Learning from Kyler and Ranon

As I said, over the past few years my husband and I have been really lucky.  About the time we got the house and our dog, Ranon, I started realizing how much I have to be thankful for.  In the last few weeks we have been and always will be working hard to honor Kyler and prove there is a meaning to his short life.  We think that his short life is part of a bigger plan.  We aren't sure exactly what we are supposed to do but we are sure that being closer to each other and helping others is part of it.


At the beginning of the month (before Kyler died) I started thinking about all I had to be thankful for this year.  Of course, at that time, I thought that one of the big things was going to be a healthy happy baby after such a difficult pregnancy.  That's not how it worked out, but still I have a lot to be thankful for.  
I am thankful for:
I have an awesome husband who loves me. We support each other even during the most unthinkably challenging times.
I have wonderful family and friends who supported us during my difficult pregnancy and continue to support us after losing Kyler
I have the cutest puppy in the world who has spent every day that I have been stuck in the house right next to me.
I have a good job with bosses and co-workers who have been very understanding and supportive, along with good insurance and disability pay.
We have a couple of good reliable cars, a nice cozy home.
And most of all I am a mom to Kyler who we believe is our guardian angel now.


Ranon is our "first baby."  We rescued him from the pound nearly 3 years ago.  He is one of the sweetest dogs around.  He just has this happy go lucky personality where you can tell that he knows that he has an awesome life.  It seems that he was abused by his previous family, but 99% of the time he doesn't let that effect him.  He can make us smile when nothing else can and I believe is a shining example of how life should be lived.  Don't let your past define your presence and future, use what has happened in the past to learn how to live your life better and be grateful for what you have now.


   

The new normal after Kyler

Since the funeral life has been changing to a new normal.  My husband went back to work the Monday after the funeral.  We kind of needed him to since he is working a temp job right now and doesn't get paid if he doesn't go to work, but I also think it has helped him a little.  I've been working on physically healing from the c-section.  The first 3 weeks were pretty rough but I am finally getting off the pain medicine and I can do things for myself again.  I should get 8 weeks off of work since I had a c-section so I probably will go back to work on Jan 1.  I think the time off will be good for me as long as I can keep busy.

Life has been weird, it is so similar to how it was before, but so different at the same time.  We moved most of Kyler's things into his room so the house seems the same as it was before we got pregnant.  There are a few reminders of him around though.  There are some helium balloons in the corner of the living room left over from his baby shower, one of them is still floating two months later.  His baby shampoo is still in the tub.  His cradle is still in our room and our nightstand still packed with newborn diapers and wipes.  We've also left his room pretty much the same as it was.  Right now I feel like we'll leave everything just as it is forever, waiting for him.  I am sure that will change eventually but right now, I like the reminders that we were ready for him.  We had to work hard to be ready for him since I was on bedrest for most of the second half of my pregnancy, but we had finally finished getting everything ready the day before he was born.

Laying Kyler to rest

We came home from the hospital on a Wednesday.  My husband had been able to take the whole week off work, so we spent the remainder of the week comforting each other and planning Kyler's funeral.  While we were in the hospital my husband and I discussed where we wanted to lay Kyler to rest and found that we had the exact same idea.  There is a cemetery near where we live that both of us have always liked.  I know it sounds weird but the whole front part of this cemetery only allows flat gravestones, it has a big pond with a fountain that always has geese, ducks, swans and their babies in the spring, and they even keep reindeer there that they take to local events in the winter for children to see and pet.  It just looks like a big beautiful park.  Clay and I both wanted Kyler to be there with the reindeer, ducks, geese and swans.

When we first went to the cemetery we were discouraged.  They started by showing us full size plots in the adult sections, which is not what we wanted.  We finally asked to see some in the baby section and found the perfect place.  We found out one of the baby sections is right in front of that pond with all the ducks, geese and swans, and they had a spot right at the edge of the pond under a big aspen tree.  We both knew immediately it was the most perfect spot in the world for him.

We had a service for Kyler the Saturday after he was born.  It was a beautiful late fall day.  My husband and I both wrote letters to Kyler that the Chaplin read.  Both of our immediate families came.  It was everything we could have hoped for.

After the funeral we had to start functioning in our new normal.

