(Written 12/30/11)
Today we are going to Clay's cousins wedding. I have mixed feelings about going. I'm glad we are able to go and congratulate her, but I wasn't supposed to be able to go. When we originally got the invite, we figured I'd be back at work and have a 2 month old so we were planning on Clay just going.
I've been trying to push as many of the "supposed to be" thoughts out of my head as possible. I believe as much as this sucks, it's part of the plan and there is a reason it happened; therefore what I am doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing. There is no alternate reality where Kyler lived and I'm supposed to be taking care of him.
I go back to work in 3 days. In fact in 3 hours I'm technically off of disability. Physically I've been feeling pretty good. I still get sore but the doctor said I am healing just like I should be. I'm excited and scared to go back to work. It will be nice to have something productive to do every day and to get full paychecks, but it has been a long time since I've been expected to be productive all day every day.
The amount of patience that I have has changed drastically. I have been having a hard time not telling off people who complain about trivial things, especially if it is their kids. I want to tell them to just shut up and think about what they have. I would give anything to have a baby wake me up at night, or a kid who did a half ass job on their chores. I know that being a parent is tough and sometimes your patience is tested. I am not under any illusion that I won't get frustrated if we have more kids, but am sure that I will be a lot less likely to take them for granted then I would have. I've also been having trouble with how people treat me, but that is more my problem then theirs. I hate it when people great me like i'm broken or going to break, but I also hate it when people treat me like nothing happened. I know the middle ground is a very fine line, though so most people aren't going to get it right. I can't even explain how I want to be treated.
My niece has been in town all week. We've been having a pretty good time just hanging out and getting to know each other better. It is weird how much we have in common. Like we compared our music libraries on our computers and they were 90% or so identical. We also watch a bunch of the same tv shows. It is kinda weird but cool.
I haven't gotten the measurements for the blankets that I want to make yet, but I'm pretty sure it would be okay to make them the same size as the ones we got. I measured the one that we received though and as long as It is with in the guidelines (I don't see why it wouldn't be) we should be able to make 2 blankets out of a yard of fleece. My niece and I went and picked out some different fleece today. It was on sale for half off so we were able to get enough to make 16 blankets. That would help 8 families since we want each family to get two identical blankets like Clay and I did. I'm excited to make the blankets. The fabric we got is really cute. Of course, I wish no one needed them.
We survived Christmas. It was definitely weird. Clay and I went to visit Kyler's grave on Christmas eve. On Christmas day Clay just hung out at home and I went to my brothers for a couple hours. It wasn't a good day, or an awful one. It was just weird.
We'll start 2012 in a few days. I'm excited to put 2011 behind us and start moving toward the next chapter in our lives.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Bah Humbug
Blah, it's Christmas Eve. Neither of us are excited for Christmas this year. The first thing I actually ever bought specifically for Kyler (not just for some future baby) was a Santa suit. I found it on clearance at Fred Meyer not long after we had the positive pregnancy test, I don't think I'd even been to the doctor yet. I wish we'd been able to see him in it.
We got the tree and lights up which has helped our Christmas spirit a little. Yesterday we were given a Christmas dinner box. I think we will have it tonight. We hadn't even thought about doing a holiday dinner until it showed up at our door yesterday. We feel a little guilty about getting the dinner box. It is not like we would have gone hungry with out it, but we would not have done a Christmas dinner. I think it is good that we received it, it will help make today and tomorrow better, more special. Clay, Ranon and I will spend the night together, have a good dinner, and make some cookies. Maybe we will even leave the cookies out for Santa.
We weren't able to do presents this year. We just didn't have the money, time, motivation or spirit, but we did make one exception. We went out yesterday and bought Ranon a present. It is a puzzle toy that rewards him with treats when he figures it out. I think he'll like it. I think we'll wrap it and see if he can get it unwrapped.
We don't have much planned for tomorrow either. My brother's family is making dinner and I think I am going to go over there for a couple hours. My husband doesn't think he'll feel up to going, which is fine. I wouldn't have wanted to go to his family's this year. I'm glad my brothers is just a couple blocks from here so I can go just for a little bit. We'll just spend most of the day hanging out together.
I am excited for Monday. One of my nieces is coming to stay with us for a little while. She's 18 and I think her and I will have a good time together. She's coming in first thing Monday morning.
We got the tree and lights up which has helped our Christmas spirit a little. Yesterday we were given a Christmas dinner box. I think we will have it tonight. We hadn't even thought about doing a holiday dinner until it showed up at our door yesterday. We feel a little guilty about getting the dinner box. It is not like we would have gone hungry with out it, but we would not have done a Christmas dinner. I think it is good that we received it, it will help make today and tomorrow better, more special. Clay, Ranon and I will spend the night together, have a good dinner, and make some cookies. Maybe we will even leave the cookies out for Santa.
We weren't able to do presents this year. We just didn't have the money, time, motivation or spirit, but we did make one exception. We went out yesterday and bought Ranon a present. It is a puzzle toy that rewards him with treats when he figures it out. I think he'll like it. I think we'll wrap it and see if he can get it unwrapped.
We don't have much planned for tomorrow either. My brother's family is making dinner and I think I am going to go over there for a couple hours. My husband doesn't think he'll feel up to going, which is fine. I wouldn't have wanted to go to his family's this year. I'm glad my brothers is just a couple blocks from here so I can go just for a little bit. We'll just spend most of the day hanging out together.
I am excited for Monday. One of my nieces is coming to stay with us for a little while. She's 18 and I think her and I will have a good time together. She's coming in first thing Monday morning.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
6 Weeks In, Part 2
We went to our Share support group meeting Monday night. We were the only ones who went this month but it was still good. We spent nearly 2 hours talking to the meeting leader. She lost her son 7 years ago. It is nice to be able to just talk to someone who has been through everything and understands exactly what we are going through. I felt pretty good when we left the meeting.
