Horrible, Awful, No Good, Very Bad Day

Today was seriously the worst day I've had at work yet. I am not sure why it was so bad, it totally blindsided me. I felt fine when I got out of the car. I felt okay stopping to fill up my water bottle. By the time I got to my desk I wanted to cry. By the time I got logged into all my programs I was crying. I spent the first 5 minutes of my shift in the restroom trying to calm down. I went back to my desk and sent my boss an IM letting him know I was having a rough day and he told me I could just work tickets I didn't have to call people on for the day. I thought would make me feel better... Nope. I spent most of the first hour crying at my desk. I couldn't calm down.   I had to take a sedative even though I didn't want to (I've been trying to take less)  I should have left, but I didn't. My sedative kicked in and I was doing pretty good, I even took a few tickets that I had to call and talk to people on.  Then we got busy and I got an IM from another of our bosses asking if I could take a phone call.  When you get an IM asking you to take a phone call from one of the Bob's (bosses) it pretty much means "Hey, you are not doing your job.. could you?"  I didn't want to tell her no, I told her I'd try but I was having a rough day.  Then I couldn't do it, I started bawling.. again.  I felt like crap.  I just want to be able to do my job.  I don't want special treatment.  I just want to be normal.  I should have left then too, but I didn't.  Pretty much the same thing happened a couple more times later in the day.  I really should have left.  My doctor told me he'd write me doctor's notes whenever I needed and I have plenty of PTO.  I don't know why I didn't leave.  I stuck it out the whole day and then bawled again for a half hour when I got home.

There was one bright spot to my day.  On one of my trips back from the bathroom I was trying to hide so not many people would see that I had been crying and I ran into one of my co-workers.  I've worked with her pretty much since I started but we never talk much, we mostly just say hi or whatever.  Today she said something more to me, I don't remember what.  I know I just got this deer in the headlights look, mumbled something and pretty much ran away.  Well when I got back to my desk I sent her an IM telling her I was sorry, that I was just having a rough day.  When she got the IM she came straight over to my desk, gave me a big hug, told me she was sorry and just left it at that and went back to her desk.  That was really nice.

My counselor asked me yesterday who I want to punch.  I thought it was a kind of funny question at first but then I came up with a list of people I am angry/disappointed with that I wouldn't mind punching.  She gave me this list of sentence beginnings she wants me to complete and use to write a letter to each of them.  Mostly just to make me feel better, not to actually give to them.  When she first gave it to me I thought there was no way I was actually going to do it, but now I am thinking maybe I will.  Here's a few to start

I hate it when...
          - you minimize my accomplishments, such as my weight loss, by saying they aren't permanent or good enough
          - don't realize what you have and take it for granted.
          - I'm trying to just have a conversation with you and you say things to try and knock me down and make yourself feel superior to me.

I feel hurt and disappointed when...
          - you know I am having a bad day and you blow it off like it is nothing.
          - you act like Kyler didn't exist and I should be fine
          - you don't put any effort into our friendship

There is a bunch more but those were just a few I felt like putting out there right now.  

I wonder how tomorrow is going to go.  I hope I can just go in and do my job, be normal and not cry.  My husband made me promise if tomorrow is anywhere close to as bad as today that I would come home.  We'll see what happens.