Doing well and struggling at the same time

I passed the glucose test on the second time around.  The doctor said I did not have diabetes, but that I was probably carbohydrate intolerant.  I pretty much knew that already.  I haven't been able to eat pure sugar candy since 7th grade with out getting sick.  When I took the test last time, I figured I would fail it the first time.  This time the only reason I thought I might pass it the first time around was because I passed it last time

My doctor says I am doing well.  She seemed pretty concerned about me continuing to work this week. She didn't say that I couldn't continue to work what I have, but she did say more then twice that she wouldn't hesitate to rewrite my paperwork to cut out some more hours.  I told her I was fine for now.  I think she is more worried about my mental state right now then my physical state.

It is getting harder to be functioning right now.  I just want to curl up in a ball with the dog and Clay and lay in bed for the next 2 months.  Just want to get this baby here healthy.  I am not comfortable being out and about.  I have started to show and I worry about the well meaning happy baby comments.  "Is this your first?"..... "Uhhhh"  "Get your sleep now while you can, that baby is going to keep you up all night every night."  I can only imagine how calming the noise will be.  I can't even express how heavy, dark, and all consuming the silence is/was, especially at night.  I haven't been sleeping "appropriately"  I go to bed late, and have nightmares (mixed in with a few good dreams) until the sun comes up.  Once the sun comes up, I am able to sleep some.

We started working in earnest on Kalen's room the last couple weekends.  It is nearly done.  It was exciting to do it.  Change it from the room of smashed dreams, to one of hope.  It also hurt to mess with Kyler's things.  It feels like we are leaving him behind.  We have a few things of Kyler's that Kalen won't use that we need to decide what to do with .  I think they will end up in a box, I still can't handle getting rid of anything.  I think we've given away a total of 5 of Kyler's things.  The really important things Clay will make a shadow box for.  I think that I am going to make a scrap book for Kyler with his ultrasound pictures, the cards from my shower, and the sympathy cards we received.

We went and had our car seat checked this weekend.  That was hard.  We had put Kyler's car seat in the car but we never got around to getting it checked.  After we had Kyler I hated that car seat.  I wanted it gone, out of my car and gone.  It was the only thing that we had someone else take care of.  Take it out of the car before I have to leave the hospital were my instructions to our brother in law.  It disappeared from my car as requested.  We got it back a few days later and promptly gave it to someone else.  I'm really not sure I want Kalen's car seat in the car before we have him.  I was seriously considering just leaving it by the front door and having someone pick it up, AFTER we have a happy healthy baby, and bring it to the hospital.

I need to get my hospital bag packed soon.  I am also not sure how I want to do that.  It was so hard in the hospital with Kyler to dig through his totally irrelevant things to find my toothbrush.  Maybe I'll pack two bags.  Stuff for me and stuff for him.  Just in case.

I have a few people who have mentioned throwing me a baby shower.. sigh.  I wish I could get excited about a baby shower but I just can't.  I really don't want to plan one for myself.  I also don't want to be surprised.  I don't think I would hold up well at one.  I we have pretty much everything we need.  After we lost Kyler, it was very hard to figure out what to do with the things that people had given us.  Most of it we saved, so we already have a baby shower's worth of stuff.  I don't want to get more stuff, especially stuff we don't need and then have to go through the trauma of figuring out what to do with it if something happens.  On the other hand.  I want to celebrate Kalen.  I want him to have some of his own stuff.  I want to be okay with a baby shower for Kalen, but I don't know that I can be.

Kyler's baby shower was also the last time I really freely socialized with much of our family.  We stopped talking to a lot of them after we had Kyler and when we do it is very forced and uncomfortable.  If all the people who came to the first shower came to Kalen's it also would be very awkward.

I drove by the cemetery today on the way home from work.  I have been quite a bit lately, not on purpose, just because it is a better commute at the end of rush hour.  Today I drove by and the canopy was in the baby section.  The canopy that they use for funerals.  Kyler has a new neighbor.  :(  It hurts my heart that someone else is going through this now.  It has been such a beautiful week.. not a time to lose a baby.  To the parents of that baby... I'm so very sorry!

