Kyler's Headstone

Kyler's headstone finally came in.  It was one of those things I never thought about.  Headstones don't just appear.  Of course it takes a while to have a headstone made.  After all they are all "custom."  We thought it would be in before Christmas.  They had told us it would take 6-8 weeks for them to get it in.  Christmas came and went and we just kept waiting and waiting.  Finally Clay called them this week and they said that it had come in this week and they had already set it.  We're pretty angry that they didn't call us like they were supposed to when it came in, but I guess that doesn't really matter.  What matters is he finally has a headstone.  He was in an unmarked grave for nearly 12 weeks which bothered me immensely.  It was like he didn't exist.  There was just a bare square of dirt where we buried him.  He didn't even have a temporary marker.  Looking back, I'm sure we could have gotten a temporary marker for him, if we'd asked, but that wasn't the kind of thing either of us thought about asking for.  We are not impressed with the cemetery staff but now we are pretty much done with them.  They do a good job with maintenance and that is all we really need from them now.  Again, what matters is the headstone is there now, it is beautiful and perfect.  He did exist even if briefly.  Here's the headstone we picked out for him.

Work Decisions

I've been back at work for almost a month now.  When I went back my boss and I agreed I would train some new employees for the first little bit and then we would decide what I was going to do after that.  I've been wavering back and forth on what I want to do for the past 4 weeks.  Next week is the last week of training so I really needed to make a decision this week.  I've been taking phone calls this week while the noobies are trained by someone else and I kind of like it.  It is nice to just be responsible for myself and not be involved in a lot of the work drama.  I have found that at this point in my life working 5 days a week is not realistic for me.  It takes so much effort to just get up, dressed and to work that doing it 5 days in a row is almost impossible.  I need to work four 10 hour days so I can have a day off in the middle of the week.  I went and talked to my boss about it today and told him I would either take calls or be a mentor, whatever they wanted, but I really needed 10 hour shifts.  We worked it out where I am going to be taking calls.  That will be nice.  I don't have to worry about what anyone else is doing and I can just do my job, which I do well.  He also agreed to the four 10 hour shifts.  I will have Saturday and Sunday off with Clay and then Wednesday off by myself.  This will leave me a day that I can hide under the covers with Ranon and recharge if I need to or go to counseling appointments, doctor appointments, or spend hours in the gym.  I'm excited we got this worked out.  I was having a hard time deciding what I wanted, but I think this is best.  My schedule is going to cause a bit of a ruckus at work because you are supposed to have to work a weekend day if you are working four 10's.  I don't like a bunch of special treatment but I need this.  Screw anyone who gets pissed over my schedule.  I think I'll be happy and more functional with it.

I made an appointment to go to a different counselor today.  My regular doctor referred me to her.  I think I am going to like her.  I've only set up the appointment but she actually called me back herself and asked me some questions about why I was coming in before she scheduled my appointment.  The other counselor was hard to get a hold of and I didn't feel a lot of interest from her.  I am excited about going to the new counselor, she seemed super nice and interested over the phone.  I think I am going to go to the first few sessions by myself.  Maybe I'll have Clay come to one later.

Matthew

When we went into the hospital in July, we didn't have a name picked out yet.  We had been waiting until we knew if it was a boy or a girl to even really discuss names.  We had only known that it was a boy for 30 minutes or so before we were admitted to the hospital.  As I was being wheeled into surgery, I remember thinking how horrible it would be if he died with out a name.  Everything went well and then we were so focused on saving the baby we didn't talk about names for a few weeks after I came home.  We went through and each picked a list of names we liked and then went through each other's lists.  We got the lists narrowed down to two, one I had picked and one Clay had picked.  We ended up going with the name I had picked, Kyler, because it was less common and easier to spell.  Kyler didn't mean anything special.  I just really liked the name Kyle but thought it was a little to plain and popular.  I figured with Kyler he'd have a few options.  If he wanted he could be called Kyle or Ky.  It was such a relief to have a first name, we didn't even want to think about middle names.  He was just Kyler no middle name Ottley for a couple months.  It was after we were "out of the woods" that we picked his middle name.  I think we actually decided on Matthew after I was released from bedrest.  After making it through such a difficult pregnancy (we thought), we wanted his middle name to mean something.  We were looking at names that strength, gift, fighter.  Clay got to make the final decision on the middle name since I "won" with the first name.  Clay decided on Matthew meaning "Gift of God".  It was perfect.  After Kyler was stillborn we decided to keep the name we had decided upon.  It was his, we had picked it for him.  I'm glad we kept it.  Even if he died he was still a gift from god.