While I was in the hospital, even before Kyler was actually born, the nurse brought in a variety of baby blankets for us so we could choose one for Kyler. She made sure to bring us ones she had two of so when we made a decision we actually got two identical blankets. One we could keep with us and one for him. I love that we were able to pick the blanket and that we have one and so does he. The nurse said that sometimes she has trouble finding two identical blankets among the donated blankets. It was so special and helpful to us that I decided that I want to start making blankets for them, two identical ones at a time. I wasn't sure how to execute this plan, but when I talked to our group leader about it Monday she said she could find out for me. I should have the blanket "requirements" and information on how to donate them soon. If anyone else is interested in making a couple blankets let me know and I'll get you the info as well. We chose the blanket we did because the dogs on it reminded us of our puppy, Ranon. We had been dreaming that Kyler and Ranon would be best friends, so it seemed fitting.
I went in to work today to talk to my boss about coming back. I thought that it would just be easier to talk to him about it in person then try and get it set up via email and it was. I wasn't sure what they would want me to do when I came back since I have basically been gone for 6 months and I was in a few different "roles" before I left. It looks like I am going to have a week to get back into the swing of things and then I am going to train a set of new employees. I was pretty surprised they wanted me to train almost as soon as I got back, but I always liked doing the training and not much has changed, at least in what we train, since I left, so I think it will be good. I am also going back to my same M-F schedule I've had for the past few years. I was thinking that I wanted to work four 10 hour days with Sat, Sun and Wed off, but I think I can do M-F while I am training. He said that after I am done training the new employees (training is a month) we can talk again about what "role" they want me in and the schedule.
I am getting excited about going back to work, and not just for the paychecks. I haven't really wanted to leave the house much since I got home from the hospital. Running into pregnant women and infants (especially boys) in stores and restaurants is super hard for me, but I don't have to worry about that too much at work. My department is 80% male and I am only the second woman to have a baby there in the last 4 years. I think it will be a "safe" place for me for now and it will be nice to get out of the house. Plus, if the doctor okays it, I can start using the gym at work again which should make me feel better too. I was worried about the actual "going" to work, like walking in the building and through our floor, but I was able to get that over with today too since I went in.
I start work again the first week in January. I think that is the perfect time to start, we'll leave 2011 as the year of struggle and heartbreak and move on to 2012 which will hopefully be a year of healing, helping others, and setting up a new normal for us.
While I was in the hospital, even before Kyler was actually born, the nurse brought in a variety of baby blankets for us so we could choose one for Kyler. She made sure to bring us ones she had two of so when we made a decision we actually got two identical blankets. One we could keep with us and one for him. I love that we were able to pick the blanket and that we have one and so does he. The nurse said that sometimes she has trouble finding two identical blankets among the donated blankets. It was so special and helpful to us that I decided that I want to start making blankets for them, two identical ones at a time. I wasn't sure how to execute this plan, but when I talked to our group leader about it Monday she said she could find out for me. I should have the blanket "requirements" and information on how to donate them soon. If anyone else is interested in making a couple blankets let me know and I'll get you the info as well. We chose the blanket we did because the dogs on it reminded us of our puppy, Ranon. We had been dreaming that Kyler and Ranon would be best friends, so it seemed fitting.
I went in to work today to talk to my boss about coming back. I thought that it would just be easier to talk to him about it in person then try and get it set up via email and it was. I wasn't sure what they would want me to do when I came back since I have basically been gone for 6 months and I was in a few different "roles" before I left. It looks like I am going to have a week to get back into the swing of things and then I am going to train a set of new employees. I was pretty surprised they wanted me to train almost as soon as I got back, but I always liked doing the training and not much has changed, at least in what we train, since I left, so I think it will be good. I am also going back to my same M-F schedule I've had for the past few years. I was thinking that I wanted to work four 10 hour days with Sat, Sun and Wed off, but I think I can do M-F while I am training. He said that after I am done training the new employees (training is a month) we can talk again about what "role" they want me in and the schedule.
I am getting excited about going back to work, and not just for the paychecks. I haven't really wanted to leave the house much since I got home from the hospital. Running into pregnant women and infants (especially boys) in stores and restaurants is super hard for me, but I don't have to worry about that too much at work. My department is 80% male and I am only the second woman to have a baby there in the last 4 years. I think it will be a "safe" place for me for now and it will be nice to get out of the house. Plus, if the doctor okays it, I can start using the gym at work again which should make me feel better too. I was worried about the actual "going" to work, like walking in the building and through our floor, but I was able to get that over with today too since I went in.
I start work again the first week in January. I think that is the perfect time to start, we'll leave 2011 as the year of struggle and heartbreak and move on to 2012 which will hopefully be a year of healing, helping others, and setting up a new normal for us.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Why Us?
One of those questions that comes to mind is "Why Us?" We did everything right, we're good people, this wasn't supposed to happen. Why not us? Bad things happen to good people every day. Why would we think that we are so righteous that we'd be exempt from having something like this happen? Our lives, especially the past few years, have been so blessed but things can't go right all the time. If nothing bad ever happened we would take the good for granted.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone else, and in someways I feel it is better that it happened to us then others. Clay and I have each other. We have a strong marriage, and we are working to have this bring us closer together. We both have wonderful families and friends who have been and will help us through everything. I have a job that has allowed me to be out on disability basically since July 15th, and they will welcome me back in two weeks with no repercussions for being gone. Clay found a job two weeks before I went out on leave that has been mostly able to cover the difference between my normal pay and my disability pay, and even though he's pretty new there, they have let him have any time off he's needed. The medical bills that have been coming in are overwhelming, but I have good insurance. We can absorb the financial hit and recover from it. I can't imagine how people who are not close with the baby's other parent, who lose their jobs because of difficult pregnancies, who don't get disability or can't live on the reduced wages, who don't have insurance get through an experience like ours. Clay and I will make it through this together and hopefully end up being better people because of it.
