Doing well and struggling at the same time

I passed the glucose test on the second time around.  The doctor said I did not have diabetes, but that I was probably carbohydrate intolerant.  I pretty much knew that already.  I haven't been able to eat pure sugar candy since 7th grade with out getting sick.  When I took the test last time, I figured I would fail it the first time.  This time the only reason I thought I might pass it the first time around was because I passed it last time

My doctor says I am doing well.  She seemed pretty concerned about me continuing to work this week. She didn't say that I couldn't continue to work what I have, but she did say more then twice that she wouldn't hesitate to rewrite my paperwork to cut out some more hours.  I told her I was fine for now.  I think she is more worried about my mental state right now then my physical state.

It is getting harder to be functioning right now.  I just want to curl up in a ball with the dog and Clay and lay in bed for the next 2 months.  Just want to get this baby here healthy.  I am not comfortable being out and about.  I have started to show and I worry about the well meaning happy baby comments.  "Is this your first?"..... "Uhhhh"  "Get your sleep now while you can, that baby is going to keep you up all night every night."  I can only imagine how calming the noise will be.  I can't even express how heavy, dark, and all consuming the silence is/was, especially at night.  I haven't been sleeping "appropriately"  I go to bed late, and have nightmares (mixed in with a few good dreams) until the sun comes up.  Once the sun comes up, I am able to sleep some.

We started working in earnest on Kalen's room the last couple weekends.  It is nearly done.  It was exciting to do it.  Change it from the room of smashed dreams, to one of hope.  It also hurt to mess with Kyler's things.  It feels like we are leaving him behind.  We have a few things of Kyler's that Kalen won't use that we need to decide what to do with .  I think they will end up in a box, I still can't handle getting rid of anything.  I think we've given away a total of 5 of Kyler's things.  The really important things Clay will make a shadow box for.  I think that I am going to make a scrap book for Kyler with his ultrasound pictures, the cards from my shower, and the sympathy cards we received.

We went and had our car seat checked this weekend.  That was hard.  We had put Kyler's car seat in the car but we never got around to getting it checked.  After we had Kyler I hated that car seat.  I wanted it gone, out of my car and gone.  It was the only thing that we had someone else take care of.  Take it out of the car before I have to leave the hospital were my instructions to our brother in law.  It disappeared from my car as requested.  We got it back a few days later and promptly gave it to someone else.  I'm really not sure I want Kalen's car seat in the car before we have him.  I was seriously considering just leaving it by the front door and having someone pick it up, AFTER we have a happy healthy baby, and bring it to the hospital.

I need to get my hospital bag packed soon.  I am also not sure how I want to do that.  It was so hard in the hospital with Kyler to dig through his totally irrelevant things to find my toothbrush.  Maybe I'll pack two bags.  Stuff for me and stuff for him.  Just in case.

I have a few people who have mentioned throwing me a baby shower.. sigh.  I wish I could get excited about a baby shower but I just can't.  I really don't want to plan one for myself.  I also don't want to be surprised.  I don't think I would hold up well at one.  I we have pretty much everything we need.  After we lost Kyler, it was very hard to figure out what to do with the things that people had given us.  Most of it we saved, so we already have a baby shower's worth of stuff.  I don't want to get more stuff, especially stuff we don't need and then have to go through the trauma of figuring out what to do with it if something happens.  On the other hand.  I want to celebrate Kalen.  I want him to have some of his own stuff.  I want to be okay with a baby shower for Kalen, but I don't know that I can be.

Kyler's baby shower was also the last time I really freely socialized with much of our family.  We stopped talking to a lot of them after we had Kyler and when we do it is very forced and uncomfortable.  If all the people who came to the first shower came to Kalen's it also would be very awkward.

I drove by the cemetery today on the way home from work.  I have been quite a bit lately, not on purpose, just because it is a better commute at the end of rush hour.  Today I drove by and the canopy was in the baby section.  The canopy that they use for funerals.  Kyler has a new neighbor.  :(  It hurts my heart that someone else is going through this now.  It has been such a beautiful week.. not a time to lose a baby.  To the parents of that baby... I'm so very sorry!