Every day that I make it out of bed, get showered and ready, and make the trek into work is a win. Every morning I sit here on the couch with the puppy and think about how much I want to climb back into my warm cozy bed with him and hide. On Wednesdays I get to do just that, stay cozy warm in bed with the dog as long as I want. It's safe, it's warm, it's comfy, there are no worries, or expectations of me. I think not wanting to leave the safeness of my bed is a big problem with me working. I dream of quitting and making every day like my Wednesdays are now, but I know that is not the answer. I have been doing pretty good being a functioning adult in almost every area of my life lately, except work. I'm not sure what I need to do. I've got a great job but I've not been doing a good job at it lately. I had another meltdown at work today and spent the day crying at my desk. I am not sure what triggered it but by the time I pulled into the parking lot I was on the brink of a panic attack and I had no control over it. I probably should have just called in, but I went in anyway. It was a busy day at work today and they needed me to take calls but I couldn't. I worked on a lot of other things, but not what they needed me to do. The stress and guilt of watching the calls stack up in the queue knowing I would start balling if I tried to take a call finally go to me and I went ahead and left a few hours early. I talked to my boss before I left and he said basically that they need me either on the phones or they need me to go back to the position I was in before I left. I really don't know what to do, especially when I have days like today. Most days I just feel hesitant to take calls but if I actually take them they aren't that bad. Maybe I should just try harder to take calls on the days I'm feeling iffy and just call in on days like today. I don't really think I want to go back to the position I was in before. I can get a doctor's note for any days I call in or leave early if I need to but usually I'd rather be there doing something. I am supposed to do training again the week after next. I do a good job with that and I think I will be able to do that with out any melt downs... hopefully, but I know the bosses are doubting I will be able to keep it together. I am a little worried that they will stop letting me do training if I continue being crazy. I wish Clay and I were in a position where I could take some more time off and maybe do some volunteer type things instead of working, but we need me to keep working so we can keep up on the bills and keep my benefits. Maybe sometime in the future I'll be able to do something different.
I think I decided to go ahead and put a picture of Kyler up at my desk. I put the picture I carry of him in my wallet up on my desk every day this week and it felt good. I decided he deserves a place on my desk. He is a big part of who I am now. It's a good picture. Hopefully it isn't too "creepy" for other people, I wasn't very understanding about things like that in the past myself, but I decided I don't care. I haven't decided between the wallet size pic or the 4x6 yet, but I think I am going to go try and find a frame for it this weekend.
Sometimes I wonder what color eyes Kyler had. It bugs me that I never got to see my son's eyes. It was a big debate the whole time I was pregnant, whether they would be blue like mine or green/hazel like Clay's or maybe something in between. I guess we'll just have to wait quite a bit longer to find out.
My counselor graduated me from sessions every week to every other week. I guess that is good. Like I said, I am doing pretty good outside of work. We are doing more and having more fun then we ever have. We still have our bad days but we have had a lot of good times in the last few months. We of course wish we were staying home with Kyler, but we figure since we have a chance to do everything we want with out the logistics of kids, we'll do it. The counselor basically said if I would be okay skipping a week she would rather me be out having fun then coming in to see her. I think this week I am going to go on a walk with one of my friends since I have the week off of counseling.
This weekend I think we are going to paint our bedroom, do some yard work if the sun comes out, maybe track down a bike rack so we can go on bike rides out side of our neighborhood, work on some blankets, and maybe go on a bike ride with one of my friends if we get the rack. It should be a pretty good weekend.
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