It was another good weekend. We went on a long bike ride to watch my niece play soccer, did yard work, played catch and I just sat out on the sun for 4 hours. I am so thankful to actually be able to be outside! I thought briefly about going in to sit on the couch and do a few thing I needed to like pay bills but then I realized, I have wireless internet... I can sit outside and do those things.
Our dog, Ranon, hurt himself this week. It was nothing serious, just a split toenail, but of course since he is our baby we both freaked out and were really tempted to take him to the emergency vet, but we both decided to be rational and call the emergency vet instead. :D They said it could wait for the normal vet so we had our niece take him in first thing the next day. He's fine, but he did get a pretty bandage (which he promptly chewed off) pain meds and antibiotics. Plus he got to sleep in our bed for two nights. I'm pretty proud that we didn't take him into the emergency vet.
Work was alright last week. I am working on new project and it is kind of exciting. I am not sure if it will solve my "issues" that I have been having going to work, but at least it is a change. I had applied for another job a few weeks ago when I was really having trouble with my current job. In the process of applying for it, I received an email from one of my old high school teachers that apparently works at the place I applied for. I didn't get the job but maybe there is a reason that I was supposed to reconnect with this former teacher.
Well, I've got a few hours left to this weekend and a few things left to do. I better go eat dinner, plant my garden and paint my toenails. :D
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Functioning Adult?
Today as I was finishing eating dinner off the paper plates we used because our sink is full of dirty dishes from the weekend and the dishwasher is full of clean dishes from last week, while I was moving the load of clean laundry from last weekend to the baskets that were already overflowing with clean laundry from the previous weeks, so I could put the load of laundry that I had to do today so I'd have clean work clothes tomorrow in the dryer, I asked my husband.. "Are we really functioning adults?" We stood back together and looked at the mess in the kitchen, living room, and laundry room and agreed "not really." We concluded we were "regressed low functioning adults" and then I turned on the dryer, threw the paper plate away, and headed outside to enjoy the nice evening and blow some bubbles.
Our priorities have changed a lot. Someday I may care again (at least as much as I did before) that the laundry gets done in a timely manner and then actually gets put away, dishes get done and the house looks neat. Part of it is I can't remember to do a lot of things, but mostly it is that I don't care and most of it doesn't really matter. Don't get me wrong, we do enough to get by. I set reminders to do the important things like pay bills or do loads of laundry. Our house is not super dirty, we do the dishes and laundry when we really need to. We pick up the house once a month or so, but it just isn't a priority. It is much more important to me right now that we do as much fun stuff as we can, and be outside as much as we can. Last weekend I went to the gym both days, we ran some small errands, went on a picnic, played catch for the first time in a decade, fixed our bikes and went for a bike ride, hiked to table rock, went to a friends birthday party, went to the zoo, worked in the garden, played with the dog, blew about half a million bubbles and just enjoyed ourselves. It was the best weekend. Maybe being a functioning adult is overrated.
My counselor and I are working on a mindset change for me. For most of my life, I spent most of my time worrying about how I'm going to make others feel. I don't want to be a burden or bother to anyone else. My counselor said that she thinks I want to fly under the radar... way too far under the radar. She's right, and it's always been that way. I over think things, worry too much, let people push me around and hold things in. She thinks that is part of why I've been having problems at work. We'll see how this works out. I've already been more, shall we say, outgoing, since we lost Kyler. I'll probably end up getting fired for being too outspoken, lol.
Our priorities have changed a lot. Someday I may care again (at least as much as I did before) that the laundry gets done in a timely manner and then actually gets put away, dishes get done and the house looks neat. Part of it is I can't remember to do a lot of things, but mostly it is that I don't care and most of it doesn't really matter. Don't get me wrong, we do enough to get by. I set reminders to do the important things like pay bills or do loads of laundry. Our house is not super dirty, we do the dishes and laundry when we really need to. We pick up the house once a month or so, but it just isn't a priority. It is much more important to me right now that we do as much fun stuff as we can, and be outside as much as we can. Last weekend I went to the gym both days, we ran some small errands, went on a picnic, played catch for the first time in a decade, fixed our bikes and went for a bike ride, hiked to table rock, went to a friends birthday party, went to the zoo, worked in the garden, played with the dog, blew about half a million bubbles and just enjoyed ourselves. It was the best weekend. Maybe being a functioning adult is overrated.
