I can get lost in pictures easily. Tonight I happened to open the photos folder on my computer and somehow ended up in the photos from Kyler's baby shower. I look at pictures from before we had Kyler and it doesn't feel like it's me in the pictures. That girl was a different person. I feel like the pictures from when I was pregnant and just before are like the moments before impact pictures. Everything was fine, as far as we knew, but the bomb had been dropped and was hurtling towards us. I remember so much and I remember so little. The baby shower had slipped my mind recently until I looked at the pictures tonight. Tonight I remember it all. Sometimes I want to scream at that girl in the pictures to take cover, but of course I can't.
My reality is different. I know that your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. The worst thing possible can and does happen. I've been called an optimist often, even since we had Kyler, even today as a matter of fact. I'm not sure that's entirely true. I hope for the best and want to believe only good things will happen and will try to convince you of that, but in my mind I'm thinking the worst case scenario and preparing myself for dealing with it if it happens, which also entails thinking about if it would matter if worst case happened. In reality the worst case in most situations is not that bad. Death is the ultimate worst case, and usually death is not a threat. I guess that the perspective I have about what really matters does in turn make me a little of an optimist.
I struggle with a lot of things and a lot of times I feel awful about it, but I try to remind myself to be gentle with myself still. I'm not saying it's right, but I have a reason to be pissed when kids get knocked up accidentally and I couldn't even keep my very well planned first baby alive, or when local mom's show up on the news very early in their pregnancy with quads just assuming that their pregnancy will go fine and they will take home healthy babies. (And of course they did take home all 4 healthy babies). I don't wish anything bad on these mom's or babies, it's mostly just jealousy that I can't control, but I can control my actions so I keep these feelings to myself as much as I can. This is one of the reasons I still go to my support group when I can. It gives me a place to discuss these sorts of things without feeling judged.
Mother's day came and went again. It's still not anywhere on my list of favorite holidays, but this year want as hard. I got to go to a brunch at daycare with Kalen the Friday before and that was awesome. I was worried that it might be hard but it wasn't too bad, although I did cry in the car on the way back to work. I spent actual mothers day hanging out with Kalen which was all I could have (realistically) asked for.
Everything has mellowed out in our lives over the past couple months. We both have jobs we like and it seems like we are finally on calm seas. It feels good to be happy and not have to worry as much. As egotistical as it sounds, I feel like we effing deserve a break.
