It's 7AM and I've been awake for hours. I just can't get my brain to turn off. I come home from work exhausted but as soon as I lie down my brain starts working. I think that I fell asleep last night after lying in bed for 4 hours. Then a little after 4 I had to get up to use the bathroom and that was the end of my nights sleep, my brain kicked back in gear.
A lot of the time that I do sleep I have nightmares. The subjects of my nightmares vary, but the worst ones are of losing this baby or losing Clay. At least when I wake up after one where I lost Clay I can just snuggle up to him, he's there.
Last night before I went to bed I was having contractions. I have them all the time, it's fairly normal, but I have to be conscious of them. More then 4 an hour can be trouble. Of course I was worried that I would fall asleep and they would get worse and I wouldn't know it. If were to get any worse we would have to go in to be monitored, down to Labor and Delivery. Having to go back to Labor and Delivery (which is pretty much inevitable) scares the crap out of me, in fact just thinking about it is enough to start up a panic attack. We have some horrible awful memories from labor and delivery triage. I am afraid that walking in there would be enough to trigger a full flashback. Of course, if I thought something was really wrong, I'd go.
I've also been worrying about work a lot. They couldn't afford me to go to part time when I did, but now another one of the supervisors is leaving and they aren't replacing him. That means they need me even more. It makes me feel pretty bad and pretty useless. When I ask my boss what I can do for her, she usually says, "be able to work 40 hours again." This week she told me "you know the timing of this pregnancy really sucks for me." Yeah I know. This morning I woke up worrying about a couple things that I should have finished up yesterday but didn't have time to. Since it is the weekend and I won't be back in until 3:30 on Monday, I just went ahead and dialed in and did it even though I shouldn't have. I didn't want to worry about it all weekend. I'll probably get in trouble. I am still pushing my boss to see if I could work a few hours from home, but it still looks like it won't happen. My boss said she was talking with her boss about making me salaried this week, but they can't because I am on restricted hours. I'm worrying about that as well. I don't want to be salaried, I don't want to be on call. I'll try the oncall thing as part of a rotation to help out my boss and the other supervisors after I am off of restriction, but salaried scares me. My boss works at least 60 hours a week. If Kalen gets here, I can't do that. I want to work less, not more. I am really really hoping that Clay gets a good job with benefits that will break the monetary hold this job has on me. Then I will just have to work on the emotional hold.
I could ask my doctor for some different sleeping pills, but right now I am on the safest ones for pregnancy. I'd like to be knocked out at night more, but I'd rather stay on the safer pills and not sleep then possibly harm Kalen. I am sure the doctor will ask me about it on Tuesday. We'll see what she says.
Most days I am able to sleep hard, long and dream free mid mornings. That keeps me from going too crazy. In fact I think it is about time to head back to bed.
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