(It looks like this didn't get published when I wrote it so it is a little out of order)
Another year has came and went. Kyler's 3rd Birthday was a couple weeks ago. It still hurts, my heart hurts often. It is an indescribable pain.
For the 4th year in a row we headed to the ocean. It was what we needed. The day started out gloomy. We waited to leave until it got light and went and dropped somethings off for Kyler.
Then we drove, and drove, and drove. The farther we drove the more the weight lifted and our mood improved. By the time we got to the coast we were all so happy to be there. Our room was wonderful, the weather was wonderful. Since this is the 4th year we have gone, I would have to say it is one of our Kyler traditions.
Happy Birthday Kyler! I love you and still miss you EVERY SINGLE DAY!
Thursday, December 25, 2014
December Over The Years
Four years ago, December 2010, I sat here looking at our Christmas tree full of hope and excitement. 2011 was going to be our year. It was suppose to be our last Christmas with just the two of us. We had one last grand hurrah kid free trip planned to Disney World just after the first of the year. Everything was falling into place. Everything was going to be perfect. We were so happy.
We went to Disney World and it was the greatest trip I had ever taken. One of those trips that you remember forever, that you never want to end. I thought it was a great omen for what was to come. That was the last time I was 100% happy. I bought a beautiful Christmas Ornament on that trip to commemorate it and the awesomeness that was going to be 2011. That was the last time big memory I have of my heart not being shattered.
Three years ago, December 2011, I sat on a beach in the sun watching the waves roll in on a beautiful Hawaiian Island praying that the warmth and sun would heal my shattered heart. It was a beautiful wonderful trip, but healing is not exactly the word for it. It did give us hope. Hope that we could continue to live a fairly good life, even with shattered hearts.
Two years ago, December 2012, I laid on the couch with my husband and dog in the perfect snow covered mountain cabin trying not to puke my guts out. Being together, being strong, but still shattered. More hope. Kalen was making his presence known with every wave of nausea.
One year ago, December 2013, two years "late" we celebrated our first Christmas with child on earth. He was still pretty small, not quite 6 months, but it was fun. We wanted to "do" Christmas for him, but still it was hard.
This year I sit here with my second child sleeping at my feet, looking at our Christmas tree. My heart is still shattered, but I am learning to live with it. That Christmas ornament we bought in Disney World is front and center on the tree, still so beautiful. Instead of commemorating the awesome year 2011 was suposed to be, I feel like it is a link to my innocent soul, to that last time I was truly carefree and happy, a link to the old Felicia. Over the past few years the ornaments we decorate the tree with has changed. There are so many opportunities to make ornaments for Kyler that the DisneyWorld one is one of the very few ornaments that are not Kyler ornaments.
I want to be hopeful about 2015 but at the same time, I don't want to expect very much. Last time I was really hopeful that I would have a great year it ended so awfully. By 2015 we were supposed to be all established. We planned to have two kids running around by now, be stable in our home and our jobs. That's not how things worked out. We have to readjust our expectations for our lives. Sometimes I still can't believe that I am living and moving forward with a shattered heart that is never going to heal.
We went to Disney World and it was the greatest trip I had ever taken. One of those trips that you remember forever, that you never want to end. I thought it was a great omen for what was to come. That was the last time I was 100% happy. I bought a beautiful Christmas Ornament on that trip to commemorate it and the awesomeness that was going to be 2011. That was the last time big memory I have of my heart not being shattered.
Three years ago, December 2011, I sat on a beach in the sun watching the waves roll in on a beautiful Hawaiian Island praying that the warmth and sun would heal my shattered heart. It was a beautiful wonderful trip, but healing is not exactly the word for it. It did give us hope. Hope that we could continue to live a fairly good life, even with shattered hearts.
Two years ago, December 2012, I laid on the couch with my husband and dog in the perfect snow covered mountain cabin trying not to puke my guts out. Being together, being strong, but still shattered. More hope. Kalen was making his presence known with every wave of nausea.
One year ago, December 2013, two years "late" we celebrated our first Christmas with child on earth. He was still pretty small, not quite 6 months, but it was fun. We wanted to "do" Christmas for him, but still it was hard.
This year I sit here with my second child sleeping at my feet, looking at our Christmas tree. My heart is still shattered, but I am learning to live with it. That Christmas ornament we bought in Disney World is front and center on the tree, still so beautiful. Instead of commemorating the awesome year 2011 was suposed to be, I feel like it is a link to my innocent soul, to that last time I was truly carefree and happy, a link to the old Felicia. Over the past few years the ornaments we decorate the tree with has changed. There are so many opportunities to make ornaments for Kyler that the DisneyWorld one is one of the very few ornaments that are not Kyler ornaments.
I want to be hopeful about 2015 but at the same time, I don't want to expect very much. Last time I was really hopeful that I would have a great year it ended so awfully. By 2015 we were supposed to be all established. We planned to have two kids running around by now, be stable in our home and our jobs. That's not how things worked out. We have to readjust our expectations for our lives. Sometimes I still can't believe that I am living and moving forward with a shattered heart that is never going to heal.
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