Friday November 4th

Friday November 4th.  The last time the world had a Friday November 4th I was happily pregnant with my first child.  We had just recently made it "out of the woods" with the pregnancy.  I had completed more then 3 months of strict bed rest due to complications that had arose during the 22nd week of pregnancy, but I made it.  I was full term.  I was back at work waiting out the remaining days until he arrived, pushing his little feet and bum down out of my rib cage while I did the menial tasks my work was nice enough to give me since they knew my return would be short lived.  I joked with my coworkers who said they were prepared to deliver my baby right there in the middle of the call center should the need arise.  I told everyone how relieved I was that he wasn't going to be a Halloween baby and how I was hoping he wouldn't be born on my birthday.  I confided in one of my other co-workers how scared I was of becoming a mom.  I had no doubt that he would be born alive and healthy.

I was wrong.

Within 24 hours he was dead.

This is the first time since he was born that the dates of the year line up with the same days of the week as 2011.  Although each year is a tiny bit easier to deal with then the one before, the days of the week lining up this year has made it harder.

We are taking our two beautiful rainbow babies and running away tomorrow.  Out of the chilly fall valley that triggers my flashbacks and panic attacks.  I'm a firm believer that sometimes it is just better to run away and avoid triggers.  Hopefully tomorrow as we get farther from the valley the gloom and pain will start to lift, like it has in years past and we can have a nice little vacation/remembrance/birthday at the coast.

I just have to make it though today, first.

We love you and miss you Kyler.  Every. Single. Day.
   

I'm having another baby this week.....

It's been a long long time since I've been able to sit down and write.  I have meant to multiple times but something has always come up.  

I am having another baby this week.  I am pregnant with a little girl and I am scheduled to have a c-section on Friday unless she decides she wants to come earlier.  My pregnancy this time has been a lot easier in many ways.  I haven't had any complications, no bedrest or activity restrictions, I was able to continue working the entire pregnancy.  I am grateful that I have been able to have one "normal" pregnancy, but even my "normal" pregnancy is not a normal happy pregnancy.  Getting pregnant does not mean I automatically get to take home a baby.  Having no complications does not mean I automatically get to take home a baby.  I sit here at 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant feeling her wiggle around and that does not automatically mean I get to take home a baby.  "Aren't you glad you've made it?" people ask.  I haven't made it, she could still die.  Don't get me wrong, I want her to live, I need her to live, but just because she is here now doesn't automatically mean she will.  I know that all too well.  Kyler was alive and perfect at this point too. 

I've enjoyed this pregnancy more then with Kyler or Kalen and I've allowed myself to get more invested. Now that we are down to the final week I'm excited and I'm super scared that I'm excited. What if something happens?  I know statistics are on my side, statistically nothing should happen. Statistics were in my side with Kyler too, statistically nothing should have happened with him.  Statistics say he should be here now. 

So here we are, less then a week away from having our baby girl. I can't stop thinking how much I want to hold and snuggle her... I, also, can't stop thinking that there is a chance that won't happen. 

Hopefully a week from now we will be hanging out with our little boy and little girl.  One of each just like we always wanted. Our family, though, will still be far from being complete. Our family will never be complete without Kyler.