I bummed around for an hour or so, went to the gym, came home and took a shower and then went to my counselor.  I think I do like my new counselor.  She is seeing me every week which I think I need right now.  The other counselor would tell us to call when we thought we wanted to come in again.  That doesn't work with me, I'll never call.  I need to have my next appointment set up before I leave, which this counselor does.

On my way home I stopped and got my hair cut.  I was lucky enough to be born with great low maintenance hair.  I don't get my hair cut very often, in fact it is pretty rare for me to get it cut more then 4 times a year.  Since I don't go in very often, I don't have a regular stylist.  I just go to one of the chain walk in salons.  I knew going in that I was going to have to deal with the stylist's small talk.  One of the first things they always ask is "Do you have kids?"  What a loaded question for me.  I had thought about it before I went in and had decided I would say "Yes, I had one."  When I sat down she looked right at the little boy birthstone necklace I wear for Kyler and moved it out of the way of the cape.  Then a minute later she asked the question.  I wanted to chicken out and say no but I knew she'd probably ask about the necklace so I told her I "had" one, past tense.  Most people pick up on that but she didn't.  She asked how old he was and I told her he had passed away.  Talk about awkward.  I don't think it would have been any less awkward if I had told her any different.  Last time my husband and I went in I listened as he told the person doing his hair "No" and had to sit through multiple additional questions such as "Do you want kids?"  I'm glad I was prepared for it.  I feel kind of bad that I took her by surprise like that but there was no good way out.

I am kind of lucky that I was on bedrest most of my pregnancy so I don't have to deal with many awkward questions, no one saw me pregnant so no one asks.  I've had a former co-worker ask me "Where's the kid" at a party and a current co-worker who didn't know me well ask me about Kyler, but that's it.  I'm glad I don't have to deal with it every day.  I've got a dentist appointment next month that I am dreading.  The hygienist is very chatty, remembers everything, and noted in my chart that I was pregnant.  My last appointment I was very pregnant, in fact I was freed from bed rest long enough to go because I was so close.  I really don't want to deal with having her ask.  I've thought about calling and asking if they could note in my chart that Kyler was stillborn, or even switching dentists.  Not sure what I am going to do.  I guess I have a month to think about it.

I've been doing pretty good I think.  I've been to work every day recently except for the two half days I took for my cold last week.  Some days at work I really struggle, some days I am fine, but I make it through the day.  I've got a couple of good friends I've been hanging out with.  They are awesome enough to call and ask me to do things, even when I never call them.  I'll probably say yes if you ask me to do something, but right now I don't have the motivation to come up with or schedule anything on my own.  I know it can be awkward to chat with me, but I promise it is not that bad.  I appreciate those who try.  I am still mostly the same person, but I do live in a different world then I did 4 months ago.  Some day I hope I get a chance to be as good of a friend to these two as they have been to me.

Feeling Better

I guess taking care of myself actually works.  For the first time in recent memory I was only sick for a few days.  I came home early both Tuesday and Thursday had my normal day off Wednesday and slept nearly all the time sleeping.  By Friday I was feeling 100 times better.

We didn't do much this weekend.  I made it to the gym both days.  We went grocery shopping and did some cleaning, both of which are pretty big accomplishments for us right now.  I think this is the first time we have really went grocery shopping since I got out of the hospital.  We've quickly ran in the grocery store to get a few things off a very specific list a few times but we hadn't actually wandered a whole grocery store.  I get really annoyed and frustrated with my fellow shoppers right now, not to mention it seems like every other person we see is pregnant or has an infant.  It ended up that it wasn't too bad.  I think we got enough stuff that we can cross grocery shopping off our to do list for another month or two again.