Meeting Kyler

I was so scared to meet Kyler.  I was scared of what he would look like and how I would feel.  Our wonderful nurse pushed us to hold him, she said that after her experience knows she would have regretted not meeting her baby.  We agreed to meet him.  Clay held him first.  Kyler was beautiful.  After Clay held him for a few minutes, I was ready to hold him myself.  The previous month or so I had fallen into a lot of self doubt, I wasn't sure I could be a parent, was even doubting that it was what I really wanted.  The minute I held him, that all went away.  I knew I could have done it, I knew it is what I wanted, I knew I was meant to be a mom.  We only spent a little bit of time with him then as we were really emotionally and physically exhausted.  We turned him over to our wonderful nurse and got settled into our new room for the night.

The nurse took him and weighed him, gave him a bath, took all his measurements, took foot and hand prints and took pictures of him for us that she put on a CD for us to look at later.

The next night we had him brought back to us and had a professional photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep come in and take pictures of all of us.  When they had first offered to do the pictures I was a bit taken aback and said no, but then as I thought about it, I realized we would never get the chance to take pictures with my baby again.  I knew I wouldn't be ready to look at the pictures right away, but I realized we could just put them away for how ever long we wanted and then look a them.  We also had a hand and a foot cast done of him by a local company who donates the service to parents who have lost infants.

We saw Kyler for the last time on our third night in the hospital.  We had a chaplin and CNA, both of whom had lost babies and were very comforting, come in with us and we spent some more time with him, talked to him, and said good-bye.

The next day I was discharged.

Delivering Kyler

The doctors told me that I would have to deliver Kyler and that the safest way to do that would be a normal delivery.  They said that I could either go home and wait for labor to start or they could induce me.  We opted to induce.  At that point we were wanting to get that horrible part over with as soon as possible.  They said they couldn't sedate me, but they did want to make me as comfortable as possible.  The Chaplin came in and helped Clay and I make those awful phone calls to our parents, and let them know that we just wanted to be alone for the delivery.  The doctor broke my water and let me take a bath to calm down a little.  When I was ready they started giving me pitocin to bring on contractions.  As soon as I got the slightest bit uncomfortable they had the anesthesiologist there to get my epidural going.  Most of the early labor was not that bad, but then I stopped progressing at 6cm.  The pitocin was causing me to have very strong regular contractions but nothing was changing.  They started to worry that the contractions were too strong and would damage my uterus so they had to back off on the pitocin, and started talking csection.

The nurses did a shift change that evening and our new nurse came in to introduce herself.  I am not sure what her name was, but she was wonderful.  She had also lost a baby and really understood what we were going through.  She worked hard to prepare us for what was to come.  She came in and gave me a project bear which I held tight to the first week afterwards, she also gave us a memory box in which we could store all his things from the hospital, a hat for him and a pair of matching blankets so we could send one with him and keep one for us.  She urged us to think about holding him after we had him.

We decided to wait an hour to see if there was any more change before we committed to the csection.  During that hour my epidural slipped and wore off.  The anesthesiologist tried to get it working again but he couldn't.  I hadn't changed much during the hour so at that point we decided since I was in pain, wasn't progressing, and wasn't prepared to deal with hours of pushing if I did start progressing again, we would do the csection.

The hospital and doctor were wonderful, they let my husband stay with me the entire time I was in surgery.  They had a lot of trouble getting the spinal block in but persisted which was safer for me and meant my husband could stay with me.  Kyler was delivered with out any fanfare.  I was patched back up and taken back to our room.

Once back in our room the wonderful nurse brought Kyler for us to meet.

Kyler's Story

My husband and I got married over 4 years ago.  From the beginning we knew we wanted kids, but we wanted to spend a couple years together getting to know each other before we brought kids into the mix.  Right about the time we had been married for two years my husband's work offered him voluntary layoff that came with some awesome perks.  His layoff package included a severance, 2 years of school and unemployment as long as he was in school.  We decided we couldn't pass up the opportunity, but that we would need to wait until he was done with school before we had kids.  I worked on getting healthy during the next year and a half and lost nearly 80lbs so I would have a better chance of conceiving and having a healthy pregnancy.  The two years he was in school flew by and January 2011 we decided he was close enough to graduating that we could start trying.  By the beginning of March we were pregnant and our due date was Nov 13.

My first trimester was fairly uneventful.  I was nauseous nearly all day every day.  The only thing that helped with the nausea was eating so I gained quite a bit of weight quickly, but I still felt good overall.  It looked like I was just going to have a normal pregnancy,

On July 15th everything changed suddenly.  My husband and I went in for our 22 week ultrasound to find out if it was a girl or a boy.  Quickly we were able to determine it was a boy, he wasn't shy at all, but then the tech measured my cervix and said it looked like it was a lot shorter then it should be.  She took a bunch more measurements of it and told us that she wasn't exactly sure what it meant but that at the very least we would have to be monitored more.  She told us the doctor would look at the measurements and tell us more and sent us back to the waiting room.  A couple minutes later the doctor called us back.  She handed me a tissue as I sat down, I was so confused, I had no idea what was going on, we didn't think it was that serious.  The doctor explained a little about what was going on and told us she was sending me to the hospital so they could monitor me and see if I was in labor.  Minutes later one of the transport guys from the hospital showed up with a wheelchair to take me straight to the hospital.

