It's awful he died, not that he lived.

We went to our support group meeting on Monday night. The last one was cancelled so it's been two months since we've gone.  I was kind of wondering how I'd feel about it since I've been going to counseling every week.  I think they are both very helpful.  In counseling I get to talk a lot about what has been going on in my life, but she doesn't have a lot of experience with infant loss.  In group we talk a lot about what we have been feeling and find that it is normal and similar to other people's experiences.

There was a new girl in group this week.  She lost her baby Feb 6th.  I wish she didn't have to be there, but it is nice to meet someone new.  She said something awesome I totally agree with. She basically said it is not terrible that my son existed. It is terrible that he died, but wonderful that he lived if even for a short time. She asked to see our pictures of Kyler. She is one of the only people who have asked to see him. It felt good to share him. She shared the pictures of her baby too. I've been thinking of putting one of Kyler's pictures up at my desk at work. I love looking at his pictures and want to share him but I'm sure some people would have a problem with it. I understand not everyone is comfortable with pictures if dead babies. I wasn't comfortable with them until I had my own.  The new girl said she put up a picture of her sons feet at her desk work.   Maybe I should do that.  I should go through my pictures again and see what I have.

We finally got the last of the hospital bills. I look at the charges and then what I actually have to pay and I am so thankful to have good insurance.  I'd rather not have to pay anything for this whole awful experience, but I can't imagine what we would have done if we didn't have good insurance.  I don't believe that good health care should be a financial burden or unobtainable to anyone.  I hate that about the United States.  At least now I don't have to worry about any more bills showing up and wondering how much they will be, I just have to work on paying off the credit card I put them all on.

My counselor was out this week so I didn't have to go today.  I've been pretty sore for a while and I've been thinking about getting a massage.  Last week I found groupon type deal for one and I went and did that today instead of going to counseling.  I've never had a massage before.  It was weird, but I think I really needed it.  When I got it, I bought two.  Now I have to decide if I want to do the second one or give it to my husband.  I should give it to him, he needs a massage too.

I've made it okay through the last few days of work.  I think I may get to do training again next month.  I'm hoping so.  Training is usually 3 of 4 weeks out of the month.  It makes the time go by so quick, if I get to do it, it will be May before I know it.  I can't wait until late spring/summer