Nicotine Fits with out the Cigarettes

I fall asleep thinking about Kyler.  I wake up thinking about Kyler.  Unless I am really busy during the day I spend most of the day thinking about Kyler.  He's always with me.  Sometimes I wake up early, like today, and can't go back to sleep.  It is so quiet in our house.  I wonder what it would be like to have a baby crying and waking us up.  If we ever have another baby I don't think my husband and I will take much for granted.  We both said this week that we'd give anything to have Kyler here keeping us up all night.

I made it through week two of work.  It wasn't too bad.  I didn't cry at work this week either, although I did have to take an anxiety pill one day.  Multiple times I thought about just hiding in a bathroom stall and not coming back out, but I didn't.  I'm training some new analysts now.  They kept me busy enough that last week the week went by pretty quick.  I've told them that I was off of work for 6 months and that I had extreme activity restrictions and surgery but that's about it.  I'm sure at least one of them knows more of the story, probably all of them.  I haven't been as patient with the newbies this time around as I have been in the past, and I've been a lot more blunt when talking to them.  I still think I am doing a good job.  I'm still a lot more patient with them then some other trainers I've seen.

I had one of my want to hide under the covers, don't want to talk to anyone, want to cry or scream, fidgety, on edge, panic type episodes at work this week but luckily I was able to calm down with the help of an anxiety pill.  I've been having these a couple times a week and I'd been thinking they seemed familiar.  This week I figured out what it was like.. It feels a lot like the nicotine fits I had when I smoked and needed another cigarette.

Along with going to work every day this week, I also made it to the gym every day this week.  5 days of elliptical and 3 days of weights.  Working out until I am super tired helps my fidgetyness, and my mood.  I should start dropping the baby weight pretty rapidly here in a few weeks.  I don't go to the gym on weekends, but yesterday I woke up and knew it was going to be a pretty bad day if we just sat around all day.  I remembered that every day after work this week, I walked out in the parking lot and noticed the table rock cross shining down on the valley.  I usually don't notice it, but it was like it was calling me all week.  So yesterday morning I decided my husband and I should try and hike up to it.  I was sure I wouldn't make it to the top, after all it has only been 3 weeks since I've had my activity restrictions lifted.  But I went out and tried, put one foot in front of the other, over and over and over again and... I made it!!! All the way up and back!!  I feel so accomplished.