I like to think that Kyler was too special to have to spend time in the world. He got to spend his whole life warm and cozy. He never had to experience pain, sadness or be cold before he was called back to heaven. I think God decided He needed Kyler back when I was 22 weeks pregnant but answered everyone's prayers by letting me carry him to full term. If I'd had him at 22 weeks he probably would have been born live but he wouldn't have survived and he wouldn't have been comfortable and I probably would have never known that I CAN carry a baby to full term.
We have a SHARE group meeting tonight and I am interested to see who is there. We went a month ago, only two weeks after we lost Kyler, and there was just us and one other couple who had lost their baby a few years ago. It helps really to talk to people who have been through a similar experience so I hope more people are there tonight, but I also hope we are the only ones there.. the only ones who need help this month.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone else, and in someways I feel it is better that it happened to us then others. Clay and I have each other. We have a strong marriage, and we are working to have this bring us closer together. We both have wonderful families and friends who have been and will help us through everything. I have a job that has allowed me to be out on disability basically since July 15th, and they will welcome me back in two weeks with no repercussions for being gone. Clay found a job two weeks before I went out on leave that has been mostly able to cover the difference between my normal pay and my disability pay, and even though he's pretty new there, they have let him have any time off he's needed. The medical bills that have been coming in are overwhelming, but I have good insurance. We can absorb the financial hit and recover from it. I can't imagine how people who are not close with the baby's other parent, who lose their jobs because of difficult pregnancies, who don't get disability or can't live on the reduced wages, who don't have insurance get through an experience like ours. Clay and I will make it through this together and hopefully end up being better people because of it.
I like to think that Kyler was too special to have to spend time in the world. He got to spend his whole life warm and cozy. He never had to experience pain, sadness or be cold before he was called back to heaven. I think God decided He needed Kyler back when I was 22 weeks pregnant but answered everyone's prayers by letting me carry him to full term. If I'd had him at 22 weeks he probably would have been born live but he wouldn't have survived and he wouldn't have been comfortable and I probably would have never known that I CAN carry a baby to full term.
We have a SHARE group meeting tonight and I am interested to see who is there. We went a month ago, only two weeks after we lost Kyler, and there was just us and one other couple who had lost their baby a few years ago. It helps really to talk to people who have been through a similar experience so I hope more people are there tonight, but I also hope we are the only ones there.. the only ones who need help this month.
Friday, December 16, 2011
My Take on the Duggar's Loss of their Baby Jubilee
Not too long before we left I heard that the Duggars from 19 Kids and Counting were expecting another baby. I've watched the TV shows about the Duggar's for years and I'll admit, at first I was very judgmental of them, but there was something about the show I liked and I kept watching. After watching for a while I started to find things about them that I liked a lot. They have a lot of kids, BUT they take care of them. There are plenty of people I know that only have 1 or 2 kids and don't take care of them. They seem to have raised all of their kids to be good people. And from what I've seen they have their beliefs, but try not to judge people who do not share their beliefs. If you watch them, they are not shy to share their beliefs BUT I don't think I've ever heard them say that everyone needs to believe the same way they do. A few years ago I decided I wanted to try and take the judgement out of my life as well. I realized I do not have the answers, I have my beliefs but who am I to say someone else's beliefs are wrong? As long as your beliefs and life choices are not hurting anyone else what does it matter to me? Of course, as a human, I do not always succeed in this, but I do try. That being said, do I personally have the same beliefs as the Duggars? No I don't, but what does it matter. It is what they believe and they have a nice family and are not hurting anyone.
While I was pregnant, their decision to share their story about their premature baby, Josie, was a blessing to me. Their last baby was born at 25 weeks and her story gave me hope. I was only 22 weeks pregnant with Kyler when I was told that labor was pretty much imminent, and I just kept thinking, if I can make it just a few more weeks he'll be as old as she was and he would have a chance. I knew it wasn't a guarantee and that it would still be a hard road, but I had hope. Once I made it past 25 weeks I kept thinking he was another week older then Josie, he'd have one less week of the struggle and complications she went through.
Anyway when I found out they were expecting another child I was happy for them but I was very jealous. They already have 19 living children and I don't even have one. I felt bad about my jealousy but I couldn't control it. I didn't think I could bare to watch the show anymore.
On Thursday I screwing around on the internet and found out they had lost the baby. She went in for her 19 week ultrasound and found the baby's heart wasn't beating. Now they are going through what we went through, but they are doing it in the public spotlight and every decision they have made and are making is being judged. I can't imagine being in their shoes. When we lost Kyler all I wanted to do was be alone with my husband for at least a week. We didn't really want anyone else's input we just wanted to do things our way and make our own decisions. We needed to find what helped us. I feel bad that I was so jealous of them, but it wasn't something I could control, and yes of course I am going to keep watching their show.
Yesterday one of the organizations that I "like" on facebook that has been helping us with Kyler's loss brought up an article from TMZ that was bashing the Duggars for "taking pictures of their fetal corpse and sharing them at the memorial service." TMZ also showed the pictures. This makes me so angry. First, I can tell you, it is not a "fetal corpse" it is their baby. The pictures they had taken were taken by Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, a national organization who's mission is to give parents suffering the loss of a baby the gift of free professional (beautiful) portraits of their baby. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is the same organization who came in and took pictures of Kyler for us. I admit when I was in the hospital and they first told me about the pictures, I was a bit taken a back but once I looked at their brochure, I realized what an opportunity they were giving me to remember Kyler and how beautiful the pictures would be. Why does TMZ feel they have the right to judge the Duggar's for having the pictures taken and who are they to share them? Especially in the Duggar's time of grief. Personally I don't think we will ever share Kyler's pictures online. I am not ashamed of the pictures, but they are pretty personal. If you ever are around and want to see our pictures we'll be happy to show you. They are a wonderful reminder for us how beautiful and real he was. I understand that everyone doesn't feel right looking at the pictures but if it helps us, what does it matter to you? If the Duggar's want to share their pictures, let them do it themselves. If you don't want to see them, don't look.
