(Written 12/30/11)
Today we are going to Clay's cousins wedding. I have mixed feelings about going. I'm glad we are able to go and congratulate her, but I wasn't supposed to be able to go. When we originally got the invite, we figured I'd be back at work and have a 2 month old so we were planning on Clay just going.
I've been trying to push as many of the "supposed to be" thoughts out of my head as possible. I believe as much as this sucks, it's part of the plan and there is a reason it happened; therefore what I am doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing. There is no alternate reality where Kyler lived and I'm supposed to be taking care of him.
I go back to work in 3 days. In fact in 3 hours I'm technically off of disability. Physically I've been feeling pretty good. I still get sore but the doctor said I am healing just like I should be. I'm excited and scared to go back to work. It will be nice to have something productive to do every day and to get full paychecks, but it has been a long time since I've been expected to be productive all day every day.
The amount of patience that I have has changed drastically. I have been having a hard time not telling off people who complain about trivial things, especially if it is their kids. I want to tell them to just shut up and think about what they have. I would give anything to have a baby wake me up at night, or a kid who did a half ass job on their chores. I know that being a parent is tough and sometimes your patience is tested. I am not under any illusion that I won't get frustrated if we have more kids, but am sure that I will be a lot less likely to take them for granted then I would have. I've also been having trouble with how people treat me, but that is more my problem then theirs. I hate it when people great me like i'm broken or going to break, but I also hate it when people treat me like nothing happened. I know the middle ground is a very fine line, though so most people aren't going to get it right. I can't even explain how I want to be treated.
My niece has been in town all week. We've been having a pretty good time just hanging out and getting to know each other better. It is weird how much we have in common. Like we compared our music libraries on our computers and they were 90% or so identical. We also watch a bunch of the same tv shows. It is kinda weird but cool.
I haven't gotten the measurements for the blankets that I want to make yet, but I'm pretty sure it would be okay to make them the same size as the ones we got. I measured the one that we received though and as long as It is with in the guidelines (I don't see why it wouldn't be) we should be able to make 2 blankets out of a yard of fleece. My niece and I went and picked out some different fleece today. It was on sale for half off so we were able to get enough to make 16 blankets. That would help 8 families since we want each family to get two identical blankets like Clay and I did. I'm excited to make the blankets. The fabric we got is really cute. Of course, I wish no one needed them.
We survived Christmas. It was definitely weird. Clay and I went to visit Kyler's grave on Christmas eve. On Christmas day Clay just hung out at home and I went to my brothers for a couple hours. It wasn't a good day, or an awful one. It was just weird.
We'll start 2012 in a few days. I'm excited to put 2011 behind us and start moving toward the next chapter in our lives.
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