My counselor and I are working on a mindset change for me. For most of my life, I spent most of my time worrying about how I'm going to make others feel. I don't want to be a burden or bother to anyone else. My counselor said that she thinks I want to fly under the radar... way too far under the radar. She's right, and it's always been that way. I over think things, worry too much, let people push me around and hold things in. She thinks that is part of why I've been having problems at work. We'll see how this works out. I've already been more, shall we say, outgoing, since we lost Kyler. I'll probably end up getting fired for being too outspoken, lol.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Ungraduated
So I had graduated to every other week counseling. Then, I went in last week and she figured out how much trouble I was having with work and ungraduated me. I'm back to every week. I am doing training right now so that means I'm good with work until the first week in May. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it in May, but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. We'll see what the counselor and I work out in the meantime.
My husband got laid off.... Again. He got a whopping 2 days notice again. Since it happened pretty much the same way a few months ago, it was not surprising, but it still wasn't what we wanted to hear. When he got recalled to work last time I said I'd pay off my car so we wouldn't have to worry about it if he got laid off again. Guess what, I didn't. Instead we bought iPhones, fixed our tv, painted our bedroom, went out to eat, ect ect. I was really kicking myself for all of that this weekend. Luckily the staffing agency he was working for called today and put him on a three week assignment at another company. Whew, another reprieve! I swear I'll learn this time around and get the stupid car paid off.
I've been spending as much time as I can outside. We did a lot of yard work this weekend, and I got quite a sunburn. I know, at 30, I should be able to remember sunblock but apparently I can't. Today, for the first time in my life, the sunburn felt wonderful. I could feel the warmth of the sun in my face, neck and arms all day. It reminded me that I was able to spend nearly all weekend outside. No lectures please, I know I should wear sunblock, but I never thought a sunblock would feel this good.
I haven't made it to the gym much the last week. I've been working 8 hour days instead of 10 which sure makes it seem like I have a lot more time after work, but then I keep planning things after work. I hiked to Table Rock one day (that almost counts as the gym), went to Mountain Home for dinner one day, went to my counselor one day, went to a track meet, dinner, the old penitentiary, and desert one day. I guess it's good that I've been getting out, but hopefully I can get back to the gym this week.
My husband got laid off.... Again. He got a whopping 2 days notice again. Since it happened pretty much the same way a few months ago, it was not surprising, but it still wasn't what we wanted to hear. When he got recalled to work last time I said I'd pay off my car so we wouldn't have to worry about it if he got laid off again. Guess what, I didn't. Instead we bought iPhones, fixed our tv, painted our bedroom, went out to eat, ect ect. I was really kicking myself for all of that this weekend. Luckily the staffing agency he was working for called today and put him on a three week assignment at another company. Whew, another reprieve! I swear I'll learn this time around and get the stupid car paid off.
I've been spending as much time as I can outside. We did a lot of yard work this weekend, and I got quite a sunburn. I know, at 30, I should be able to remember sunblock but apparently I can't. Today, for the first time in my life, the sunburn felt wonderful. I could feel the warmth of the sun in my face, neck and arms all day. It reminded me that I was able to spend nearly all weekend outside. No lectures please, I know I should wear sunblock, but I never thought a sunblock would feel this good.
I haven't made it to the gym much the last week. I've been working 8 hour days instead of 10 which sure makes it seem like I have a lot more time after work, but then I keep planning things after work. I hiked to Table Rock one day (that almost counts as the gym), went to Mountain Home for dinner one day, went to my counselor one day, went to a track meet, dinner, the old penitentiary, and desert one day. I guess it's good that I've been getting out, but hopefully I can get back to the gym this week.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Easter
Today is Easter. A couple of day ago was 5 months since we had Kyler. Five months is such a long time, but it's not. No wonder people are starting to get tired of making accommodations for me. I'd probably be tired of it too, if I were in their shoes, but that doesn't change the fact that we are still very effected by Kyler's life and death on a daily basis. I'm doing a little better then just being a functioning adult most days.. but not a lot more.
