I feel so ungrateful for what I have most of the time. I have a good job, car, home. I am, nor have I ever been, food insecure. I am able to afford heath care. I am able to do some fun things. I get lots of time off. I have a great husband, a great job. I should be happy with it all. I feel guilty when I am not. A lot of what we have we worked for in preparation for having Kyler. With out him it feels incomplete. Sometimes I wonder what the point of working is, we could live on a lot less. We just wanted to have a nice home for our kids.
Work has been okay. I trained a few new analysts last week. It went pretty well except every once in a while the calls would slow down and they would start talking. For some reason their conversations always ended up involving their kids. I know people talk a lot about their kids, but it seemed like they were the topic of every conversation. Usually they were complaining about things like the baby waking them up at 3am. I wish my baby woke me up at 3 am. I can't really tell them "Hey, you are reminding me what you have that I don't, and you are being ungrateful about it, so shut up." At least I was able to leave the area some of the time though, that helped. The good news is I get to go back to the days off I had originally, Sat, Sun, Wed. So now I only have to do two days in a row again. That makes me feel a lot more like I can deal with work.
A couple weeks I was having a rough day and it started to really bother me that we never got Kyler's stillbirth certificate. We had asked them to send us one, but never got it. So I went ahead and ordered one. It came a couple days ago. It is nice to have. Proof that he existed, even to the state of Idaho. I didn't expect it to have as much information on it as it does. One thing that is really bothering me is that it says he died because of a placental abruption. After we found out he had died they did a blood test that indicated I had a placental abruption, but then when we delivered him the doctor found the cord wrapped tightly around his neck so she said that was probably what he died from. In fact, she confirmed that when I went in for my checkups after we had him, but the still birth certificate says differently. It doesn't really matter. I guess I have just been trying to wrap my head around "cord accident" for the last 9 months, I don't like another possibility being thrown in the mix. We'll never know exactly what happened and knowing wouldn't bring him back though.
We went to McCall this weekend and rode the "Scenic" chairlift. It wasn't as beautiful as it could have been due to the smoke in the area but it was pretty nice. We rode it up, walked around the summit a bit and rode it back down. Then we went into McCall for lunch. It was a pretty good day, but when we got home I got upset. For some reason I couldn't get over the thought that Kyler would have loved it. He would have loved the car ride and the chair lift. After we got home Clay Ranon and I curled up in bed and watched a movie. That helped me feel a little better.
We also went to the fair today. I wanted to go, but I didn't at the same time. Last year I was pretty upset that I couldn't go to the fair. This year I was wishing I was stuck on the couch pregnant again. We went anyway and had a pretty good time. Oddly enough the chairlift effected me more then the fair.
We are doing okay, but lately it seems like we are doing worse then we have been in months. I don't know if it is all the stress with work and the chaos with my sister or what. Our fridge and cupboards are getting close to empty and we are eating out nearly every meal again. Like we did when I first got home from the hospital. Hopefully the new schedule for work will help us get back on track, or at least back where we were.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Kyler's Room
Kyler's room is the only room in the house that doesn't get dirty. We haven't been able to change anything in it other then move some of his stuff from other areas of the house into it. Today I went in to dust. There shouldn't be this layer of dust on everything! It should be being used. I know I've said I try not to get caught up in the should's, but this was hard. His room is still perfect and waiting for him, but he will never come. It's not that we never go in his room, we do but usually it is just for a few seconds to get something or put something in it. I'ts been a long time since I've gone in and looked around. Almost everything is just as we left it Saturday November 5th 2011. I had gotten the "nesting" instinct and we spent most of the day getting everything just so. We reorganized his closet, put the liner in the diaper pail, put the sheets on his crib and cradle. We knew he was coming soon, but he never did. I don't know what it is about today but it just feels like a late fall day in his room and brings back a lot of memories.
Anyway, I don't think I ever shared pictures of his room, and I am very proud of it. So take a look, this is what is room looks like today.
