Kyler died. That very easily could have been the end of so many stories. It could have been the end of Clay and I's love story. It could have been the end of our story of parenthood. It could have been the end of my story. It could have been the end of Clay's story. It could have been the beginning and end of Kalen's story. It could have been the end of Kyler's story, but it is not.
Earlier today I was drawn to an article about the semicolon project which has nothing to do with this and everything to do with this at the same time. A semicolon is used when an author could've chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. In the context of the semicolon project the author is you and the sentence is your life. In the context of Kyler, his story and death are the sentence. Clay, myself and some of our loved ones, are the authors. It could have been the end but wasn't. We chose a semicolon; there is more to come.
Kyler died; Clay and I love each other more now.
Kyler died; Clay and I continued the journey of parenthood.
Kyler died; I did not, even though I wanted to.
Kyler died; Clay did not, even though he wanted to.
Kyler died; God graced us with Kalen.
Kyler died; Kyler lives on through our actions and memories and makes a difference in the world every day.
I was scanning through my emails a few weeks ago and I ran across one from the national office of the support group I (still) go to. Often I just skip over these emails because they are usually for events in St Louis. This one I decided to read, the subject was "Do you want to become a Share Companion." I had not heard of the program before, but as soon as I read the email I knew it is something that is needed. It is a program that pairs parents who are further down the road with newly bereaved parents, sometimes even while they are still in the hospital. I want to do it but I admit, I have doubts that I am strong enough for it. A few days later I went to my support group and talked with the two other people there that night about it. In talking to them we all agreed it is a very needed program and we decided to do it. I am still nervous about being strong enough to do it, but someone needs to. Where would I be if the Share group leader had decided running group was too hard on her? Unfortunately the official training is very costly and in St Louis and would be quite a burden to attend, but we have been in contact with the local Share chapter leaders and they have said we should go ahead and just do it even if we can't attend the training. They said the best training we could get to do something like this is to live it. I am not exactly sure how it is all going to work, but I think we will do good and give back to the community that has helped us all so much. At the same time it gives us a chance to continue the story of Kyler, Dre and Luke.
The Fourth of July was a couple days ago. If you were to ask me what my favorite holiday is I would tell you, with out hesitation, the 4th of July. I am really not so sure about that anymore, though. This year we didn't do anything. We didn't buy any fireworks, attend any barbeque's. Clay was in bed before it got dark, Kalen followed not to long after. I didn't miss any of it for one second. I spent most of the day either in tears or close to it, which doesn't happen all that often any more. Something just hit me. That one blissfully, happy, perfect, 4th of July 4 years ago was weighing heavy on my mind in a sort of flash back kind of way. Kyler's only 4th of July. He only had one and it is not fair. I want to go back to that day. That perfect day a mere 11 days before our world started to crumble. I want the road to take a different turn. I want both of my kiddo's here with me watching fire works, sharing my favorite holiday and being incredibly cute. The 4th of July really really hurt this year. Maybe it isn't my favorite holiday any more. Maybe I just don't have favorite holidays any more. I really am not a fan of any of them at this point.
Kyler, I love you and miss you.. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