We spent nearly all day yesterday outside working in the yard. It was so beautiful. It is so much easier for me to get motivated to work in the yard now. 8 months ago I would have traded anything (except Kyler) to just be able to go sit outside let alone be able to do some productive work. I think this weekend I was probably outside in the sun for at least 10 hours each day. I can't wait for summer!
I'm still having a bit of trouble with work. Last week I did my job as the needed me to every day, but I also spent every day pretty heavily sedated. I hate taking the sedatives, especially since I don't need them much outside of work now, but that's what I needed to get through the week. I made through the week and now I get to do training for 3 of the next 4 weeks. Hopefully that goes well. It should. I'll wait until I'm done with training to worry again about what to do about work.
Today wasn't too bad of a day. It was very busy. I got up early and went and left an Easter basket at one of my friends who's been really supportive front door. Then I came home and went back to bed. The Easter bunny visited us even though we forgot to dig out the baskets.
Clay and the dog and I slept in late and then went to the gym. After the gym we came home and cleaned up and went a few things for Kyler. We got him a pinwheel and a couple of plastic Easter eggs that looked like monkeys.
Then we came home and I went for a walk with one of my friends. Then we went to dinner with my husband's family. I was pretty sure I wasn't in any mood to go but decided to go anyway, after taking a sedative.. which tends to loosen my tongue a little. I probably should have stayed home. Someone there was complaining about some medical bills they have. I couldn't hold my tongue, and I told them yeah, we've got A LOT of medical bills... for a dead baby. Oops. What I perceive as ungratefulness drives me crazy. The rest of the dinner was okay. I was able to hold my tongue for the rest of it, mostly by tuning out and playing with my phone. At least we got to sit out side in the sun. Then we came home and I blew some bubbles (I bought some colored bubbles a few weeks ago and love them), planted some seedlings and sat outside in the sun some more. The sun feels so wonderful. Ranon thinks so too.
Since I am training for the next month is is going to be May before I know it, six months after Kyler, and summer. I will enjoy every warm day in the sun that I can this summer. Hopefully I do a better job applying the sunblock then I did today, though.
We spent nearly all day yesterday outside working in the yard. It was so beautiful. It is so much easier for me to get motivated to work in the yard now. 8 months ago I would have traded anything (except Kyler) to just be able to go sit outside let alone be able to do some productive work. I think this weekend I was probably outside in the sun for at least 10 hours each day. I can't wait for summer!
I'm still having a bit of trouble with work. Last week I did my job as the needed me to every day, but I also spent every day pretty heavily sedated. I hate taking the sedatives, especially since I don't need them much outside of work now, but that's what I needed to get through the week. I made through the week and now I get to do training for 3 of the next 4 weeks. Hopefully that goes well. It should. I'll wait until I'm done with training to worry again about what to do about work.
Today wasn't too bad of a day. It was very busy. I got up early and went and left an Easter basket at one of my friends who's been really supportive front door. Then I came home and went back to bed. The Easter bunny visited us even though we forgot to dig out the baskets.
Clay and the dog and I slept in late and then went to the gym. After the gym we came home and cleaned up and went a few things for Kyler. We got him a pinwheel and a couple of plastic Easter eggs that looked like monkeys.
Then we came home and I went for a walk with one of my friends. Then we went to dinner with my husband's family. I was pretty sure I wasn't in any mood to go but decided to go anyway, after taking a sedative.. which tends to loosen my tongue a little. I probably should have stayed home. Someone there was complaining about some medical bills they have. I couldn't hold my tongue, and I told them yeah, we've got A LOT of medical bills... for a dead baby. Oops. What I perceive as ungratefulness drives me crazy. The rest of the dinner was okay. I was able to hold my tongue for the rest of it, mostly by tuning out and playing with my phone. At least we got to sit out side in the sun. Then we came home and I blew some bubbles (I bought some colored bubbles a few weeks ago and love them), planted some seedlings and sat outside in the sun some more. The sun feels so wonderful. Ranon thinks so too.
Since I am training for the next month is is going to be May before I know it, six months after Kyler, and summer. I will enjoy every warm day in the sun that I can this summer. Hopefully I do a better job applying the sunblock then I did today, though.
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