The sympathy cards we received are in his room on the bookshelf. I just read through them. There are 21 of them. They are so nice. My 30th birthday was a week and a half after he was born. There were a bunch of birthday cards mixed in with them. I barely remember my birthday last year. I think this year I am going to do a 31st birthday party and celebrate leaving this year behind since I wasn't able to celebrate 30.
Well, thanks for listening, I feel a little better now. Thanks letting me share his room.
Anyway, I don't think I ever shared pictures of his room, and I am very proud of it. So take a look, this is what is room looks like today.
That is his "backup" going home from the hospital outfit in his crib. We buried him in the other one we had taken. It is laying on top of the blanket we were going to put over his car seat to keep him warm.
The bins in the closet are the big thing we did the day before he was born, we went and bought the cubes and separated his "bigger" clothes into them to make room in the dresser. He had so many clothes.
The bookshelf probably has had the most changes. The memory box the hospital gave us is there, the sympathy cards, his foot/hand casts, his pictures, the Sunday news paper that I was going to read after we got back from having him checked.
We moved his cradle from our room into his room after a few months. Now it holds the pinwheels I collect to take to him, the blankets I make to donate to the hospital, and the parenting magazines that I still have a subscription to (I donate those to the hospital too).
The sympathy cards we received are in his room on the bookshelf. I just read through them. There are 21 of them. They are so nice. My 30th birthday was a week and a half after he was born. There were a bunch of birthday cards mixed in with them. I barely remember my birthday last year. I think this year I am going to do a 31st birthday party and celebrate leaving this year behind since I wasn't able to celebrate 30.
Well, thanks for listening, I feel a little better now. Thanks letting me share his room.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
9 Months
Last week, in the midst of all of the things with my sister, Kyler would have been 9 months old. It will be his birthday in another 3 short months. I'm not ready for that. I did go ahead and ask for it off work. I am not sure what we will do, but I am sure I will not be in any shape to work. I would really like to go back to Hawaii for it, it was so beautiful and peaceful there, but that probably will not happen. We've been visiting his grave a lot lately and I've noticed lots of people bring balloons on their baby's birthday. I think we might do that.
Kyler's impending birthday also means the summer will be over soon. I am not ready for that either. The warm weather and sun helps my heart so much. I wish we could move to somewhere tropical. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the winter. Usually the holidays are exciting to me but I don't think they will be this year. Maybe we will be able to do some good charity work or something fun and useful like that over the winter.
Although there has been a lot of chaos in my life the last few weeks, I'm taking care of myself and doing okay. I took all the days off work that I could when my sister passed away. I haven't been sleeping great so I took one day to just sleep. I am still eating and taking my breaks at work like I should be. Today I did a bunch of yard work that has been neglected. I wouldn't say I am doing well, or happy, but I think I am stable, at least at this second.
9 months is hard. It still feels like it hasn't been very long and is very fresh, but it has been quite a while. I feel like as we move farther from Kyler people don't understand, even more then they did in the beginning, just how much it still effects us. We still think about him ever day, multiple times. We still cry, get mad, get frustrated and get depressed over it all. We deal with it better on a daily basis, but it is not better. It isn't going to be better.
Kyler's impending birthday also means the summer will be over soon. I am not ready for that either. The warm weather and sun helps my heart so much. I wish we could move to somewhere tropical. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the winter. Usually the holidays are exciting to me but I don't think they will be this year. Maybe we will be able to do some good charity work or something fun and useful like that over the winter.
Although there has been a lot of chaos in my life the last few weeks, I'm taking care of myself and doing okay. I took all the days off work that I could when my sister passed away. I haven't been sleeping great so I took one day to just sleep. I am still eating and taking my breaks at work like I should be. Today I did a bunch of yard work that has been neglected. I wouldn't say I am doing well, or happy, but I think I am stable, at least at this second.
