Disconnect

There is a huge disconnect in my brain with this pregnancy.  Intellectually, I know I am pregnant and that the end result of a pregnancy is (usually) a baby, but emotionally I am having trouble with this cause and effect relationship.  Especially since that is not how it happened last time.

I can't say I feel particularly pregnant right now even though we are less then a week from delivery.  I have always been a bigger person, but had lost a lot of weight prior to getting pregnant with Kyler.  With the two pregnancies and the 6 months of gym time in between them, I am just a couple pounds over what I was in January 2010 which is what I had been at for years.    The weight is distributed differently then it was before, but all the little tricks I learned from being larger are applicable.  Yes, I can still paint my toenails, it's not any different then before.  In other words, I don't feel much different.

The only thing that makes me feel pregnant right now is when Kalen starts wriggling.  He wriggles like Kyler did, but differently.  I thought that Kyler was moving all the time but I was wrong.  Kalen literally moves all the time.  During the day it never goes more then a half hour before I hear from him.  This is comforting.  Kalen moves differently then Kyler did.  A lot of what I felt from Kyler was him playing in my ribs on the left side.  With Kalen he moves everywhere, low high, left right, in out.

Even with all the movement, it doesn't equate to baby with me.  I had all the movement with Kyler and we came home empty handed.  Kalen will be here in less then a week, but I can't imagine getting an actual baby out of this whole process and then getting to bring him home.  For a while it was starting to click for me, that I didn't have to worry about this c-section because it would be so different I wouldn't even pay attention to the discomforts.  Now I am starting to worry about the c-section itself.  It hurt, alot, all I wanted to do was push the little morphine button as soon as I could.  I just wanted to zone out... forever.  What if we don't get the baby this time?  I am not sure I could go through another c-section.

I've been sent into the hospital for monitoring a few times recently.  When they send me in, I just can't get excited about possibly meeting Kalen because I have a hard time believing it will really happen.  Usually I go in praying that they will send me home quickly so I can go curl up with my puppy.  The thought of spending the night away from my puppy gives me anxiety.  I know if we get Kalen here safely, I won't mind a couple days away from the puppy.  If he doesn't get here safely.. I guess I'll just use the morphine button coping technique I used last time.

I don't feel like Kalen is ready to be here.  I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I kind of hope that she doesn't decide to do the c-section early, but on the other hand, if she doesn't do it tomorrow the weekend is going to be very very hard on me.  Kyler died on Saturday at 38 weeks 7 days and we had him Sunday at 39 weeks 1 day.  My days line up the same with Kalen.  Saturday will be 38 weeks 7 days, Sunday 39 weeks 1 day.  My c-section is scheduled for 39 weeks 3 days.  More then likely from Friday evening until we leave for the hospital Tuesday, I will just be sitting here tracking EVERY movement that Kalen makes.

It feels like I am on a set of train tracks right next to a switch.  One side of the switch will derail the train and take me out with it, the other side will slow down the train down and let me hop on and go somewhere wonderful.  The train is barreling down and the switch has already been set.  Nothing I can do can change the outcome.  I just have to sit and pray and hope for 4 days that the the switch is set to the good outcome.

Clay and I have been thinking and dreaming about having a baby for years.  It took 7 months of trying, 18 months of pregnancy, and and 19 months of crying to get to this point.  If/when we have the baby on Tuesday we are keeping him to ourselves for a few hours.  We want to bond as the family we have been dreaming up.  I want to feed him, count his toes and fingers, hold him, watch Clay hold him and just love him by ourselves for a few hours before we start to share.  After we have gotten some bonding time in we will allow some of our family members in to see him.  I think we might limit non family visits at the hospital though.  Even though he will (hopefully) be happy and healthy, it is going to be a VERY emotional time for us.