I think that is the end of my rant for the day. While you are thinking of us and Kyler this holiday season, please think of the Duggars and their baby, Jubilee, as well as everyone else who has lost a baby this year and in years past.
While I was pregnant, their decision to share their story about their premature baby, Josie, was a blessing to me. Their last baby was born at 25 weeks and her story gave me hope. I was only 22 weeks pregnant with Kyler when I was told that labor was pretty much imminent, and I just kept thinking, if I can make it just a few more weeks he'll be as old as she was and he would have a chance. I knew it wasn't a guarantee and that it would still be a hard road, but I had hope. Once I made it past 25 weeks I kept thinking he was another week older then Josie, he'd have one less week of the struggle and complications she went through.
Anyway when I found out they were expecting another child I was happy for them but I was very jealous. They already have 19 living children and I don't even have one. I felt bad about my jealousy but I couldn't control it. I didn't think I could bare to watch the show anymore.
On Thursday I screwing around on the internet and found out they had lost the baby. She went in for her 19 week ultrasound and found the baby's heart wasn't beating. Now they are going through what we went through, but they are doing it in the public spotlight and every decision they have made and are making is being judged. I can't imagine being in their shoes. When we lost Kyler all I wanted to do was be alone with my husband for at least a week. We didn't really want anyone else's input we just wanted to do things our way and make our own decisions. We needed to find what helped us. I feel bad that I was so jealous of them, but it wasn't something I could control, and yes of course I am going to keep watching their show.
Yesterday one of the organizations that I "like" on facebook that has been helping us with Kyler's loss brought up an article from TMZ that was bashing the Duggars for "taking pictures of their fetal corpse and sharing them at the memorial service." TMZ also showed the pictures. This makes me so angry. First, I can tell you, it is not a "fetal corpse" it is their baby. The pictures they had taken were taken by Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, a national organization who's mission is to give parents suffering the loss of a baby the gift of free professional (beautiful) portraits of their baby. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is the same organization who came in and took pictures of Kyler for us. I admit when I was in the hospital and they first told me about the pictures, I was a bit taken a back but once I looked at their brochure, I realized what an opportunity they were giving me to remember Kyler and how beautiful the pictures would be. Why does TMZ feel they have the right to judge the Duggar's for having the pictures taken and who are they to share them? Especially in the Duggar's time of grief. Personally I don't think we will ever share Kyler's pictures online. I am not ashamed of the pictures, but they are pretty personal. If you ever are around and want to see our pictures we'll be happy to show you. They are a wonderful reminder for us how beautiful and real he was. I understand that everyone doesn't feel right looking at the pictures but if it helps us, what does it matter to you? If the Duggar's want to share their pictures, let them do it themselves. If you don't want to see them, don't look.
I think that is the end of my rant for the day. While you are thinking of us and Kyler this holiday season, please think of the Duggars and their baby, Jubilee, as well as everyone else who has lost a baby this year and in years past.
6 Weeks In
This morning I was thinking that I hadn't made a post in a while and I really needed to. I really want to keep this up. Now that I've told Kyler's story, I want to focus more on how we are honoring him and to a lesser extent how we are coping with our new lives. At first I thought that there wasn't much that we've done so far, but then when I thought about it more I decided there were a few things. The things I have done for Kyler are more things that I haven't done, and when you think about it they are actually huge.
- I haven't started smoking again
- I haven't started drinking again
- I haven't been abusing the sedatives and narcotics that were prescribed to me
- I haven't allowed myself to stay in bed all day every day
- I haven't allowed myself to isolate
It's only been about 6 weeks since we lost Kyler, so I think we are doing great.
We have done just a couple other things. My husband has a co-worker who had a baby with in weeks of when we had Kyler, and his co-worker was struggling with being able to buy a carseat/stroller set. We gave him Kyler's. We are glad it is going to good use and keeping another precious little baby safe. We have a friend who lives down the street who just had a baby in July. We were able to give her Kyler's movement/sound monitor and breast pump. Again, we love that we were able to keep another baby safe and healthy. Tomorrow I am going to have one of my friends take all the formula samples we acquired (like 8 cans) to his church go give to someone in need. Hopefully they will keep another baby or two from being hungry this Christmas.
While we were still in the hospital one of my Aunts, who had also lost a baby, suggested that we plan to get out of town for a week or soon as soon as we could. We talked to the doctor about it and she also thought it was a good idea as long as I made sure to rest and heal while we were gone. Well, thanks to my mom and brothers we were able to make that suggestion a reality. I was able to sit on a warm beach for a week, rather sit on the couch looking out at the frigid Idaho winter. It was wonderful for multiple reasons. Since I went on bedrest July 15, I missed most of the summer, my favorite time of year. It also removed us from the reminders and the sorrow and reminded us that the world is still a beautiful place and we can still have a good time. This is not to say that we forgot about Kyler while we were there, we thought about him every day, but the horribleness of the whole situation was more muted. While we were there we went out on a deserted beach in the middle of a storm and released rose petals in memory of Kyler. We were meaning to just put them in the ocean, but as we opened the container the wind picked up and spread them all down the beach and in the water. It was a beautiful flurry of rose petals. It was perfect.
Even though we are not in much of a Christmas mood this year we both decided to put in a little bit of effort towards celebrating. We both really like decorating so we decided even if we didn't do anything else this year we needed to decorate the house, yard and get a tree. Since we were gone, we didn't get a chance to get the tree up until this week but I am glad we did it. Before we left we ordered a personalized ornament for Kyler and we think it is perfect.
I'm not sure how Christmas will go this year but I am sure Kyler wouldn't want us not not celebrate it.
