It's Complicated

Everyday I wake up early and think, "I don't have to work today."  After I realize I don't have to work, I think about getting up, but realize I am still tired and I have the luxury of not having to get up.  Then I go back to sleep.  When I wake up a few hours later I am again grateful that I am able to sleep when I need to and cuddle with the dog.  As much as I don't like being stuck in the house by myself all day every day, there are some silver linings.

I have been thinking about Kyler a lot more lately.  It's so complicated.  We packed up a lot of his stuff the other day.  He still has a spot, but his things are more condensed and a lot of his clothes, blankets, diapers ect are rearranged in Kalen's room for him to use.  Last week we had pulled out a lot of his things so I could sort through them.  I hadn't gotten to the sorting yet and they were just sitting here on our coffee table.  All of a sudden I had to see him.  Frantically I dug through everything to find the two CD's of pictures I have of him so I could go through each and every one of his pictures.  I have also been sleeping with his blanket and bear a lot more lately.

I realized the other day that I haven't been thinking and imagining Kalen past the first few months.  When I was pregnant with Kyler we imagined him at all ages, as a toddler wandering around a campsite behind Clay, learning to fish, sitting in the first day of Kindergarten, being a cub scout and then a boy scout, becoming a teenager, graduating, dating.. all of that.  I don't really have those daydreams with Kalen.  I guess it is just a protective thing.  I don't want to have to un-imagine those things.

Last week I also ordered stamps.  Just a little normal everyday thing, right?  Not really.  The last time I ordered stamps was a few weeks before Kyler was born.  I ordered a bunch of "Love" stamps to use on the thank you notes and birth announcements.  There were no birth announcements.  A month or so after Kyler was born, the bills started rolling in.  The happy "Love" stamps I had bought for his announcements ended up being used to send in bills in the aftermath.  The week before last, I asked my husband to mail some bills for me and he told me we were almost out of stamps, Kyler's stamps are almost all gone.  I guess it is appropriate for them to run out now.  Again, I ordered a bunch of "Love" stamps (they are different then Kyler's) for birth announcements.  I really hope that is what they are used for.

I have also been having nightmares, almost every night.  They usually don't have much to do with Kyler or Kalen, they are just random.  Last night they were about one of my nieces, my sister and one of my co-workers who has been having some trouble.  The night before that it was about Clay.  I think it is just a manifestation of the fear I have about Kalen.

We did get Kalen's room done.  It turned out great.

I'm glad we got it done.  There are a few times I've gone in and looked around and been sad that it's different now, but it is great for Kalen.

Mother's Day wasn't too bad.  I probably cried more the day before then the day of.  I slept in and let Clay go to breakfast with his mom.  On his way back, Clay did a huge thing for me.  We had portraits scheduled and I had been crying about not having anything to wear.  As my mother's day present Clay stopped at the maternity store in the mall for me all by him self and picked me out a couple new things to wear.  He is so awesome.  We didn't do to much that day, but we did take some flowers out to Kalen.

I had my photo shoot on Thursday.  It was a maternity photo shoot.  I didn't have many pregnancy pictures taken with Kyler and we have taken even less with Kalen.  A couple of closely spaced pregnancies with activity restrictions on both have made me less excited to have my picture taken.  I decided that I should get get some good pictures taken though.  We should get them back in a few days.  I am excited to see them.  We have her scheduled to come back after Kalen is born to do some newborn ones.  It's one of those things that Kyler changed with us, made us realize that there are some times when you need some good pictures.  

Tomorrow is our group meeting.  I want to go but I can't decide if we should.  I think it would help me with somethings but again.. I don't want to be the pregnant girl at the dead baby club.  We'll see what I decide.

Not working has also been hard.  I know that they really need me.  They have had even more drama since I left.  I also hate being "left out".  It feels like I am being "left behind" especially since I probably won't be able to go back into work for a few more months.  My doctor said I might be able to work from home a little bit in a few weeks.  I have mixed feelings about that.  I want to be able to help out and have something useful to do, but I also think that it would be frustrating not being able to help more.

I've been trying to think of some good way to end this post, some nice words, a closing statement or something to tie it all together, but I can't so I guess this will just come to an abrupt end.  Until next time.