It's Complicated

Everyday I wake up early and think, "I don't have to work today."  After I realize I don't have to work, I think about getting up, but realize I am still tired and I have the luxury of not having to get up.  Then I go back to sleep.  When I wake up a few hours later I am again grateful that I am able to sleep when I need to and cuddle with the dog.  As much as I don't like being stuck in the house by myself all day every day, there are some silver linings.

I have been thinking about Kyler a lot more lately.  It's so complicated.  We packed up a lot of his stuff the other day.  He still has a spot, but his things are more condensed and a lot of his clothes, blankets, diapers ect are rearranged in Kalen's room for him to use.  Last week we had pulled out a lot of his things so I could sort through them.  I hadn't gotten to the sorting yet and they were just sitting here on our coffee table.  All of a sudden I had to see him.  Frantically I dug through everything to find the two CD's of pictures I have of him so I could go through each and every one of his pictures.  I have also been sleeping with his blanket and bear a lot more lately.

I realized the other day that I haven't been thinking and imagining Kalen past the first few months.  When I was pregnant with Kyler we imagined him at all ages, as a toddler wandering around a campsite behind Clay, learning to fish, sitting in the first day of Kindergarten, being a cub scout and then a boy scout, becoming a teenager, graduating, dating.. all of that.  I don't really have those daydreams with Kalen.  I guess it is just a protective thing.  I don't want to have to un-imagine those things.

Last week I also ordered stamps.  Just a little normal everyday thing, right?  Not really.  The last time I ordered stamps was a few weeks before Kyler was born.  I ordered a bunch of "Love" stamps to use on the thank you notes and birth announcements.  There were no birth announcements.  A month or so after Kyler was born, the bills started rolling in.  The happy "Love" stamps I had bought for his announcements ended up being used to send in bills in the aftermath.  The week before last, I asked my husband to mail some bills for me and he told me we were almost out of stamps, Kyler's stamps are almost all gone.  I guess it is appropriate for them to run out now.  Again, I ordered a bunch of "Love" stamps (they are different then Kyler's) for birth announcements.  I really hope that is what they are used for.

I have also been having nightmares, almost every night.  They usually don't have much to do with Kyler or Kalen, they are just random.  Last night they were about one of my nieces, my sister and one of my co-workers who has been having some trouble.  The night before that it was about Clay.  I think it is just a manifestation of the fear I have about Kalen.

We did get Kalen's room done.  It turned out great.

I'm glad we got it done.  There are a few times I've gone in and looked around and been sad that it's different now, but it is great for Kalen.

Mother's Day wasn't too bad.  I probably cried more the day before then the day of.  I slept in and let Clay go to breakfast with his mom.  On his way back, Clay did a huge thing for me.  We had portraits scheduled and I had been crying about not having anything to wear.  As my mother's day present Clay stopped at the maternity store in the mall for me all by him self and picked me out a couple new things to wear.  He is so awesome.  We didn't do to much that day, but we did take some flowers out to Kalen.

I had my photo shoot on Thursday.  It was a maternity photo shoot.  I didn't have many pregnancy pictures taken with Kyler and we have taken even less with Kalen.  A couple of closely spaced pregnancies with activity restrictions on both have made me less excited to have my picture taken.  I decided that I should get get some good pictures taken though.  We should get them back in a few days.  I am excited to see them.  We have her scheduled to come back after Kalen is born to do some newborn ones.  It's one of those things that Kyler changed with us, made us realize that there are some times when you need some good pictures.  

Tomorrow is our group meeting.  I want to go but I can't decide if we should.  I think it would help me with somethings but again.. I don't want to be the pregnant girl at the dead baby club.  We'll see what I decide.

Not working has also been hard.  I know that they really need me.  They have had even more drama since I left.  I also hate being "left out".  It feels like I am being "left behind" especially since I probably won't be able to go back into work for a few more months.  My doctor said I might be able to work from home a little bit in a few weeks.  I have mixed feelings about that.  I want to be able to help out and have something useful to do, but I also think that it would be frustrating not being able to help more.

I've been trying to think of some good way to end this post, some nice words, a closing statement or something to tie it all together, but I can't so I guess this will just come to an abrupt end.  Until next time.

Eff You Mother's Day

I've been hiding from it, ignoring it, wishing it would go away, but it will come morning just like it does every year. The holiday I wish would just disappear. Mothers Day. *Sigh*  Last year wasn't that bad. Clay and I bought and released 5000 butterflies, went hiking out in the middle of no where, grabbed lunch/dinner at a deserted restaurant, then we came home and blew bubbles, and did some chalk art.

I think the big difference this year is last year Kyler would  have only been 6 months old.  I didn't think much about what he and I would have done, because he would have been so little.  This year we would have had fun.  This year he would have loved to play with chalk, blow bubbles, look for bugs and hang out outside.  I want to spend the day playing with him.  I want to get a simple homemade card from him.  Just a piece of construction paper folded in half and scribbled on.  I won't get it though.  I won't be able to do much tomorrow.  Maybe I will be able to sneak outside and blow bubbles... from a chair.  On top of missing him I am pregnant this year.. again. Two years ago I was naively pregnant.  I hadn't had any complications yet.  I was hopeful but I didn't even know that I needed to hope.  After all, the next mother's day I was sure I'd have a baby in my arms.  I liked the "mother to be" presents and cards I received that year. This year it's complicated.  I've gotten a few cards, and I appreciate them, but they just don't seem appropriate.  Yeah. I'm pretty sure my life and the rest of the bereaved mother's lives would be simpler if mothers day was abandoned, if you could just skip over it.