- I haven't started smoking again
- I haven't started drinking again
- I haven't been abusing the sedatives and narcotics that were prescribed to me
- I haven't allowed myself to stay in bed all day every day
- I haven't allowed myself to isolate
It's only been about 6 weeks since we lost Kyler, so I think we are doing great.
We have done just a couple other things. My husband has a co-worker who had a baby with in weeks of when we had Kyler, and his co-worker was struggling with being able to buy a carseat/stroller set. We gave him Kyler's. We are glad it is going to good use and keeping another precious little baby safe. We have a friend who lives down the street who just had a baby in July. We were able to give her Kyler's movement/sound monitor and breast pump. Again, we love that we were able to keep another baby safe and healthy. Tomorrow I am going to have one of my friends take all the formula samples we acquired (like 8 cans) to his church go give to someone in need. Hopefully they will keep another baby or two from being hungry this Christmas.
While we were still in the hospital one of my Aunts, who had also lost a baby, suggested that we plan to get out of town for a week or soon as soon as we could. We talked to the doctor about it and she also thought it was a good idea as long as I made sure to rest and heal while we were gone. Well, thanks to my mom and brothers we were able to make that suggestion a reality. I was able to sit on a warm beach for a week, rather sit on the couch looking out at the frigid Idaho winter. It was wonderful for multiple reasons. Since I went on bedrest July 15, I missed most of the summer, my favorite time of year. It also removed us from the reminders and the sorrow and reminded us that the world is still a beautiful place and we can still have a good time. This is not to say that we forgot about Kyler while we were there, we thought about him every day, but the horribleness of the whole situation was more muted. While we were there we went out on a deserted beach in the middle of a storm and released rose petals in memory of Kyler. We were meaning to just put them in the ocean, but as we opened the container the wind picked up and spread them all down the beach and in the water. It was a beautiful flurry of rose petals. It was perfect.
Even though we are not in much of a Christmas mood this year we both decided to put in a little bit of effort towards celebrating. We both really like decorating so we decided even if we didn't do anything else this year we needed to decorate the house, yard and get a tree. Since we were gone, we didn't get a chance to get the tree up until this week but I am glad we did it. Before we left we ordered a personalized ornament for Kyler and we think it is perfect.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Learning from Kyler and Ranon
As I said, over the past few years my husband and I have been really lucky. About the time we got the house and our dog, Ranon, I started realizing how much I have to be thankful for. In the last few weeks we have been and always will be working hard to honor Kyler and prove there is a meaning to his short life. We think that his short life is part of a bigger plan. We aren't sure exactly what we are supposed to do but we are sure that being closer to each other and helping others is part of it.
At the beginning of the month (before Kyler died) I started thinking about all I had to be thankful for this year. Of course, at that time, I thought that one of the big things was going to be a healthy happy baby after such a difficult pregnancy. That's not how it worked out, but still I have a lot to be thankful for.
I am thankful for:
I have an awesome husband who loves me. We support each other even during the most unthinkably challenging times.
I have wonderful family and friends who supported us during my difficult pregnancy and continue to support us after losing Kyler
I have the cutest puppy in the world who has spent every day that I have been stuck in the house right next to me.
I have a good job with bosses and co-workers who have been very understanding and supportive, along with good insurance and disability pay.
We have a couple of good reliable cars, a nice cozy home.
And most of all I am a mom to Kyler who we believe is our guardian angel now.
Ranon is our "first baby." We rescued him from the pound nearly 3 years ago. He is one of the sweetest dogs around. He just has this happy go lucky personality where you can tell that he knows that he has an awesome life. It seems that he was abused by his previous family, but 99% of the time he doesn't let that effect him. He can make us smile when nothing else can and I believe is a shining example of how life should be lived. Don't let your past define your presence and future, use what has happened in the past to learn how to live your life better and be grateful for what you have now.
At the beginning of the month (before Kyler died) I started thinking about all I had to be thankful for this year. Of course, at that time, I thought that one of the big things was going to be a healthy happy baby after such a difficult pregnancy. That's not how it worked out, but still I have a lot to be thankful for.
I am thankful for:
I have an awesome husband who loves me. We support each other even during the most unthinkably challenging times.
I have wonderful family and friends who supported us during my difficult pregnancy and continue to support us after losing Kyler
I have the cutest puppy in the world who has spent every day that I have been stuck in the house right next to me.
I have a good job with bosses and co-workers who have been very understanding and supportive, along with good insurance and disability pay.
We have a couple of good reliable cars, a nice cozy home.
And most of all I am a mom to Kyler who we believe is our guardian angel now.
Ranon is our "first baby." We rescued him from the pound nearly 3 years ago. He is one of the sweetest dogs around. He just has this happy go lucky personality where you can tell that he knows that he has an awesome life. It seems that he was abused by his previous family, but 99% of the time he doesn't let that effect him. He can make us smile when nothing else can and I believe is a shining example of how life should be lived. Don't let your past define your presence and future, use what has happened in the past to learn how to live your life better and be grateful for what you have now.
The new normal after Kyler
Since the funeral life has been changing to a new normal. My husband went back to work the Monday after the funeral. We kind of needed him to since he is working a temp job right now and doesn't get paid if he doesn't go to work, but I also think it has helped him a little. I've been working on physically healing from the c-section. The first 3 weeks were pretty rough but I am finally getting off the pain medicine and I can do things for myself again. I should get 8 weeks off of work since I had a c-section so I probably will go back to work on Jan 1. I think the time off will be good for me as long as I can keep busy.
Life has been weird, it is so similar to how it was before, but so different at the same time. We moved most of Kyler's things into his room so the house seems the same as it was before we got pregnant. There are a few reminders of him around though. There are some helium balloons in the corner of the living room left over from his baby shower, one of them is still floating two months later. His baby shampoo is still in the tub. His cradle is still in our room and our nightstand still packed with newborn diapers and wipes. We've also left his room pretty much the same as it was. Right now I feel like we'll leave everything just as it is forever, waiting for him. I am sure that will change eventually but right now, I like the reminders that we were ready for him. We had to work hard to be ready for him since I was on bedrest for most of the second half of my pregnancy, but we had finally finished getting everything ready the day before he was born.