Sick Days

I used to be one of those people who would always go work when I was sick.  In the past 10 years I can count with both hands the number of sick days I've taken.  I probably shouldn't admit to that because I am sure I've shared my germs with more then my fair share of coworkers and customers.  Even on my days off I never let being sick slow me down unless I was really really sick.  Well it looks like that has come to a screeching halt.  I got a head cold this week and it has knocked me out.  It really isn't even that bad, just a stuffy nose and watery eyes but I can't handle it.  I went to work Tuesday and finished a few things they had really wanted me to get done Tuesday and then I came home.  I went right to bed and slept pretty much until I had to get up Wednesday afternoon to go to counseling.  Usually when I am sick I can't stand laying around in bed, even if I need it.  I feel like I need to be doing something.  Not this time.  I went to work again today and did what they wanted me to get done today and came home again.  I didn't go right to bed but I am headed that way.  I can't believe I am so tired.  I guess it is just with everything that has gone on the last few months my body can't handle any more stress.  I guess I am doing what everyone tells me I should be doing and being kind to myself and taking care of myself.  I bugs me to not be at work but I have plenty of sick time so I shouldn't worry about it.

I'm going to eat my bowl of soup and go curl up under the covers in bed with my dog and sleep until I have to get up for work tomorrow.

Blankets!!!

My goal for last week was to actually start to put this blanket plan into action, but then I literally spent my whole Wednesday off work but running errands.  Saturday, again it didn't happen, although I did at least cut some basic rectangles out.  Fail for last week.  But then today I was super motivated.  I finished 4 blankets (two sets).  I'm glad I got them started because now that is all I want to do.  I have enough fleece to make 20 or so more blankets.  Every time I venture in Joann's, some fleece jumps in my cart.  Today I went in for better sizzors, I came out with 4 more yards of fleece an expensive super cool cutter and mat.  Anyway, here's the 4 I got done today.  I've got some even cuter ones coming soon  :)  Thanks Sarah for helping me pick out all the fleece.

A little bit of good luck

So I guess maybe complaining worked.  A mere 2.5 days into his unemployment my husband was recalled to his temp job.  They said they only have enough work for 2-4 more weeks but hey, it's 2-4 weeks of paychecks, plus they are always adding projects so it may turn into more and he's got a lot of other applications out now.

They laid off a bunch of people at my company this week, but no, I wasn't one of them.  The way things are laid out in my company, it is pretty unlikely we'd get laid off unless they shut my whole office down.  I'm not saying it couldn't happen, but it's unlikely.  I don't think it is really worth worrying about.  I live in a right to work state.  I could just get fired as much as I could get laid off.  You never know what's going to happen.  I know a few people at the company I work at who have spent the last 10 years worried that they were going to laid off.  Worrying won't stop things from happening, it will just make you enjoy the time that you do have less.  I love my "too good to be true" job, if it ended today I'd be sad but I'd say thanks for the good ride.

Today was my first "mini weekend" day, my first Wednesday off in the middle of the week.  It was good to have the day off, but I had expected to not have much to do today.  It ended up I was way busier today then I've been on the weekends.  This is the first chance I've had to sit down all day and it is nearly bed time.  I got a lot of things done today that I needed to, though, and even got to hang out with two of my friends.  I think once I get settled into my schedule, and get some stuff I've been putting off done, I'll try to make Wednesdays just for relaxing... Easier said then done I'm sure...

Wristbands and Rings

There is this local radio morning show I've listened to since I moved back to Boise 10 years ago or so.  It's just a typical morning show, lots of on air shenanigans coupled with stories of crazy off air lives.  I normally listen on my way to work so after I got put on bed rest I didn't listen much.  Mostly I just caught the little bits and pieces they played as commercials later in the day during our weekly drives to the doctor's office.  One of the bits and pieces I caught was that one of the co-host's sisters was pregnant at the same time I was. Of course I didn't think much about it, in fact I'm sure I had a jealous thought or two that she was probably enjoying a normal healthy pregnancy.  When I went back to work in October for a couple weeks I started listening again.  One morning I was driving to work when the co-host shared that her sister had lost her baby. I remember thinking how horrible it was.  I couldn't imagine having to deal with something like that.  I shed some tears for all of them and patted my big belly and told Kyler I loved him.  Fast forward a couple weeks and I was in a very similar situation myself.  I'd been thinking about her sister quite a bit over the last few months.  I wonder how she's been doing.  For some reason I really wanted to send her a set of "Mom of an Angel" and "Dad of an Angel" wrist bands.  I finally decided just to do last week.  I got a set of them and a card and sent them into the co-host at the radio station asking her to pass them along to her sister.  I felt a little awkward doing it but I'm glad I did.  It doesn't really matter if they like them or not, it just felt like something I needed to do.  If nothing else I hope it helps her to know that people are still thinking about her.  Clay and I both love our wristbands, they help me remember how much we both loved Kyler.  If you know of someone who needs a wristband and can't get a hold of one for some reason, let me know and I will do what I can to get them one.