I'll keep my own problems

"If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back."  I think it was a few months ago that I remember hearing that quote for the first time, I'm not exactly sure time has been kind of melting together for the last 6 months.  I am sure there are some people's problems I would trade for in a heart beat right now, but there sure are a lot that I would choose to keep mine.  My blog was added to a directory of infant loss blogs today, and I spent the last couple hours reading through some of the other blogs.  At least in the world of Angel Mama's, I'll keep my own problems.  My experience is mine, and I am living through it.  I can't imagine going through what some of these other mom's did.  I didn't have to spend half of my pregnancy knowing that my baby would die as soon as he was delivered, if not before.  I know in my heart there is nothing I could have done to save Kyler, I don't spend days thinking what if.  Yep, I'll keep my own problems.

Snow Day

So I didn't make it to work today.  I've been having a rough few days and I had to go to a doctor appointment before work today.  The doctor changed around some of my medicine to see if we can get better control of some of my anxiety and panic.  I know pills aren't going to make everything better, but they can help me function better.  Talking to the doctor on top of the rough few days and the stress of driving in the snow just set me off.  I couldn't deal with driving another 7 miles or so to work, trying to function all day at work on a day I just want to hide under the covers and cry, and driving back home in the muck.  I called in.  I hate calling in.  I hate having to have other people cover my work for me.  I don't think I had much of a choice though.  I don't think the day would have went well if I had gone in.  I laid on the couch and cried until my anxiety pills kicked in.  Hopefully the new medicine he put me on will help me be a little more stable.  I should make it to work tomorrow.  I think the day off will help me recharge.  I might even go out and play in the snow with the dog.  I've got two and a half more weeks of training before we have to decide what my everyday job is going to be, and if I need to change my schedule.  I think that I'm going to have to push for four 10 hour days so I can work 2 days at a time and then have a day off.  I think I will make it to work more often if I only have to go through 2 days at a time.  We'll see what happens.

Everything is not okay.

Clay are making a conscious effort to live our lives.  We get out of bed, go to work, go to some friendly functions.  We put on the happy face so we don't have to answer a lot of questions.  But it is not all okay.  We spent the last 4 years of our lives planning the day we'd have a baby.  We spent 14 weeks petrified that we were going to lose Kyler.  Then just when it looked like everything was going to work out our lives were completely shattered.  All the plans we had made were pointless.  You would not believe how much energy it takes some days to just get out of bed, show up somewhere and be present.

Yes, I make it to work every day.  I haven't been complaining about working and some days it is good for me, but I still need some extra consideration.  Panic, tears, anger, frustration are all there just under the surface.  I need help to allow myself what I need to keep my grief under control.  Just because I am back at work does not mean that everything is normal at work for me.

People say that we look tired.  Yeah we do.  We're both sleeping less then ever and when we do sleep we have dreams and nightmares.  Everything we have to do takes twice as much physical and emotional effort as it did before.  It's amazing to us that we are functioning members of society right now.

We are working hard to do the normal everyday functioning member of society things, so it may look like everything is back to normal, but it's not.  It is not okay that Kyler died, but there is not a damn thing we can do about it.  A few months hasn't fixed it, nothing can fix it.  We just keep living our lives as best we can.  Please remember we are still very fragile and be careful with us.

Nicotine Fits with out the Cigarettes

I fall asleep thinking about Kyler.  I wake up thinking about Kyler.  Unless I am really busy during the day I spend most of the day thinking about Kyler.  He's always with me.  Sometimes I wake up early, like today, and can't go back to sleep.  It is so quiet in our house.  I wonder what it would be like to have a baby crying and waking us up.  If we ever have another baby I don't think my husband and I will take much for granted.  We both said this week that we'd give anything to have Kyler here keeping us up all night.

I made it through week two of work.  It wasn't too bad.  I didn't cry at work this week either, although I did have to take an anxiety pill one day.  Multiple times I thought about just hiding in a bathroom stall and not coming back out, but I didn't.  I'm training some new analysts now.  They kept me busy enough that last week the week went by pretty quick.  I've told them that I was off of work for 6 months and that I had extreme activity restrictions and surgery but that's about it.  I'm sure at least one of them knows more of the story, probably all of them.  I haven't been as patient with the newbies this time around as I have been in the past, and I've been a lot more blunt when talking to them.  I still think I am doing a good job.  I'm still a lot more patient with them then some other trainers I've seen.