Laying Kyler to rest
We came home from the hospital on a Wednesday. My husband had been able to take the whole week off work, so we spent the remainder of the week comforting each other and planning Kyler's funeral. While we were in the hospital my husband and I discussed where we wanted to lay Kyler to rest and found that we had the exact same idea. There is a cemetery near where we live that both of us have always liked. I know it sounds weird but the whole front part of this cemetery only allows flat gravestones, it has a big pond with a fountain that always has geese, ducks, swans and their babies in the spring, and they even keep reindeer there that they take to local events in the winter for children to see and pet. It just looks like a big beautiful park. Clay and I both wanted Kyler to be there with the reindeer, ducks, geese and swans.
When we first went to the cemetery we were discouraged. They started by showing us full size plots in the adult sections, which is not what we wanted. We finally asked to see some in the baby section and found the perfect place. We found out one of the baby sections is right in front of that pond with all the ducks, geese and swans, and they had a spot right at the edge of the pond under a big aspen tree. We both knew immediately it was the most perfect spot in the world for him.
We had a service for Kyler the Saturday after he was born. It was a beautiful late fall day. My husband and I both wrote letters to Kyler that the Chaplin read. Both of our immediate families came. It was everything we could have hoped for.
After the funeral we had to start functioning in our new normal.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Meeting Kyler
I was so scared to meet Kyler. I was scared of what he would look like and how I would feel. Our wonderful nurse pushed us to hold him, she said that after her experience knows she would have regretted not meeting her baby. We agreed to meet him. Clay held him first. Kyler was beautiful. After Clay held him for a few minutes, I was ready to hold him myself. The previous month or so I had fallen into a lot of self doubt, I wasn't sure I could be a parent, was even doubting that it was what I really wanted. The minute I held him, that all went away. I knew I could have done it, I knew it is what I wanted, I knew I was meant to be a mom. We only spent a little bit of time with him then as we were really emotionally and physically exhausted. We turned him over to our wonderful nurse and got settled into our new room for the night.
The nurse took him and weighed him, gave him a bath, took all his measurements, took foot and hand prints and took pictures of him for us that she put on a CD for us to look at later.
The next night we had him brought back to us and had a professional photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep come in and take pictures of all of us. When they had first offered to do the pictures I was a bit taken aback and said no, but then as I thought about it, I realized we would never get the chance to take pictures with my baby again. I knew I wouldn't be ready to look at the pictures right away, but I realized we could just put them away for how ever long we wanted and then look a them. We also had a hand and a foot cast done of him by a local company who donates the service to parents who have lost infants.
We saw Kyler for the last time on our third night in the hospital. We had a chaplin and CNA, both of whom had lost babies and were very comforting, come in with us and we spent some more time with him, talked to him, and said good-bye.
The next day I was discharged.
The nurse took him and weighed him, gave him a bath, took all his measurements, took foot and hand prints and took pictures of him for us that she put on a CD for us to look at later.
The next night we had him brought back to us and had a professional photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep come in and take pictures of all of us. When they had first offered to do the pictures I was a bit taken aback and said no, but then as I thought about it, I realized we would never get the chance to take pictures with my baby again. I knew I wouldn't be ready to look at the pictures right away, but I realized we could just put them away for how ever long we wanted and then look a them. We also had a hand and a foot cast done of him by a local company who donates the service to parents who have lost infants.
We saw Kyler for the last time on our third night in the hospital. We had a chaplin and CNA, both of whom had lost babies and were very comforting, come in with us and we spent some more time with him, talked to him, and said good-bye.
The next day I was discharged.
Delivering Kyler
The doctors told me that I would have to deliver Kyler and that the safest way to do that would be a normal delivery. They said that I could either go home and wait for labor to start or they could induce me. We opted to induce. At that point we were wanting to get that horrible part over with as soon as possible. They said they couldn't sedate me, but they did want to make me as comfortable as possible. The Chaplin came in and helped Clay and I make those awful phone calls to our parents, and let them know that we just wanted to be alone for the delivery. The doctor broke my water and let me take a bath to calm down a little. When I was ready they started giving me pitocin to bring on contractions. As soon as I got the slightest bit uncomfortable they had the anesthesiologist there to get my epidural going. Most of the early labor was not that bad, but then I stopped progressing at 6cm. The pitocin was causing me to have very strong regular contractions but nothing was changing. They started to worry that the contractions were too strong and would damage my uterus so they had to back off on the pitocin, and started talking csection.
The nurses did a shift change that evening and our new nurse came in to introduce herself. I am not sure what her name was, but she was wonderful. She had also lost a baby and really understood what we were going through. She worked hard to prepare us for what was to come. She came in and gave me a project bear which I held tight to the first week afterwards, she also gave us a memory box in which we could store all his things from the hospital, a hat for him and a pair of matching blankets so we could send one with him and keep one for us. She urged us to think about holding him after we had him.
We decided to wait an hour to see if there was any more change before we committed to the csection. During that hour my epidural slipped and wore off. The anesthesiologist tried to get it working again but he couldn't. I hadn't changed much during the hour so at that point we decided since I was in pain, wasn't progressing, and wasn't prepared to deal with hours of pushing if I did start progressing again, we would do the csection.
The hospital and doctor were wonderful, they let my husband stay with me the entire time I was in surgery. They had a lot of trouble getting the spinal block in but persisted which was safer for me and meant my husband could stay with me. Kyler was delivered with out any fanfare. I was patched back up and taken back to our room.
Once back in our room the wonderful nurse brought Kyler for us to meet.