It took most of the day in the hospital for it to set in that this was a big problem.  In fact my husband went to work after he got me settled in the hospital because we didn't think it was that big of a deal and he had just started a new job we really needed him to keep.  That first evening a high risk doctor came in and explained to me in no uncertain terms how serious this was for both the baby and I.

After they monitored me for 24 hours they determined I wasn't in labor and was a good candidate for a cerclage.  A cerclage is a stitch they put in around the cervix like a purse string to help keep it closed.  The high risk doctor checked me one more time before taking me to surgery and found that the baby's amniotic sac was already bulging out of my cervix.  He said he still wanted to try the cerclage, but was very pessimistic that he could get it put in with out breaking my water.  We decided to go ahead and try the cerclage anyway, and it was a SUCCESS!  The doctor had been able to push the baby's sac back where it was supposed to be with a catheter before he put in the stitch.  I was monitored in the hospital for another day and a half before I was sent home with orders to be on strict bed rest.  I also had weekly doctor appointments with ultrasounds most weeks, weekly progesterone shots, and pills to control contractions.

As soon as they heard I was going to be on strict bed rest my family worked out a schedule where I would never have to be by myself.  Every day just as my husband was leaving for work someone would show up and they would stay with me until he got off work, even though he often worked until midnight or later.  They cooked me dinner, brought me anything I needed, and most of all kept me company.  With their help, I was able to follow my strict bed rest orders to a T.  For 11.5 weeks I only got up to use the restroom and take one shower a day.  I only left the house to go to my weekly doctor appointments.  The whole time I was on bed rest I worried about the baby, whom we had named Kyler Matthew.  Every braxton hicks contraction or pain would remind me we weren't out of the woods yet.

At 31 weeks I got steroid shots to help his lungs develop in case he was born early.  At 34 weeks my doctor told me we were pretty much out of the woods and changed me to modified bedrest where I was allowed to get up for half of the day.  She said at that point if I went into labor she wouldn't try to stop it.  At the end of my 36th week she removed the cerclage and I was removed from all restrictions.  I was sure as soon as she removed the cerclage that I would go into labor, but I didn't.  Since my doctor had removed all restrictions from me and Kyler was considered full term, there was no reason for me to stay out of work.  On the Monday of my 37th week, I went back to work.

My work was awesome about letting me come back.  I work in a call center and was worried about having to focus on calls after not having to think for 14 weeks, especially between contractions, Kyler headbutting me, and frequent bathroom breaks, but my boss understood and set me up to work on projects off the phone while I was back.  I felt a lot better then I thought I would.  I was tired after work but it wasn't too bad.  I worked for two weeks.

On Saturday Nov 5th I watched an episode of "Secretly Pregnant" (one of my guilty pleasure shows from the time I was on bedrest).  This particular episode was about a lady who was hiding her pregnancy because her last pregnancy had ended in a still birth.  She talked about her experience with the still birth and I thought how horrible that was and wondered if that could happen to me.  I started to worry about it and was trying to think when the last time I felt Kyler move was and then he got the hiccups... what a relief!  Later that night I didn't think that I had felt him move in a while, but I was sure I was just being paranoid after watching that show.  Sometimes he would be quieter then others, surely he was okay.  I tried to do some kick counts but kept falling asleep.  Again I was sure I was being paranoid so we went to bed.

The next morning I woke up and got breakfast and he didn't move after breakfast, he almost always moved after breakfast.  My husband and I agreed we should go down and get him checked, just for our peace of mind.  We got to the hospital and they tried to find his heart beat with the doppler but they couldn't.  My heart started racing, this couldn't be true!  They called in an ultrasound and she couldn't find a heartbeat either.  The nurses tried to assure me that they were not experts with the ultrasound and that we shouldn't think the worst until the doctor got there, but I knew they weren't going to find it.  The oncall doctor came in and confirmed that Kyler didn't have a heartbeat.  It seemed like it was all a dream.  They moved me to labor and delivery and called my regular doctor.  She dropped everything and came to support me at the hospital, even though it wasn't her weekend to be oncall.  Once she got there we started making a plan for delivering Kyler.