  

Perspective

Last Thursday I had to do my glucose test. The next day the nurse called me back. "You're going to wish you didn't answer the phone," she said. I failed the initial diabetes test. Today I get to spend 3 hours hanging out at the doctor's office, not eating, drinking sugar water, and getting my blood drawn over and over. Not a lot of fun, but also not really a big deal. Let's see, On the list of bad news I've gotten during pregnancies where does this rate....

1. We cant find the heartbeat. Your baby is dead.
2. You still have to deliver your baby and we can't knock you out for it.
3. You need a c-section and your epidural slipped, we are going to have to poke you again.
4. You're 22 weeks and dilated, we are sending you to the hospital
5. We are going to try and get the cerclage in, but we are not sure it will work. We might break your water and then your baby will die.
6. You can leave the hospital but you are on bed rest indefinately.
7. You have to get weekly (painful) shots.. (both times)
8. You might have gestational diabetes.
9. You have group b strep.

Yeah, pretty near the bottom of the list of bad news. At least if I do have diabetes, its something controllable, and if controlled shouldn't hurt Kalen. Not to mention, a diet change is a lot less disruptive on my life then something like bed rest. Not that I wouldn't do anything to get Kalen here safely.

This weekend we finally decided on colors for Kalen's room and started the process of changing Kyler's room to Kalen's. It's hard to "move on" but at the same time it is helpful. Kylers crib was just the way we left it on November 5th, except we had put the blanket and sleeper we were going to bring Kyler home on it. It was hard but also freeing to pack up his bedding set and dismantle the crib. This weekend we are going to paint and then get the a new crib for Kalen probably the next week. I'm excited to make the room his. Last time we painted it before we were even pregnant, so although it was really cute, it wasn't done specifically for Kyler. This time we are doing it specifically with Kalen in mind.

Clay is settling into his job a little more, which is taking a lot of the stress off. I also had a talk with my boss a couple weeks ago and told her how I felt like a lot of the work I do was being overlooked or trivialized. She's done a good job the last few weeks making sure to recognize my professionalism, reliability and contributions.

Kalen is now a little over 28 weeks. If he is born alive from this point forward, he should live. I've been thinking about when it is that babies move from heaven to the real world when you are pregnant. I think Kalen is here on earth with us when he's awake and kicking, and when he's sleeping, he is back in heaven playing as much as he can with his big brother Kyler.

Taking care of Kalen

I got sent home from work today. I was having contractions and not really noticing them. I sat down to talk to my boss and she noticed I kept pushing on my tummy and asked me about it. As I thought about it I did have a lot more contractions today then usual and I agreed with her that I should come home. The only way I could get them to go away was to lay down, lay.. Not sit or recline. So I've been laying in bed crazy bored and uncomfortable for 5 hours. I am glad that we at least got cable installed in the bedroom so I had a little choice on what I watched. Hopefully I can go back to work tomorrow. It is so hard for me to listen to my body and slow down. I want to push myself to do more, which is great when I'm not pregnant. But I am pregnant and high risk at that. If I am having contractions at work I just need to suck it up..... And leave. No matter what other stuff needs done. My only important job right now is getting Kalen here safely.

Clay started his new job last week. He is very stressed about iti hope he starts to settle into it and become comfortable soon. He was already having a hard time with Kyler and Kalen and I think the job stress is just adding to it. Can you believe that there is another new hire at his job named Kyler? It also doesn't help his stress that he doesn't get to sit around and babysit me or go to my doctor appointments.

I've been thinking a lot about that last week of pregnancy. It scares me so much. Scheduling the c-section for July 2nd sounds great, but I'm hung up on the days to due date. Kalen is scheduled 5 days before his due date. Kyler died 8days before his due date. I just can't get that out of my head.