9 months is hard. It still feels like it hasn't been very long and is very fresh, but it has been quite a while. I feel like as we move farther from Kyler people don't understand, even more then they did in the beginning, just how much it still effects us. We still think about him ever day, multiple times. We still cry, get mad, get frustrated and get depressed over it all. We deal with it better on a daily basis, but it is not better. It isn't going to be better.
Confessions
I started this post a couple weeks ago but never got it posted because of my strict "no posting while on sedatives policy."
I have had to make a lot of allow my self a bit of crazy just to get through the last nine months. I know others who have lost babies will understand most of these, those who haven't probably won't. Here are a few "confessions" of the weird crazy things I have to do to keep functioning.
I turn off the radio when the "St Al's saves babies" commercials come on. I think it is great that have saved so many babies, but I don't want to hear about it. No one was able to save mine.
I take people who complain about their kids out of my facebook feed and I unfollow their blogs. I'm sorry your kids make you so miserable, can you imagine how miserable you would be with out them. I know parenting isn't easy, but be grateful for what you have.
I throw the baby coupons and mailers in the recycle bin before I set down the rest of the mail. I haven't been able to get off all the mailing lists I signed up for. It's a pretty good stab in the heart every time I get something from babies r su, gerber, Infameal. It just reminds me where I would have been. I also have all my email with the word baby in it go to a folder in my email that I never look at.
I run from pregnant women and those with tiny babies at the store, and I feel bad about it, but I'm glad the pregnant girl quit work. I can't even explain the myriad of feelings they bring up.
I have had to make a lot of allow my self a bit of crazy just to get through the last nine months. I know others who have lost babies will understand most of these, those who haven't probably won't. Here are a few "confessions" of the weird crazy things I have to do to keep functioning.
I turn off the radio when the "St Al's saves babies" commercials come on. I think it is great that have saved so many babies, but I don't want to hear about it. No one was able to save mine.
I take people who complain about their kids out of my facebook feed and I unfollow their blogs. I'm sorry your kids make you so miserable, can you imagine how miserable you would be with out them. I know parenting isn't easy, but be grateful for what you have.
I throw the baby coupons and mailers in the recycle bin before I set down the rest of the mail. I haven't been able to get off all the mailing lists I signed up for. It's a pretty good stab in the heart every time I get something from babies r su, gerber, Infameal. It just reminds me where I would have been. I also have all my email with the word baby in it go to a folder in my email that I never look at.
I run from pregnant women and those with tiny babies at the store, and I feel bad about it, but I'm glad the pregnant girl quit work. I can't even explain the myriad of feelings they bring up.
Kyler and Audra - have fun playing together
It's been a long few weeks since I've written a post. My sister has been battling cancer for the last year. She is my half sister and she always lived with her mom while I lived with my dad, so we were never super close. She'd come visit during my dad's visitation and we'd often show up at my grandma's house at the same time. She was a rebellious teenager (for good reason) and I stopped seeing her much then. When we were together when we were little, we had a lot of fun, and a few fights.
I went on to college, got married, lived my life. For over 10 years I saw her a couple times and didn't talk to her. Spring of 2011 she found out she was sick. Her oldest daughter (who was adopted by another family member) graduated high school that May. She came to the graduation and we talked for the first time. She gave Kyler a pat in my tummy. She got to meet my husband.
Then I got put on bed rest. I had so much stuff going on in my own life I didn't have a chance to keep in touch with her. Sometime while I was focused on Kyler, the doctors determined her cancer was terminal. A couple weeks after Kyler was born I was able to go see her. We talked for quite a while and I shared Kyler's pictures with her and gave her one of his funeral cards. She wasn't well at all then. I thought that was the last time I'd see her, but then she was able to have surgery to relieve some of her problems and she felt a lot better. We came to see her in February and she seemed pretty good. In June she was able make the drive to Boise and come and see us. She got to see my (half) brother again for the first time in probably 20 years and meet his wife and his daughter. She seemed really good then, really happy and calm. Three weeks ago my niece called my dad and firmly suggested that he needed to come and visit one more time before he left on a month long vacation. We came up on a Tuesday two weeks ago. It was a long day, up and back in one day, but it was totally worth it. She felt pretty good and was able to make it out to the couch to sit and chat with us. We talked with her for 4 hours before she got really tired and started hurting again.
