9 Months

Last week, in the midst of all of the things with my sister, Kyler would have been 9 months old.  It will be his birthday in another 3 short months.  I'm not ready for that.  I did go ahead and ask for it off work.  I am not sure what we will do, but I am sure I will not be in any shape to work.  I would really like to go back to Hawaii for it, it was so beautiful and peaceful there, but that probably will not happen.  We've been visiting his grave a lot lately and I've noticed lots of people bring balloons on their baby's birthday.  I think we might do that.

Kyler's impending birthday also means the summer will be over soon.  I am not ready for that either.  The warm weather and sun helps my heart so much.  I wish we could move to somewhere tropical.  I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the winter.  Usually the holidays are exciting to me but I don't think they will be this year.  Maybe we will be able to do some good charity work or something fun and useful like that over the winter.

Although there has been a lot of chaos in my life the last few weeks, I'm taking care of myself and doing okay.  I took all the days off work that I could when my sister passed away.  I haven't been sleeping great so I took one day to just sleep.  I am still eating and taking my breaks at work like I should be.  Today I did a bunch of yard work that has been neglected.  I wouldn't say I am doing well, or happy, but I think I am stable, at least at this second.

9 months is hard.  It still feels like it hasn't been very long and is very fresh, but it has been quite a while.  I feel like as we move farther from Kyler people don't understand, even more then they did in the beginning, just how much it still effects us.  We still think about him ever day, multiple times.  We still cry, get mad, get frustrated and get depressed over it all.  We deal with it better on a daily basis, but it is not better.  It isn't going to be better.