Holiday Avoidance

Ugh, I hate winter holidays, Thanksgiving especially.  It was never on the top of my list of favorite holidays and after Kyler it immediately free fell to the bottom, right above Mother's Day. Thanksgiving 2011 was supposed to be great. We were supposed to have a happy healthy 2 week old. There was a plan for Clay's brother and his family to come down and for us all to have Thanksgiving at his sisters house. It was going to be the first time most of Clay's family would meet Kyler. We were looking forward to it. Then Kyler died. Clay's brother and his family came for the funeral. Since they came for the funeral they weren't able to come for thanksgiving. I don't know what possessed us but we decided to go to his sisters for thanksgiving anyway. It was awful. I would say it was probably the dumbest thing we did after we lost Kyler. I was still in physical pain, I was emotionally broken and had a short temper. I dressed up in the only nice clothes I had, the same ones I wore to Kyler's funeral and tried to put on a happy face.  I don't remember a lot about the day, I was still on pain pills from my csection and anxiety medication and I tried to use those to dull the emotions. It didn't work. I still felt and remember the emotions, I just don't remember the details. I am pretty sure I spent the evening outside playing with the dogs to keep from screaming at people. 

I honestly don't remember what we did last year. Apparently it wasn't too traumatic, but it wasn't exciting and worthwe either. This year we had multiple people asking (pressuring) us to come over for dinner. We really didn't want to and we ended up delaying the decision until it was made for us. 

Last Thursday my grandfather passed away. In order to get some of my family members in town the funeral wasn't until yesterday, the day before Thanksgiving.  We knew that after a day full of funeral activities Kalen would not be up for a 3.5 hour drive home. So we stayed the night and set out today, Thanksgiving, for the trek home.  We stopped and saw a few family members on the way home, most importantly Clay's grandma, who is now Kalens only great grandparent, who is stuck alone in the hospital recovering from hip surgery. I think it brightened her day a little to get a few visitors. 

We are almost home. I think we might stop and get some resturant takeout on our way through town. Another holiday avoided. I know as Kalen gets older, holiday avoidance will not be an option. I think next year we will switch from avoidance to service. My counselor suggested we serve meals instead of participating in activities and I think that's a great idea. 

As far as everything else, I'm surviving. With the shorter days, holidays, Kyler's birthday, ect, I would say I'm having more bad days then good. I had the meltdown that I predicted I would at work the Tuesday before last. The night before that I went to a support group meeting, mostly to support a former coworker, but also because I thought it would be helpful. I was wrong. My former co worker didn't come, but a couple who just recently lost their 4 month old to SIDS while he was in daycare came. I spent the entire next day (Tuesday) bawling at my desk at work, convinced that Kalen would die at daycare. I knew it was irrational, but then when I watched that tv episode about stillbirth the day Kyler died I, also, "knew" I was being irrational. The only difference between this at work meltdown and the one I felt coming was that I was not able to leave work.  When I was on leave with Kyler, I expected to not accrue PTO while I was out and much to my surprise I accrued the full amount.  Since I accrued the full amount last time, I expected to this time. Nope, I was wrong. I was 30 hours short which means if I miss anymore time before the end of the year, I'm supposed to get written up.  *sigh*

Anyway, that's enough sharing of my grumpiness for right now. Since it is Thanksgiving, here are a couple of things I'm greatful for. 

My Husband who loves me even when I'm crazy and takes care of Kalen when I can't. 

Kalen. 

Ranon who loves me unconditionally. 

Kyler, who helped me realize what is important. 

My good job, even though sometimes I think it's more trouble then it's worth.  It keeps us comfortable. Hopefully, though, Clay's job will take over soon on keeping us comfortable and allow me to make a change.