The Lie:
I'm doing good. I am alright. Nothing is wrong.
The truth:
I am not doing okay. It has been a very long time since I have been doing okay. Getting pregnant with Kalen just paused my grief process, it kicked back into gear as soon as I had Kalen. I relive the worst days of my life, over and over. Usually multiple times a day. I sleep and have nightmares in which someone close to me dies or I lose them in another way. I worry about pretty much everything. I have panic, I have anxiety, I have trouble interacting with other people. I am almost as bad off as I was the spring of 2012.
I knew this was coming. I tried to ask for help as soon as I had Kalen. I cried in the Dr's office. I cried at the lactation consultant's office and begged for her to put me in touch with the hospital's social worker so I could get counseling referral to someone help me best with my specific situation. The doctor upped my medication, the lactation consultant mailed me a photographed copy of a directory of general counselors and sent me on my way. I was so frustrated. I spent hours on the internet trying to find a counselor that would meet my needs. But then I gave into being a busy working mom with a young baby and I continued on pretending that it was all okay. I tried to convince myself it was okay, but I think I knew it really wasn't.
I started thinking about Kyler a lot more. Specifically I started thinking about those awful moments. The doctor's appointment on July 15 where they said there was a problem, the first surgery, the couple of weeks I went back to work and everything was going to be "fine", the last time I felt him move, the drive to the hospital, triage, labor and delivery, the operating room, holding him, saying good bye, coming home with out him, going back to work with out him. This lead to me starting to not function as well. I'd do stupid things like forgetting to clock in or out at work. Last month it really started getting to me. I started having meltdowns. I started crying again. I started crying at my desk, hiding in the bathroom crying. Days would start okay and but then I'd run into one of my triggers and my mood would darken. Some minor little bump in the road during the day would set me off. I made another appointment with my counselor and tried to be honest. She encouraged me to go back to my doctor. I went back to the doctor and he changed up my medication. The new medication is supposed to help "decrease unwanted thoughts about the traumatic event." We'll see.
The other day I was in the quiet still of the gym after my workout and I was having a hard time getting the tortuous memories of losing Kyler out of my head. Like I said, I relive these moments on a daily basis, but often I have more trouble at work then at home. Maybe work is part of the problem, or more specifically continuing to work there. For the most part I like my job. It's a good job and I really don't have any complaints, but maybe it is the being in the same place, around the same people, doing similar work is a trigger. Everywhere I turn, there is something. Maybe I just need a change, a fresh start.
On top of everything there is also the everyday life stress. Not enough hours in the day. Lack of work at Clay's job is making it really hard to pay bills. Kalen has been sick a lot, which means less sleep and lots of doctor's appointments. Doctor's appointments mean more bills. Ect, ect.
I am trying. I am going to give the new meds a chance and see if they help. I got one of those stupid pill cases so I can remember to take them consistently. I have been seeing my counselor again regularly. I go to the gym every day. I've applied for a few jobs, even though I am not sure I really want to make a career change. I've asked Clay for more help.
We'll see where it all leads, but yes, right now, I am not okay.. even when I lie and tell you I am and especially on those rare occasions where I tell you I am not okay.
