Eff You Mother's Day

I've been hiding from it, ignoring it, wishing it would go away, but it will come morning just like it does every year. The holiday I wish would just disappear. Mothers Day. *Sigh*  Last year wasn't that bad. Clay and I bought and released 5000 butterflies, went hiking out in the middle of no where, grabbed lunch/dinner at a deserted restaurant, then we came home and blew bubbles, and did some chalk art.

I think the big difference this year is last year Kyler would  have only been 6 months old.  I didn't think much about what he and I would have done, because he would have been so little.  This year we would have had fun.  This year he would have loved to play with chalk, blow bubbles, look for bugs and hang out outside.  I want to spend the day playing with him.  I want to get a simple homemade card from him.  Just a piece of construction paper folded in half and scribbled on.  I won't get it though.  I won't be able to do much tomorrow.  Maybe I will be able to sneak outside and blow bubbles... from a chair.  On top of missing him I am pregnant this year.. again. Two years ago I was naively pregnant.  I hadn't had any complications yet.  I was hopeful but I didn't even know that I needed to hope.  After all, the next mother's day I was sure I'd have a baby in my arms.  I liked the "mother to be" presents and cards I received that year. This year it's complicated.  I've gotten a few cards, and I appreciate them, but they just don't seem appropriate.  Yeah. I'm pretty sure my life and the rest of the bereaved mother's lives would be simpler if mothers day was abandoned, if you could just skip over it.

So this year I am saying Eff you Mother's Day.  I am protesting it.  I am boycotting it.  I am sorry if you were expecting to do something with me this year or expecting me to do something for you.  I just can't support the day this year.  I don't think I will leave the house (I am not supposed to anyway.)  I am going to hide under the covers and pretend it just another day. Maybe I'll feel a little differently next year if Kalen gets here safely.  Maybe next year we will reinstate it. Maybe not.

I am sorry to all the Mothers and Fathers who have to navigate these holidays (Mother's Day and Father's Day) with out their children, especially those who's children are in Heaven.

I think at the very least I'll make myself some cinnamon rolls as I send Clay off to do breakfast with his mom.  Then I'll go back to hide under the cover's with the dog, Kalen, Kyler's blanket and his bear.  I won't be participating in the outside world tomorrow, just me Kalen, Kyler, Ranon and Clay.