Awkwardness

I've had a pretty good day off so far.  The dog and I slept in until 9AM!  I thought about getting up earlier but then I heard the wind and hail outside and figured there was no point.  Then I bummed around for an hour or so, went to the gym, came home and took a shower and then went to my counselor.  I think I do like my new counselor.  She is seeing me every week which I think I need right now.  The other counselor would tell us to call when we thought we wanted to come in again.  That doesn't work with me, I'll never call.  I need to have my next appointment set up before I leave, which this counselor does.

On my way home I stopped and got my hair cut.  I was lucky enough to be born with great low maintenance hair.  I don't get my hair cut very often, in fact it is pretty rare for me to get it cut more then 4 times a year.  Since I don't go in very often, I don't have a regular stylist.  I just go to one of the chain walk in salons.  I knew going in that I was going to have to deal with the stylist's small talk.  One of the first things they always ask is "Do you have kids?"  What a loaded question for me.  I had thought about it before I went in and had decided I would say "Yes, I had one."  When I sat down she looked right at the little boy birthstone necklace I wear for Kyler and moved it out of the way of the cape.  Then a minute later she asked the question.  I wanted to chicken out and say no but I knew she'd probably ask about the necklace so I told her I "had" one, past tense.  Most people pick up on that but she didn't.  She asked how old he was and I told her he had passed away.  Talk about awkward.  I don't think it would have been any less awkward if I had told her any different.  Last time my husband and I went in I listened as he told the person doing his hair "No" and had to sit through multiple additional questions such as "Do you want kids?"  I'm glad I was prepared for it.  I feel kind of bad that I took her by surprise like that but there was no good way out.

I am kind of lucky that I was on bedrest most of my pregnancy so I don't have to deal with many awkward questions, no one saw me pregnant so no one asks.  I've had a former co-worker ask me "Where's the kid" at a party and a current co-worker who didn't know me well ask me about Kyler, but that's it.  I'm glad I don't have to deal with it every day.  I've got a dentist appointment next month that I am dreading.  The hygienist is very chatty, remembers everything, and noted in my chart that I was pregnant.  My last appointment I was very pregnant, in fact I was freed from bed rest long enough to go because I was so close.  I really don't want to deal with having her ask.  I've thought about calling and asking if they could note in my chart that Kyler was stillborn, or even switching dentists.  Not sure what I am going to do.  I guess I have a month to think about it.

I've been doing pretty good I think.  I've been to work every day recently except for the two half days I took for my cold last week.  Some days at work I really struggle, some days I am fine, but I make it through the day.  I've got a couple of good friends I've been hanging out with.  They are awesome enough to call and ask me to do things, even when I never call them.  I'll probably say yes if you ask me to do something, but right now I don't have the motivation to come up with or schedule anything on my own.  I know it can be awkward to chat with me, but I promise it is not that bad.  I appreciate those who try.  I am still mostly the same person, but I do live in a different world then I did 4 months ago.  Some day I hope I get a chance to be as good of a friend to these two as they have been to me.