4 Years

Kyler would be four now.  He would be more self sufficient.  He would be learning and growing.  He could be singing in Christmas pageants.  We survived another birthday.  We took him the balloons like we always do and then headed to the coast.  For his birthday we sat on the beach.  It was a beautiful day.

Being with out him doesn't hurt any less, but it is a little easier to trudge through each day.  I have learned to deal with it a little better.  I was still had tears well up today while talking to Kalen's teacher today about Kyler.

We survived another holiday season.  Well another holiday season passed us by.  We have all been sick and it was hard to get in the Christmas spirit or decorate.  We got the tree put up the weekend after thanksgiving and put lights on it but that's as far as we got.  Christmas eve I decided we needed to at least put up Kyler's ornaments, so we did.

Now we are all hoping to feel a little better and looking forward to 2016. I am hopeful 2016 will be a good year. 

Kyler died;

Kyler died.  That very easily could have been the end of so many stories.  It could have been the end of Clay and I's love story.  It could have been the end of our story of parenthood.  It could have been the end of my story.  It could have been the end of Clay's story.  It could have been the beginning and end of Kalen's story.  It could have been the end of Kyler's story, but it is not.

Earlier today I was drawn to an article about the semicolon project which has nothing to do with this and everything to do with this at the same time.  A semicolon is used when an author could've chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to.  In the context of the semicolon project the author is you and the sentence is your life.  In the context of Kyler, his story and death are the sentence.  Clay, myself and some of our loved ones, are the authors.  It could have been the end but wasn't.  We chose a semicolon; there is more to come.

Kyler died; Clay and I love each other more now.
Kyler died; Clay and I continued the journey of parenthood.
Kyler died; I did not, even though I wanted to.
Kyler died; Clay did not, even though he wanted to.
Kyler died; God graced us with Kalen.
Kyler died; Kyler lives on through our actions and memories and makes a difference in the world every day.

I was scanning through my emails a few weeks ago and I ran across one from the national office of the support group I (still) go to.  Often I just skip over these emails because they are usually for events in St Louis.  This one I decided to read, the subject was "Do you want to become a Share Companion."  I had not heard of the program before, but as soon as I read the email I knew it is something that is needed.  It is a program that pairs parents who are further down the road with newly bereaved parents, sometimes even while they are still in the hospital.  I want to do it but I admit, I have doubts that I am strong enough for it.  A few days later I went to my support group and talked with the two other people there that night about it.  In talking to them we all agreed it is a very needed program and we decided to do it.  I am still nervous about being strong enough to do it, but someone needs to.  Where would I be if the Share group leader had decided running group was too hard on her?  Unfortunately the official training is very costly and in St Louis and would be quite a burden to attend, but we have been in contact with the local Share chapter leaders and they have said we should go ahead and just do it even if we can't attend the training.  They said the best training we could get to do something like this is to live it.  I am not exactly sure how it is all going to work, but I think we will do good and give back to the community that has helped us all so much.  At the same time it gives us a chance to continue the story of Kyler, Dre and Luke.

The Fourth of July was a couple days ago.  If you were to ask me what my favorite holiday is I would tell you, with out hesitation, the 4th of July.  I am really not so sure about that anymore, though.  This year we didn't do anything.  We didn't buy any fireworks, attend any barbeque's.  Clay was in bed before it got dark, Kalen followed not to long after.  I didn't miss any of it for one second.  I spent most of the day either in tears or close to it, which doesn't happen all that often any more.  Something just hit me.  That one blissfully, happy, perfect, 4th of July 4 years ago was weighing heavy on my mind in a sort of flash back kind of way.  Kyler's only 4th of July.  He only had one and it is not fair.   I want to go back to that day.  That perfect day a mere 11 days before our world started to crumble.  I want the road to take a different turn.  I want both of my kiddo's here with me watching fire works, sharing my favorite holiday and being incredibly cute.  The 4th of July really really hurt this year.  Maybe it isn't my favorite holiday any more.  Maybe I just don't have favorite holidays any more.  I really am not a fan of any of them at this point.

Kyler, I love you and miss you.. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Hey, girl in the pictures... Take Cover!

I can get lost in pictures easily.  Tonight I happened to open the photos folder on my computer and somehow ended up in the photos from Kyler's baby shower.  I look at pictures from before we had Kyler and it doesn't feel like it's me in the pictures. That girl was a different person.  I feel like the pictures from when I was pregnant and just before are like the moments before impact pictures.  Everything was fine, as far as we knew, but the bomb had been dropped and was hurtling towards us.  I remember so much and I remember so little.  The baby shower had slipped my mind recently until I looked at the pictures tonight.  Tonight I remember it all.  Sometimes I want to scream at that girl in the pictures to take cover, but of course I can't. 