The nurses did a shift change that evening and our new nurse came in to introduce herself. I am not sure what her name was, but she was wonderful. She had also lost a baby and really understood what we were going through. She worked hard to prepare us for what was to come. She came in and gave me a project bear which I held tight to the first week afterwards, she also gave us a memory box in which we could store all his things from the hospital, a hat for him and a pair of matching blankets so we could send one with him and keep one for us. She urged us to think about holding him after we had him.
We decided to wait an hour to see if there was any more change before we committed to the csection. During that hour my epidural slipped and wore off. The anesthesiologist tried to get it working again but he couldn't. I hadn't changed much during the hour so at that point we decided since I was in pain, wasn't progressing, and wasn't prepared to deal with hours of pushing if I did start progressing again, we would do the csection.
The hospital and doctor were wonderful, they let my husband stay with me the entire time I was in surgery. They had a lot of trouble getting the spinal block in but persisted which was safer for me and meant my husband could stay with me. Kyler was delivered with out any fanfare. I was patched back up and taken back to our room.
Once back in our room the wonderful nurse brought Kyler for us to meet.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Kyler's Story
My husband and I got married over 4 years ago. From the beginning we knew we wanted kids, but we wanted to spend a couple years together getting to know each other before we brought kids into the mix. Right about the time we had been married for two years my husband's work offered him voluntary layoff that came with some awesome perks. His layoff package included a severance, 2 years of school and unemployment as long as he was in school. We decided we couldn't pass up the opportunity, but that we would need to wait until he was done with school before we had kids. I worked on getting healthy during the next year and a half and lost nearly 80lbs so I would have a better chance of conceiving and having a healthy pregnancy. The two years he was in school flew by and January 2011 we decided he was close enough to graduating that we could start trying. By the beginning of March we were pregnant and our due date was Nov 13.
My first trimester was fairly uneventful. I was nauseous nearly all day every day. The only thing that helped with the nausea was eating so I gained quite a bit of weight quickly, but I still felt good overall. It looked like I was just going to have a normal pregnancy,
On July 15th everything changed suddenly. My husband and I went in for our 22 week ultrasound to find out if it was a girl or a boy. Quickly we were able to determine it was a boy, he wasn't shy at all, but then the tech measured my cervix and said it looked like it was a lot shorter then it should be. She took a bunch more measurements of it and told us that she wasn't exactly sure what it meant but that at the very least we would have to be monitored more. She told us the doctor would look at the measurements and tell us more and sent us back to the waiting room. A couple minutes later the doctor called us back. She handed me a tissue as I sat down, I was so confused, I had no idea what was going on, we didn't think it was that serious. The doctor explained a little about what was going on and told us she was sending me to the hospital so they could monitor me and see if I was in labor. Minutes later one of the transport guys from the hospital showed up with a wheelchair to take me straight to the hospital.
It took most of the day in the hospital for it to set in that this was a big problem. In fact my husband went to work after he got me settled in the hospital because we didn't think it was that big of a deal and he had just started a new job we really needed him to keep. That first evening a high risk doctor came in and explained to me in no uncertain terms how serious this was for both the baby and I.
After they monitored me for 24 hours they determined I wasn't in labor and was a good candidate for a cerclage. A cerclage is a stitch they put in around the cervix like a purse string to help keep it closed. The high risk doctor checked me one more time before taking me to surgery and found that the baby's amniotic sac was already bulging out of my cervix. He said he still wanted to try the cerclage, but was very pessimistic that he could get it put in with out breaking my water. We decided to go ahead and try the cerclage anyway, and it was a SUCCESS! The doctor had been able to push the baby's sac back where it was supposed to be with a catheter before he put in the stitch. I was monitored in the hospital for another day and a half before I was sent home with orders to be on strict bed rest. I also had weekly doctor appointments with ultrasounds most weeks, weekly progesterone shots, and pills to control contractions.
As soon as they heard I was going to be on strict bed rest my family worked out a schedule where I would never have to be by myself. Every day just as my husband was leaving for work someone would show up and they would stay with me until he got off work, even though he often worked until midnight or later. They cooked me dinner, brought me anything I needed, and most of all kept me company. With their help, I was able to follow my strict bed rest orders to a T. For 11.5 weeks I only got up to use the restroom and take one shower a day. I only left the house to go to my weekly doctor appointments. The whole time I was on bed rest I worried about the baby, whom we had named Kyler Matthew. Every braxton hicks contraction or pain would remind me we weren't out of the woods yet.
At 31 weeks I got steroid shots to help his lungs develop in case he was born early. At 34 weeks my doctor told me we were pretty much out of the woods and changed me to modified bedrest where I was allowed to get up for half of the day. She said at that point if I went into labor she wouldn't try to stop it. At the end of my 36th week she removed the cerclage and I was removed from all restrictions. I was sure as soon as she removed the cerclage that I would go into labor, but I didn't. Since my doctor had removed all restrictions from me and Kyler was considered full term, there was no reason for me to stay out of work. On the Monday of my 37th week, I went back to work.
My work was awesome about letting me come back. I work in a call center and was worried about having to focus on calls after not having to think for 14 weeks, especially between contractions, Kyler headbutting me, and frequent bathroom breaks, but my boss understood and set me up to work on projects off the phone while I was back. I felt a lot better then I thought I would. I was tired after work but it wasn't too bad. I worked for two weeks.
On Saturday Nov 5th I watched an episode of "Secretly Pregnant" (one of my guilty pleasure shows from the time I was on bedrest). This particular episode was about a lady who was hiding her pregnancy because her last pregnancy had ended in a still birth. She talked about her experience with the still birth and I thought how horrible that was and wondered if that could happen to me. I started to worry about it and was trying to think when the last time I felt Kyler move was and then he got the hiccups... what a relief! Later that night I didn't think that I had felt him move in a while, but I was sure I was just being paranoid after watching that show. Sometimes he would be quieter then others, surely he was okay. I tried to do some kick counts but kept falling asleep. Again I was sure I was being paranoid so we went to bed.
