Early early last Monday morning I had just gotten done in the gym and was getting ready for the day. My strength is gone, the last two and a half years have taken there toll on me. I look in the mirror, the person looking back at me has just about lost all hope. Something has to change and it has to change today for her to continue to survive.
Clay has had a few job interviews, even one that he didn't apply for, but no call backs. He should have heard back already. I've been told I being put back in the position I was in 3 years ago, the last 2 years of work were for nothing. The bills are mounting. We've been barely hanging on financially, I know the hospital bill from the week Kalen was sick is coming soon, I've seen the pre-insurance amount, $7000. We are just sinking deeper into a hole and I am starting to think won't be able to get out.
Earlier that morning while I was in the gym I was reading a (non-fiction) book where the main character has lost almost all hope and he breaks down and asks God for help. I don't pray often, my problems are pretty small in the scheme of things. But this day I needed help, a lot of help that I wasn't sure I could get elsewhere. Standing there in the locker room I cried and I prayed, "Please help me, help things start turning around for us. I need help and I really need it today. I at least need a sign that things are going to turn around."
I pulled myself together and went up to work, forgetting about the prayer. I had a meeting that went exceptionally badly. By the time I went to lunch I was even more done then I was earlier that morning. While I was on my lunch I started texting my husband about how frustrated I was. I received a message back from him It says, "I'm sorry, but the good news is I got a job and I start on the 5th." Instantly most of the weight of the last two years fell off my shoulders.
I am no longer stuck. We can pay off our bills. We won't incur any more significant medical bills, because he will get awesome insurance (even if we have to change doctors). It will take a few months to get our bills paid off, but then I won't have to work. I will likely work somewhere part time, maybe even where I am at if I am able, but I don't have to. I can be a better mom to Kalen. I can spend more time with him. I can be happier.
In an instant my prayer was answered, I am excited for the future again. Things are back on track. It is even better then I was praying for.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Stagnant
I can't believe that it has been over a month since I was in full meltdown mode. The medication change has helped me a little bit. I'm still not well. Lately it has felt like I've been taking one step forward and one step back, not gaining any ground.
There has been a lot of unrest and drama at work. One day I think I'll ride it out and see where it goes, the next I'll be dead set on leaving. Somedays, like today, I'll be ready to walk out in the morning and okay with everything by the end of the day. I might be going back to doing what I was when I had Kyler and in the months directly after, or I might even be sent back to do what I did years ago, long before Kyler. I don't think that will be good for me, but I don't have much choice in the matter. I'm still angry. Angry at little things, angry at bigger things. Today I was irate because someone left a computer on my desk with out any explanation and in a messy pile. I probably should go do a medication follow up to see if we can adjust it so I don't swing up and down quite as much. I am not sure I am ready to admit that I need more help.
My husband has had a couple job interviews that have went well and I've let myself start to believe that there is hope of him getting a steady job, then he doesn't hear back from the company. It is very discouraging. I am sure it is even more discouraging to him.
Kalen got really sick a couple of weeks ago. We had to take him into the Dr and ER multiple times. They finally admitted him after the 2nd ER visit. He was dehydrated and his oxygen was low. I knew that he needed it, in fact I had wanted them to admit him the first time we went to the ER, but it was hard when they were taking him up to his room. I have already left that hospital with out one of my children. He did, of course, get better and is doing great now which I am thankful for, but I can't believe that on top of everything else we now have 2 ER bills and 2 nights in the hospital we have to figure out how to pay for even though we have nothing extra. It seems like we just can't catch a break.
I know that it could be worse, it could be much worse. I feel bad for having a pity party when we do have a lot to be thankful for, but with everything that has happened over the last 3 years I really need the load to start lightning and it doesn't seem to be headed in that direction. I am not sure I can keep all the balls in the air for much longer.
The weather is helping me a little. I am planning on having a large garden this year along with lots of flowers. I am hoping that the weather is good this weekend so I can spend a few hours in the yard. Physical labor in the sun that I have something to show for when I am done is really helpful for me. I offered to mow one of my friends yards this summer too.
We stopped by Kyler's grave this weekend. The weekend before we had gone and left him some tulips from my yard. This weekend they were still just as beautiful as when we left them. It feels like a sign that they lasted so long. I am not sure what sort of sign though, maybe just a sign that he liked them. This weekend when I looked at his headstone and for some reason the date hit me. November 6 2011, the worst day of my life is forever etched on his headstone. I can't explain the feeling that I had when I looked at that date, it was kind of like I got run over by a truck.
Since we've lost Kyler it has bothered me that I don't feel like I do anything important, so I try to find little things that I can do that make some sort of difference. Yesterday I went and donated blood. It is pretty nice to be able to just pop in and save a couple lives when you are having a bad day.
There has been a lot of unrest and drama at work. One day I think I'll ride it out and see where it goes, the next I'll be dead set on leaving. Somedays, like today, I'll be ready to walk out in the morning and okay with everything by the end of the day. I might be going back to doing what I was when I had Kyler and in the months directly after, or I might even be sent back to do what I did years ago, long before Kyler. I don't think that will be good for me, but I don't have much choice in the matter. I'm still angry. Angry at little things, angry at bigger things. Today I was irate because someone left a computer on my desk with out any explanation and in a messy pile. I probably should go do a medication follow up to see if we can adjust it so I don't swing up and down quite as much. I am not sure I am ready to admit that I need more help.
My husband has had a couple job interviews that have went well and I've let myself start to believe that there is hope of him getting a steady job, then he doesn't hear back from the company. It is very discouraging. I am sure it is even more discouraging to him.
Kalen got really sick a couple of weeks ago. We had to take him into the Dr and ER multiple times. They finally admitted him after the 2nd ER visit. He was dehydrated and his oxygen was low. I knew that he needed it, in fact I had wanted them to admit him the first time we went to the ER, but it was hard when they were taking him up to his room. I have already left that hospital with out one of my children. He did, of course, get better and is doing great now which I am thankful for, but I can't believe that on top of everything else we now have 2 ER bills and 2 nights in the hospital we have to figure out how to pay for even though we have nothing extra. It seems like we just can't catch a break.
I know that it could be worse, it could be much worse. I feel bad for having a pity party when we do have a lot to be thankful for, but with everything that has happened over the last 3 years I really need the load to start lightning and it doesn't seem to be headed in that direction. I am not sure I can keep all the balls in the air for much longer.
The weather is helping me a little. I am planning on having a large garden this year along with lots of flowers. I am hoping that the weather is good this weekend so I can spend a few hours in the yard. Physical labor in the sun that I have something to show for when I am done is really helpful for me. I offered to mow one of my friends yards this summer too.
We stopped by Kyler's grave this weekend. The weekend before we had gone and left him some tulips from my yard. This weekend they were still just as beautiful as when we left them. It feels like a sign that they lasted so long. I am not sure what sort of sign though, maybe just a sign that he liked them. This weekend when I looked at his headstone and for some reason the date hit me. November 6 2011, the worst day of my life is forever etched on his headstone. I can't explain the feeling that I had when I looked at that date, it was kind of like I got run over by a truck.
Since we've lost Kyler it has bothered me that I don't feel like I do anything important, so I try to find little things that I can do that make some sort of difference. Yesterday I went and donated blood. It is pretty nice to be able to just pop in and save a couple lives when you are having a bad day.
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