I had one of my want to hide under the covers, don't want to talk to anyone, want to cry or scream, fidgety, on edge, panic type episodes at work this week but luckily I was able to calm down with the help of an anxiety pill.  I've been having these a couple times a week and I'd been thinking they seemed familiar.  This week I figured out what it was like.. It feels a lot like the nicotine fits I had when I smoked and needed another cigarette.

Along with going to work every day this week, I also made it to the gym every day this week.  5 days of elliptical and 3 days of weights.  Working out until I am super tired helps my fidgetyness, and my mood.  I should start dropping the baby weight pretty rapidly here in a few weeks.  I don't go to the gym on weekends, but yesterday I woke up and knew it was going to be a pretty bad day if we just sat around all day.  I remembered that every day after work this week, I walked out in the parking lot and noticed the table rock cross shining down on the valley.  I usually don't notice it, but it was like it was calling me all week.  So yesterday morning I decided my husband and I should try and hike up to it.  I was sure I wouldn't make it to the top, after all it has only been 3 weeks since I've had my activity restrictions lifted.  But I went out and tried, put one foot in front of the other, over and over and over again and... I made it!!! All the way up and back!!  I feel so accomplished.

Week One Complete!

I made it.  I completed one almost whole (because of the holiday) week of work.  Four days in a row, I got up, got dressed and went and did something productive.  Did I cry at work this week... no (unless you count the parking lot.)  Did I spend at least one whole day on the brink of tears... yes.  Did do the tasks that they expected me to... some of the time.  Was I productive for most of the day every day even if I wasn't doing exactly what they planned on me doing... yes.  

Tuesday was good, as I said in my last post.  Wednesday I wasn't having a great day but I took quite a few calls and tickets and felt good about the job I did with them.  Thursday I was having an awful day.  I woke up wanting spend the day in bed hiding under the covers crying, but I didn't.  I got up and went to work.  I let my boss know I was having a bad day and he let me do what I needed to do.  I spent the day setting up desks for the people I am training next week and getting ready for them.  I felt super guilty for not taking calls because we had people waiting on hold most of the day, but I knew I'd melt down if I took calls.  In fact I let the guilt get to me in the middle of the day and took one call which nearly resulted in an early end to my day.  I hated sitting there watching the hold lights flash on our phones.  I just wanted to be normal and be able to take the calls, but I couldn't.  Even though my boss offered to let me go home early, I didn't.  I made it through the whole day.  Today was better.  I did a few calls, but mostly worked on things for training next week.  I would say the week was a success overall.  

Hopefully next week will be better.  I think I will be so busy training the new employees I won't be able to think about anything else and the days will go by super fast.  I am scared that I'll have a melt down while I am training but I guess if that happens we'll deal with it.  My boss told me to make sure and let him know if I had any problems next week and he would find someone to help or take over if needed.

My other huge accomplishment of the week was going to the gym.  I went to the gym after work every day this week.  I did the elliptical for 30 minutes each day and did weights twice.  Quite a change from sitting on the couch 24/7.  It was tough but I WAS able to do it.  I was (am) pretty sore, especially after doing weights but it's not too bad.  It really helps clear my head and put me in a better mood...most of the time.  It didn't work Thursday but I was in a pretty bad mood to start with.

Now I've got the weekend.  I'm not sure what we are going to do this weekend.  There are some hot springs I have been wanting to go to for the last year, so maybe we'll take a day trip over there.  Most of all I want to just hang out with my husband.

Conquered

I not only survived my first day back at work but I conquered it.  I didn't do a whole lot today, but I was way more productive then I thought I would be.  I spent most the day skimming my thousands of emails, checking to make sure I still had all the access I need and changing my passwords that had expired.  At the day I did even work a few tickets.  It was kind of nice, nothing there has changed at all.  It was so close to "normal".  I didn't even have to deal with any awkward questions, everyone just welcomed me back.  I'm sure I'll have bad days at work still, but at least I know I can have normal good days too.  My other huge accomplishment of the day was I made it to the gym.  I was able to do a whole 30 minutes on the elliptical (at level 1, not 7 like I used to but still).  I felt awesome when I left work.  After I got home Clay and I celebrated with blizzards.... I guess that counteract's the gym but at least I went.  I think I'll save the diet changes for next week.

