My husband became a father over 2 years ago. From the moment I woke him up by throwing a positive pregnancy test at him. From the beginning of our relationship I knew he was going to make a great father. He has proven that he is.
When I was pregnant with Kyler he made an effort to come to every doctor appointment that he could. When I was too tired and sick in the first trimester to do anything, he let me sleep it off while he took care of everything else. He was ready to do anything he needed for the baby.
When I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix and hospitalized in July of 2011, he was not only there making decisions with me and spending every minute he could with me and Kyler, but he also managed to go to work so he could keep the brand new job that we so desperately needed him to have. After I was released from the hospital he continued working while taking care of me. He spent nearly every minute he wasn't at work taking care of the house, the dog and me.
We talked a lot about all the things he wanted to do with Kyler. He couldn't want to teach him to fish, take him camping, play with him, love him. While I was on bedrest he went into Babies R Us by him self and picked out a special outfit for Kyler. "Daddy's Sidekick" it said. He was so excited to meet Kyler.
He cried just as much as I did when we found out Kyler had died. He did not leave my side after we found out. Even though he cannot handle the sight of blood, he was there for ever second of my c-section.
When they brought Kyler into us, Clay held him first. I didn't think I wanted to hold or even see Kyler. Clay had no reservations, he wanted to see his baby. Clay took a lot more pictures with Kyler when the NILMDTS photographer came in, and helped the photographer pose Kyler. Clay called funeral homes and cemeteries to find a final resting place for our son. He arranged for the hospital chaplain to conduct the service. He helped me pick out Kyler's first and final outfit (which ended up being the one Clay had bought for him months earlier) and delivered it to the funeral home. He carried our son's casket to his grave.
In the months since we lost Kyler, Clay has been strong for me and very supportive. He lets me just cry when I need to, even though he is just as hurt as I am. He helps me find things to take to Kyler's grave and helps me do things to honor Kyler.
From the moment we found out I was pregnant with Kalen he has been protecting me and Kalen. He has spent even more time this pregnancy waiting on me and taking care of everything so Kalen could be born healthy. Every day we bond more with Kalen and are excited to meet him.
Clay has done more as a father to his two children then some "father's" do for their living children. Even though grieving father's don't talk about their child a lot, even though they are the "strong" ones who seldom cry, even though they do not have their child here on earth.... They are still fathers, and good ones at that.
Last year for Father's Day very few people acknowledged that Clay was a father, this year even fewer people did. Those who did acknowledge it this year acknowledged it as him being a "Father to Be." My experience with Mother's Day was very similar. It hurts. Even though Kyler is not here with us, we are still parents to him. We celebrate in our own way, with each other. Mother's Day and Father's Day will always be very hard for us. Next year, hopefully, will be a little different. We should have Kalen to celebrate with, but we will still be missing one.
I know that everyone is different, but I would say, don't hesitate to acknowledge a bereaved mother or father, ever. They are still parents. You are not reminding them of what they have lost, it is always on their mind. Also, PLEASE, if they are expecting or have another child don't minimize the child they have lost by calling them "parent's to be" or something similar. We know that there is no malicious intent with comments like that, BUT it still hurts.
I couldn't have picked a better father for my children.
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