Everything is not okay.

Clay are making a conscious effort to live our lives.  We get out of bed, go to work, go to some friendly functions.  We put on the happy face so we don't have to answer a lot of questions.  But it is not all okay.  We spent the last 4 years of our lives planning the day we'd have a baby.  We spent 14 weeks petrified that we were going to lose Kyler.  Then just when it looked like everything was going to work out our lives were completely shattered.  All the plans we had made were pointless.  You would not believe how much energy it takes some days to just get out of bed, show up somewhere and be present.

Yes, I make it to work every day.  I haven't been complaining about working and some days it is good for me, but I still need some extra consideration.  Panic, tears, anger, frustration are all there just under the surface.  I need help to allow myself what I need to keep my grief under control.  Just because I am back at work does not mean that everything is normal at work for me.

People say that we look tired.  Yeah we do.  We're both sleeping less then ever and when we do sleep we have dreams and nightmares.  Everything we have to do takes twice as much physical and emotional effort as it did before.  It's amazing to us that we are functioning members of society right now.

We are working hard to do the normal everyday functioning member of society things, so it may look like everything is back to normal, but it's not.  It is not okay that Kyler died, but there is not a damn thing we can do about it.  A few months hasn't fixed it, nothing can fix it.  We just keep living our lives as best we can.  Please remember we are still very fragile and be careful with us.