The next morning I woke up and got breakfast and he didn't move after breakfast, he almost always moved after breakfast. My husband and I agreed we should go down and get him checked, just for our peace of mind. We got to the hospital and they tried to find his heart beat with the doppler but they couldn't. My heart started racing, this couldn't be true! They called in an ultrasound and she couldn't find a heartbeat either. The nurses tried to assure me that they were not experts with the ultrasound and that we shouldn't think the worst until the doctor got there, but I knew they weren't going to find it. The oncall doctor came in and confirmed that Kyler didn't have a heartbeat. It seemed like it was all a dream. They moved me to labor and delivery and called my regular doctor. She dropped everything and came to support me at the hospital, even though it wasn't her weekend to be oncall. Once she got there we started making a plan for delivering Kyler.
My first trimester was fairly uneventful. I was nauseous nearly all day every day. The only thing that helped with the nausea was eating so I gained quite a bit of weight quickly, but I still felt good overall. It looked like I was just going to have a normal pregnancy,
On July 15th everything changed suddenly. My husband and I went in for our 22 week ultrasound to find out if it was a girl or a boy. Quickly we were able to determine it was a boy, he wasn't shy at all, but then the tech measured my cervix and said it looked like it was a lot shorter then it should be. She took a bunch more measurements of it and told us that she wasn't exactly sure what it meant but that at the very least we would have to be monitored more. She told us the doctor would look at the measurements and tell us more and sent us back to the waiting room. A couple minutes later the doctor called us back. She handed me a tissue as I sat down, I was so confused, I had no idea what was going on, we didn't think it was that serious. The doctor explained a little about what was going on and told us she was sending me to the hospital so they could monitor me and see if I was in labor. Minutes later one of the transport guys from the hospital showed up with a wheelchair to take me straight to the hospital.
It took most of the day in the hospital for it to set in that this was a big problem. In fact my husband went to work after he got me settled in the hospital because we didn't think it was that big of a deal and he had just started a new job we really needed him to keep. That first evening a high risk doctor came in and explained to me in no uncertain terms how serious this was for both the baby and I.
After they monitored me for 24 hours they determined I wasn't in labor and was a good candidate for a cerclage. A cerclage is a stitch they put in around the cervix like a purse string to help keep it closed. The high risk doctor checked me one more time before taking me to surgery and found that the baby's amniotic sac was already bulging out of my cervix. He said he still wanted to try the cerclage, but was very pessimistic that he could get it put in with out breaking my water. We decided to go ahead and try the cerclage anyway, and it was a SUCCESS! The doctor had been able to push the baby's sac back where it was supposed to be with a catheter before he put in the stitch. I was monitored in the hospital for another day and a half before I was sent home with orders to be on strict bed rest. I also had weekly doctor appointments with ultrasounds most weeks, weekly progesterone shots, and pills to control contractions.
As soon as they heard I was going to be on strict bed rest my family worked out a schedule where I would never have to be by myself. Every day just as my husband was leaving for work someone would show up and they would stay with me until he got off work, even though he often worked until midnight or later. They cooked me dinner, brought me anything I needed, and most of all kept me company. With their help, I was able to follow my strict bed rest orders to a T. For 11.5 weeks I only got up to use the restroom and take one shower a day. I only left the house to go to my weekly doctor appointments. The whole time I was on bed rest I worried about the baby, whom we had named Kyler Matthew. Every braxton hicks contraction or pain would remind me we weren't out of the woods yet.
At 31 weeks I got steroid shots to help his lungs develop in case he was born early. At 34 weeks my doctor told me we were pretty much out of the woods and changed me to modified bedrest where I was allowed to get up for half of the day. She said at that point if I went into labor she wouldn't try to stop it. At the end of my 36th week she removed the cerclage and I was removed from all restrictions. I was sure as soon as she removed the cerclage that I would go into labor, but I didn't. Since my doctor had removed all restrictions from me and Kyler was considered full term, there was no reason for me to stay out of work. On the Monday of my 37th week, I went back to work.
My work was awesome about letting me come back. I work in a call center and was worried about having to focus on calls after not having to think for 14 weeks, especially between contractions, Kyler headbutting me, and frequent bathroom breaks, but my boss understood and set me up to work on projects off the phone while I was back. I felt a lot better then I thought I would. I was tired after work but it wasn't too bad. I worked for two weeks.
On Saturday Nov 5th I watched an episode of "Secretly Pregnant" (one of my guilty pleasure shows from the time I was on bedrest). This particular episode was about a lady who was hiding her pregnancy because her last pregnancy had ended in a still birth. She talked about her experience with the still birth and I thought how horrible that was and wondered if that could happen to me. I started to worry about it and was trying to think when the last time I felt Kyler move was and then he got the hiccups... what a relief! Later that night I didn't think that I had felt him move in a while, but I was sure I was just being paranoid after watching that show. Sometimes he would be quieter then others, surely he was okay. I tried to do some kick counts but kept falling asleep. Again I was sure I was being paranoid so we went to bed.
The next morning I woke up and got breakfast and he didn't move after breakfast, he almost always moved after breakfast. My husband and I agreed we should go down and get him checked, just for our peace of mind. We got to the hospital and they tried to find his heart beat with the doppler but they couldn't. My heart started racing, this couldn't be true! They called in an ultrasound and she couldn't find a heartbeat either. The nurses tried to assure me that they were not experts with the ultrasound and that we shouldn't think the worst until the doctor got there, but I knew they weren't going to find it. The oncall doctor came in and confirmed that Kyler didn't have a heartbeat. It seemed like it was all a dream. They moved me to labor and delivery and called my regular doctor. She dropped everything and came to support me at the hospital, even though it wasn't her weekend to be oncall. Once she got there we started making a plan for delivering Kyler.
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