My reality is different.  I know that your whole world can change in a matter of seconds.  The worst thing possible can and does happen.  I've been called an optimist often, even since we had Kyler, even today as a matter of fact.  I'm not sure that's entirely true.  I hope for the best and want to believe only good things will happen and will try to convince you of that, but in my mind I'm thinking the worst case scenario and preparing myself for dealing with it if it happens, which also entails thinking about if it would matter if worst case happened.  In reality the worst case in most situations is not that bad.  Death is the ultimate worst case, and usually death is not a threat.  I guess that the perspective I have about what really matters does in turn make me a little of an optimist. 

I struggle with a lot of things and a lot of times I feel awful about it, but I try to remind myself to be gentle with myself still.  I'm not saying it's right, but I have a reason to be pissed when kids get knocked up accidentally and I couldn't even keep my very well planned first baby alive, or when local mom's show up on the news very early in their pregnancy with quads just assuming that their pregnancy will go fine and they will take home healthy babies. (And of course they did take home all 4 healthy babies).  I don't wish anything bad on these mom's or babies, it's mostly just jealousy that I can't control, but I can control my actions so I keep these feelings to myself as much as I can.  This is one of the reasons I still go to my support group when I can.  It gives me a place to discuss these sorts of things without feeling judged.

Mother's day came and went again.  It's still not anywhere on my list of favorite holidays, but this year want as hard.  I got to go to a brunch at daycare with Kalen the Friday before and that was awesome.  I was worried that it might be hard but it wasn't too bad, although I did cry in the car on the way back to work. I spent actual mothers day hanging out with Kalen which was all I could have (realistically) asked for.

Everything has mellowed out in our lives over the past couple months.  We both have jobs we like and it seems like we are finally on calm seas.  It feels good to be happy and not have to worry as much.  As egotistical as it sounds, I feel like we effing deserve a break. 

Not a figment of my imagination

Tomorrow will start with out you, just as it does each day. Actually, I'm never with out you, even though it seems that way.  The days just keep rolling by, moving me farther and farther from you. But am I getting farther or am I getting closer to you?  I think about you every day and sometimes you send a sign that you are always here and we will be together in time.

This weekend Kalen was playing, running outside and back in.  I had Pandora turned up on the TV and was cleaning while I watched my little busy body. Your song came on and Kalen came in and just stood there and stared at the TV for the whole song.  Thanks for reminding me that you are always here and you and Kalen have a special bond.

It still hurts like nothing I can describe. Nights are no where near as bad as they once were.  It's a different kind of pain now. Lots of times it is this ever present pain that I've just learned how to live with and function through.  It's kind of like a sore joint or toothache that you just deal with and make accommodations for so you can live with it.  Chronic pain. Every once in awhile though something happens that reminds you just how much it hurts and makes it hurt worse.

A couple days ago I got a face book notification, you have a memory from 4 years ago it said. I open it to find a bunch of Kyler's ultrasound pictures. Early ones where he was tiny and we didn't know he was a boy yet, but he was still a little person.  At that time, we had no idea of the impassable road that laid before us. Everything was perfect. The next day, another notification, another memory. A picture of Clay and I.  4 years ago. Pregnant, happy, innocent, exceedlingly clueless.  I don't recognize that person anymore.  And 4 years?  Really?? It seems like days.

I could turn off these notifications, but I don't think I will.  I'm not sure I can explain why. I guess it's because I can't ignore it, it's part of me.

I went to Lowe's today and Kalen was playing around in his race car cart as we were checking out. The checker looked up and said, "So you have two boys?"  I looked around totally confused.  "No, just the one." I replied.  Although I don't like doing it, one child is my normal polite small talk response to THE question..."How many kids do you have?"  Now it was her turn to be confused, "Oh I saw your necklace..."  Yes my necklace with the two little boys on it.  Caught in my half truth I got the opportunity to share with her that I actually did have a second boy but he passed away.

I think about Kyler every day, in fact I would say I actually think about him every hour of every day.  He's always here but I'm often surprised and comforted when someone helps bring him out of my imagination and into reality.

I'm Sorry Kyler

I'm sorry Kyler,

As you know, I started a new job recently.  Everyone keeps seeing my pictures of Kalen or they hear me talk about him and they ask if he is my only child.  I keep telling them yes.  I'm sorry.  Your picture is displayed on my new desk right beside Kalen's but everyone just assumes it is him as well.  I love you and I want to share you with them.  You are such a special part of my life that I think I am guarding your memory.  I want them to know you and my love for you, not just a tragic story.  I want them to know that although I would do anything to have you back, having you and missing you has made me a better person.  I feel like after they get to know me a little it will be a better time to tell them about you, but I'm sorry.  My heart breaks every time I don't tell someone about you.  I want to scream, NO! Kalen has a big brother! His name is Kyler and I love him every bit as much as Kalen.  With time I will feel comfortable telling them.  But until then, know that I love you ever second of ever single day, even if I don't tell people about you.

Love,
Mama