So this year I am saying Eff you Mother's Day.  I am protesting it.  I am boycotting it.  I am sorry if you were expecting to do something with me this year or expecting me to do something for you.  I just can't support the day this year.  I don't think I will leave the house (I am not supposed to anyway.)  I am going to hide under the covers and pretend it just another day. Maybe I'll feel a little differently next year if Kalen gets here safely.  Maybe next year we will reinstate it. Maybe not.

I am sorry to all the Mothers and Fathers who have to navigate these holidays (Mother's Day and Father's Day) with out their children, especially those who's children are in Heaven.

I think at the very least I'll make myself some cinnamon rolls as I send Clay off to do breakfast with his mom.  Then I'll go back to hide under the cover's with the dog, Kalen, Kyler's blanket and his bear.  I won't be participating in the outside world tomorrow, just me Kalen, Kyler, Ranon and Clay.

Be Careful What you Wish For

Reading through my blog from last week, it seems a lot of my concerns from last week have worked themselves out.  I started having contractions on Tuesday night.  They were coming pretty strong and fast, but then about the time I was going to give up and go to the hospital, they went away.  The same thing happened the next night.  Then Thursday I went into work early like I normally do to go to our leadership staff meeting.  While in the leadership staff meeting, my boss was talking about how our team was dropping like flies.  We had one girl with two deaths in the family, one who sliced her hand open and one with some pretty bad back problems.  I made a joke, "Well I won't tell you about the contractions I've been having.  I'll probably be the next one to drop."  It looks like it wasn't that funny of a joke.  About an hour before I was supposed to leave work I started having contractions again.  I had to go to the doctor anyway to get my weekly torture shot so I had them check me out when I got over there.

The doctor did exactly what I thought she would and sent me straight over to the hospital to be monitored.  I didn't like the idea of going into L&D triage (where we found out Kyler was dead), but it wasn't that bad, especially since Kalen was rocking and rolling on my way over there.  My doctor called over and had a nurse that knew at least a little bit about my story waiting for me.  It was still hard.  The nurse made sure that we were in a different room then I was with Kyler.  She had a hard time getting the heart rate monitor on him but that was just because he was being a pill.  Every time she would get the monitor on him he'd move and kick at it just as she strapped it down.  She finally got it on him, where it would only work if I held it down.  :D  The only bad part really was she picked up my heart a few times on the monitor while she was trying to find his, which wasn't really scary since he was moving, but then she asked if I knew and could tell the difference between how my heart sounded and his.  Yeah, I do... better then the nurses who saw me when we went in after Kyler stopped moving. They had tried to tell me that my heart beat was Kyler's.  It wasn't, I knew it wasn't.  Anyway.  I spent a little over an hour in triage being monitored for contractions, holding the monitor down on stinker Kalen to keep his heart rate monitored.

I was indeed having contractions.  They gave me a terbutaline shot to stop the contractions.  I'd read a bit in terbutaline with Kyler and knew it wasn't anything fun.  As the nurse gave it to me she told me "I've never taken meth, but I'd imagine this is what it feels like."  It wasn't fun, but at least the icky feeling didn't last long.  The terbutaline calmed down my contractions and they sent me home with a prescription for nifedipine to keep them under control and instructions for.... bedrest.

It looks like I get my wish to curl up in bed with the puppy for the next couple months.  Be careful what you wish for, right?   The nifedipine has been keeping my contractions under control though, which is good news.  It makes me feel like crap.  Headaches that turn into migraines if I am not careful, sleepiness, general yucky feeling, but at least that motivates me to follow the bedrest instructions.  My next doctor's appointment is Tuesday.  I am hoping if my contractions stay under control she will let me do a few things around the house, but I am pretty sure I am done with work until after Kalen get's here.  Even if I do have to continue on bedrest this time it will only be 5 weeks, instead of the 14 weeks I had with Kyler (they take you off of bedrest at 36 weeks).  Plus we have things worked out where I can be pretty self sufficient while Clay is at work and it is only maybe 1/10th as scary as it was last time.

I am a little worried about getting my disability payments going.  In a perfect world I'd get paid 60% of full time, but I am afraid that since I've been working part time for the last four months (on FMLA) that they will only pay me 60% of the part time.  At least 60% of the part time would cover my insurance premiums.  Worst case is they will say since I have been part time that I don't qualify for disability, but that shouldn't happen, knock on wood.  The FMLA was supposed to keep my benefit status at full time.  I'll tackle that fight on Tuesday after I have more information from my doctor on what she is expecting to happen.

Of course the big plan is for Kalen to hang out until his scheduled debut July 2.  :D