I read this comment on a stupid message board for mom's that I eat sometimes. It was about someone losing a baby "late" in the pregnancy. One lady said "a late loss would crush me". Another said "I know, I'd end up in a psych ward". Yeah..... losing a baby is crushing. Some days I think I'll end up in a psych ward. Lots of days I think it would just be easier. But, instead we just keep going, one second at a time, one minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month at a time. Before you know it, you are coming up on 3 years. Wow.
I still think of Kyler practically every minute of every day, but at the same time I think of him less. It hurts that I think of him less. At one point last week I caught myself thinking, did that all really happen? Did he really exist, was it a bad dream? I want to move farther from the horribleness but I don't want to move farther from him. I want to hold him again. I didn't get nearly enough time to hold him, look at him, smell him, remember him. To that nurse out there who very strongly encouraged me to look at him and hold him, Thank You. You were right, I would have regretted not holding him for the rest of my life. I do regret not holding him longer.
Someday I'll hold him again. I wonder what age he will be in heaven. Will he be a newborn, small child, adult? I hope some unknown combination where I still get to snuggle him, love him, teach him but where he is old enough that he is spending the time waiting for me playing and interacting with others rather then just being a newborn.
I don't have any deep thoughts or anything to close this with so I'm off to bed. Maybe Kyler will visit in my dreams tonight. If not, I'll settle for Kalen waking up and wanting a snuggle. He seems to know when I need a little extra snuggle time.
