October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I still had the poster I made for Kyler last year hanging at my desk. On the first of october, I decided it was Kyler's month and I swapped Kalen's picture and Kyler's so now Kyler's is front and center. I haven't gotten any comments about it yet, but I am sure I will. I think October and November will always be Kyler's months.
November 6th is coming up quick. Kyler would have been 2 years old. Clay and I both took most of the week of Kyler's birthday off of work. We ended up making Kalen's 4 month doctor's appointment on Kyler's birthday. Kalen is going to have to get shots that day so he will be kind of clingy. Clay and I decided that it was okay because it might be kind of helpful for us to spend the day cuddling Kalen. We are thinking about going somewhere but we can't decide where. We want to go to the coast, but we are not sure if Kalen would be up to the drive. We took the time off work because we don't feel like we want to be there slaving away, it is an important time, but at the same time we don't want to spend the time moping around. We need to celebrate the fact that Kyler was here even if briefly and we have made it 2 years since his death.
As the day's get shorter and the weather gets colder, it is getting harder again. It still hurts. Sometimes, especially at night, the grief sits on my chest like a ton of bricks and I can't breathe. Sometimes when I am driving to work, I have flash backs. I see the cold gloomy winter day, the leaves swirling around on the connector just like the day we lost Kyler. Kalen is healing in most ways. Lots of times when I am really missing Kyler, I just want to snuggle with Kalen. Sometimes, though it is rough being with him. I look at him and think that either his two year old brother should be right there next to him or I think that he shouldn't even be here. If Kyler had lived, we wouldn't have had another baby so quickly. Sometimes I am bitter. We have changed our plans from having two kids to having two living kids. I have already been through two rough pregnancies, I should be done, I should have my two living kids, but no. I'm trying not to think about that too much right now, we have at least a year before we will start thinking about crossing that bridge. I have been doing better bonding with Kalen then I did at first but that also makes it harder. It makes me love Kyler even more and miss him even more. With Kyler I felt that instant mommy bond the second I held him and now I am understanding even more how it could have grown even more, which I didn't think was possible. As I bond more with Kalen, I have more panic and anxiety that I might lose him too.
The holidays are also coming up quickly. I think I hate holidays now. I am excited to see how Kalen likes Christmas lights, but that is about it. I want to run away again this year and avoid it like we did last year but I don't think we can make that happen. I hope in a few years my feelings about holidays change a little bit so I can make them fun and exciting for Kalen.
I am sure I'll write again around Kyler's birthday, but in case I get too wrapped up in other things. How far have we come in 2 years?
- I don't cry often
- I haven't had to leave work because I couldn't stop crying (although I feel like I might get blindsided soon)
- It still hurts every day
- I've met a lot of great people
- I have more compassion
- I have a lot less patience
- I don't sweat the small stuff as much
- I stand up for myself a little more
- I know more about what I want in life and what is important
- I still have days that I feel like it couldn't have happened to us
- I still have times when I feel the gut punch