A week and a half later, she passed away.
It's sad. She had such a chaotic life. After she was diagnosed it seemed she was actually growing a bit. She was able to reconnect with quite a few people. Her life seemed a lot more calm and stable. I know I was able to help find peace about one of the demons that has haunted her for 30+ years.
Now that she is gone, I'm glad she is not in pain anymore. I really hope that she gets the peace and calm that I think she always wanted. I wanted to ask her before she died if there is a heaven (she had different beliefs) that she would find Kyler and play with him. I never did ask her, but I don't think I really needed to. I think they are already playing.
One of the last questions she asked me right before we left two weeks ago was if Clay and I were going to try to have more kids. She seemed like she really needed to know that we were. I explained our plans, (sorry they are personal right now) and it just seemed to put her at ease. Clay and I like to say Kyler is up there picking out a little sister or brother and they are playing. When they are done playing for a while and the time is right he'll send them to us. I guess now my sister is playing with them both.
Audra May Hendrickson
December 18, 1974 - August 2, 2012
I went on to college, got married, lived my life. For over 10 years I saw her a couple times and didn't talk to her. Spring of 2011 she found out she was sick. Her oldest daughter (who was adopted by another family member) graduated high school that May. She came to the graduation and we talked for the first time. She gave Kyler a pat in my tummy. She got to meet my husband.
Then I got put on bed rest. I had so much stuff going on in my own life I didn't have a chance to keep in touch with her. Sometime while I was focused on Kyler, the doctors determined her cancer was terminal. A couple weeks after Kyler was born I was able to go see her. We talked for quite a while and I shared Kyler's pictures with her and gave her one of his funeral cards. She wasn't well at all then. I thought that was the last time I'd see her, but then she was able to have surgery to relieve some of her problems and she felt a lot better. We came to see her in February and she seemed pretty good. In June she was able make the drive to Boise and come and see us. She got to see my (half) brother again for the first time in probably 20 years and meet his wife and his daughter. She seemed really good then, really happy and calm. Three weeks ago my niece called my dad and firmly suggested that he needed to come and visit one more time before he left on a month long vacation. We came up on a Tuesday two weeks ago. It was a long day, up and back in one day, but it was totally worth it. She felt pretty good and was able to make it out to the couch to sit and chat with us. We talked with her for 4 hours before she got really tired and started hurting again.
A week and a half later, she passed away.
It's sad. She had such a chaotic life. After she was diagnosed it seemed she was actually growing a bit. She was able to reconnect with quite a few people. Her life seemed a lot more calm and stable. I know I was able to help find peace about one of the demons that has haunted her for 30+ years.
Now that she is gone, I'm glad she is not in pain anymore. I really hope that she gets the peace and calm that I think she always wanted. I wanted to ask her before she died if there is a heaven (she had different beliefs) that she would find Kyler and play with him. I never did ask her, but I don't think I really needed to. I think they are already playing.
One of the last questions she asked me right before we left two weeks ago was if Clay and I were going to try to have more kids. She seemed like she really needed to know that we were. I explained our plans, (sorry they are personal right now) and it just seemed to put her at ease. Clay and I like to say Kyler is up there picking out a little sister or brother and they are playing. When they are done playing for a while and the time is right he'll send them to us. I guess now my sister is playing with them both.
Audra May Hendrickson
December 18, 1974 - August 2, 2012
Saturday, August 11, 2012
I'm.. still.. here
I've had a rough couple weeks but I'm still here. I haven't had time to write much, especially since I don't allow my self to write after I've taken my sleeping pills. (Less hurt feelings that way.) I'll try to get some time to write soon.
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