I haven't started the blankets yet but I think I am going to try to do a couple this week.  Now that I have Wednesdays off, I'm planning on doing some of those types of things I've been meaning to do.  We've been so busy on weekends I haven't had much of a chance to get them started.

In unrelated news I was able to get both my wedding rings back on today.  It was pretty awesome.  When I lost weight a couple years ago I swear I lost like 5 pounds in my fingers alone.  I had to have my rings re-sized and they ended up tiny.  I had thought about getting them sized up after I had Kyler but I didn't want to have to keep getting them re-sized so I just waited.  I was able to get my engagement ring on about a month ago, but not the wedding band.  Today I was able to get both of them on.  I've been working really hard at getting back in shape and have lost about 12lbs since I went back to work.  Apparently most of that has been in my fingers.  :)

Isn't it time for some good luck?

Argh!  I know I've done a lot of complaining lately, but I've got one more.  Just when it was looking like we might be able to make a dent in all the doctor bills over the next few months, Clay got laid off.  He's been working a temp job since July and we knew it could end at anytime but we were hoping he'd get at least a weeks notice.  Nope, he had 24 hours.  Today was his last day.  If anyone knows of any jobs around, especially electronics technician type jobs, let us know!

On the slightly brighter side, now that I am back at work, we can live on what I make.  They had first talked about laying him off in October while I was still on disability.  We couldn't have lived on what I made on disability.  At least he got the extra few months.  With what I make, we may not be able to pay the credit card bill that all the doctor/hospital/funeral home/cemetery bills are on, but I don't really want to pay them anyway.  I was able to put all of those on a 0 interest credit card anyway so we don't really have to worry about them for another year or so.  I just don't like them hanging over our heads.  We are pretty sure Clay was in his temp job for just long enough to get unemployment again.  We'll see next week if he is eligible.  If he is it will help.  We've got a roof over our heads and a couple of cars to get me back and forth to work.  Neither of which we are in danger of losing at this point of the game.  I am grateful for that.

We've been working hard on doing fun things on the weekend since I went back to work.  We went to some hot springs I've been wanting to go to for over a year, we spent a (free) night in Jackpot, and Sunday we are going up to the local ski resort to go snow tubing.  I spent 14 weeks stuck in the house dreaming of being free.  Now that I am we are going to take advantage of it.  

You need a watch

"You need to get a watch."  One of my noobs told me that today.  I have a watch.  I wore it nearly every day for the last 10 years.  Every day until I had to take it off as they were prepping me for my c-section.  I never put it back on.  Kyler was born the day of the time change.  I was going to change the time on my watch that morning, but then we decided to go to the hospital instead to get Kyler checked out.  As we left the hospital it got put in the bottom of my hospital bag.  Time didn't matter much for the next couple months.  When I went back to work I cleaned out my gym bag that had doubled as my hospital bag and found my watch.  It was still set to the prior time.  I didn't want to deal with it and put it in my jewelry box.  I don't need the watch most of the time.  Between my computer, ipod, cell phone, tv, car I am never far from a clock if I need one.  My watch's place on my wrist was replaced by my "Mom of an angel" arm band.  After wearing my watch for so long you would think I would miss it, but I don't.  The only time I miss it is when I am working with the noobs and loose track of time and have to ask them what time it is.  It's nice to not have reminder of every second of every day on your wrist.  I think not having it helps me enjoy time more.  Maybe some day after the time change I'll get my watch back out.  Right now I don't want to deal with it so it will stay where it is for now.  As will the pink water bottle that has been rolling around on the floor of my car since November 6.  I had grabbed it on the way out of the house when we were headed to the hospital because I knew the nurses would want a "sample" when we got there.  I can't deal with taking it out of the car.