Crazy

Ugh. I'm crazy.. With good reason.  I feel like I've hit a wall.  I was doing so good since I went back to work at being a functioning adult but the last week or so has been pretty bad.   Today I started the day feeling very anxious and twitchy, on the verge of a panic attack.  I went to work and took a few phone calls but it was getting harder and harder to answer them.  I took one of my sedatives but it didn't help much.  I decided I'd call my doctor's office and see if I could get in to talk to him.  I figured if I made an appointment I'd at least be able to make it through a bit more of the day today.  The receptionist wasn't very helpful, basically telling me if I wanted to not miss work I'd have to wait over a week.  Talking to her started me crying.  Once I start I have a really hard time stopping.  I went ahead and left work for the day.

I was able to make an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow.  I'm planning on going to work tomorrow and being there all day (with the exception of the doctor appointment).  I didn't want to miss more work to go but I decided it is more important for me to get in to see the doctor then to keep a few hours of PTO.  I want to see if he thinks maybe a medication change again will help me.  I know there is no magic pill that is going to make everything better, but I've been battling anxiety the last few years and everything I've been through the last year has brought it back with a vengeance.  The medicine I am on was taking the edge off but I feel like it has stopped working over the last week or so.

I'll probably also talk to my boss and see if we can have some sort of backup plan for me so I have something I can work on if I don't feel up to taking calls.  Some days I don't feel up to taking calls but I'd be fine working on things alone at my desk where I don't have to talk to anyone.  I'd much rather be at work doing something then be sitting at home feeling guilty for not being at work.  I know it will get easier with time, but right now it feels like I'll never be able to do my real job all day every day again.  I am very very thankful that they have been so understanding.

Tomorrow is a pretty big day, it will be exactly 4 months since Kyler was born and exactly 12 months since we found out I was pregnant.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  When we found out, I couldn't believe it.  It was a Sunday morning.  I woke up early and sneaked in and took a test while Clay was still sleeping.  I was shocked when it came back positive.  I woke Clay up out of a dead sleep, tossed it to him and said "I don't think it's right, but here you go".  Kind of a funny story.  I realized a few days ago that Kyler was born exactly 8 months from when we found out.  I can't believe it has been 4 months since he was born.  It seems like just yesterday and forever ago as well.  I'm not sure if tomorrow has anything to do with my recent craziness.  Whether it does or not, I think I have pretty good reason to be at least a little crazy.