Back to work tomorrow

12 hours and I'll be back at work!  It came up on me so slowly and so quickly.  I can't believe it has been 8 weeks since I was at work last and 24 weeks, nearly half a year, since I've been there for any amount of time.  Am I ready to go back?  Yes and no.  Am I excited to go back?  Yes and no.  Do I think I'll survive?  Yes.  Will I cry at work?  Hopefully not, but probably.  I know my bosses sent out an email telling everyone what happened, but my department is notorious for not reading email as we literally get thousands a week.  I think the thing I am most worried about is people who didn't hear what happened asking me how Kyler is.  I don't mind talking about Kyler ( I don't think, we'll see... I haven't had to talk about him much), but I hate having to tell people that we lost him.  I'm also afraid people will avoid me.  Like I said in a previous post, I've been hating it if people treat me like nothing happened and hating it if they treat me like I'm broken, so I am not sure how I will feel.  I think that it will be easier there then anywhere else for me to get back into my normal routine, even if it is a different normal.  I think that my anxiety pills will be my friends tomorrow though, and maybe for the first week or maybe month.  I am super excited to go to the gym after work.  I'll feel so accomplished if I make it through the day AND go to the gym.  I just hope it isn't full of New Years Resolution people like it was last year in January so I can actually go.

I can do anything

Everyone says when you are trying to lose weight you have to change your lifestyle or it won't stick.  Before I got pregnant, I had lost nearly 80 lbs and thought I had succeeded in the "lifestyle change."  For well over a year I counted calories and went to the gym 5 days I week.  It was hard at first but after I succeeded for a few weeks, I started telling myself I could do it.  I found myself repeating two things to myself when ever it got hard, "Just do it" and "I can do anything for a minute."  When I would think about not going to the gym I'd make myself just do it.  When I got tired at the gym and wanted to quit, I'd tell myself, "One more minute, I can do anything for a minute."  One minute, turned into another and another and before I knew it I would be done.  Pretty soon I found myself able to do things I thought were impossible.  

We hiked to Table Rock

and then.... 

We went on a backpacking trip that included among other things a hike up and down this huge mountain.

And then I got pregnant.  For the first 3 months or so that I was pregnant I was quite nauseous and oddly enough the only thing that made me feel better was eating.  If my stomach got empty, I got sick.  Plus since I was sick all the time, I didn't feel like going to the gym.  Needless to say I gained quite a bit of weight in my first trimester.  I was just starting to feel better, eat a little better and go back to the gym when I got put on bedrest.  Exercising on bedrest, of course, doesn't happen.  With my husband and family doing EVERYTHING for me, convenience foods (unhealthy) became 90% of our diet.  Clay had more time to do all the other stuff he needed to if we just had fast food or hot pockets for lunch.  Plus the only restrictions I didn't have were food, so it became the one normal thing I was able to do.  I really looked forward our takeout nights.

When I delivered Kyler I was very close to my heaviest weight.  Since I've been home I haven't been eating a whole lot, but since I had the c-section I was still under activity restriction until last week.  I haven't been able to lose much since then.  I've been wondering if maybe I hadn't changed things and I had fallen back into my old lifestyle.  Then yesterday, it was a beautiful day outside and I decided I wanted to go for a walk.  Clay and I went around the block, and then I decided I could go farther... after all I can do anything for a minute.  We went farther and farther... it ended up being about a 2 mile walk.  I was super tired and my legs were burning when we got back, but I'd done it and didn't regret it.  Then about an hour after we got back, I looked in the back yard and saw all the yard work that needed done, it was still a beautiful day so why not just do it.  Even though I was sore and tired from the walk we went out and trimmed trees and cleaned out the garden.  I was super tempted to just supervise my husband, but I didn't.  I took it a minute at a time and tried to do as much as I could, rather then having him do it all.  We were able to get everything done that needed done and then some.  I felt so accomplished.  Then we went over to my brothers for New Years Eve.  While we were there we decided to play Wii.  By this time I was even more sore and tired, but I decided to just do it and play some games.  I played until my arms and legs felt like jelly.  I realized I had done probably 20 times as much yesterday then I've done in a year, and I just did it one minute at a time.  I haven't fallen back into my old life, I did permanently change my lifestyle in the last two years.

Later tonight I plan on packing up my gym bag for work, and re-downloading my calorie counting app.  My first day back at work is Tuesday and I WILL go to the gym after I get off.  I need to just do it, after all I can do anything!  Kyler is proud of me.